MEMORIES

I was watching something on TV tonight and the lady was talking about losing her husband. She said that Sometimes you’ll never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.” I totally understand what she meant. Peter and myself went through our lives loving each other, never once did we think it would end, how naive were we. Now all I am left with are memories.
Love to all.
Sheila.xx

6 Likes

Hello Lonely,
We were like you we never gave a thought to either of us dying. We just went through life being together, plodding on and loving each other, yes I think we were naive too. How I wish we didn’t have those petty little squabbles, but when the end was near ,there was no doubt with either of us how much we loved each other . I miss him so much. Half of me died too on 19/1/19

Take care, keep safe

4 Likes

But how can we think about death in the midst of life? I don’t think it’s naivety so much as denial. Our minds naturally shy away from pain. We can hardy ever accept that what comes into being will inevitably end. We become attached to objects and yes, people. That will always lead to pain. When we talk about death when we have no experience of it we say ‘stop it, that’s morbid’. Is it? Death is a part of life. In the funeral service the vicar may use the words ‘In the midst of life we are in death’. True, but we so often fail to see it because of the pain involved. Shying away from what is and not accepting it is an inevitable part of life, and a hard one to bear, but it can help our understanding, and understanding is a powerful force to good.
Thanks for your reply Trisha. Take care. John.

1 Like

Dear Lancashirelass.
Of course we had silly squabbles, everyone does but we never, ever stopped talking to each other. It was hard to argue with Peter because he hated arguments, he was easy going whereas I was like my dad, ruled by the moon, my mum would say keep out of your dads way, it is a full moon tonight and it was the same with me. Funnily enough our daughter in law is the same, whenever there is a full moon she goes crazy, I think I have grown out of it now as I find getting angry only tires me out.
We all know where there is life there is death, we are born to die, but Peter and I, even though he had seen his mum and dad die before he was 18, and my dad died when I was 25 then lost my younger sister, we honestly never, ever thought it would happen to us, we just got on living our lives together and making plans.
We were the luckier ones, a long and happy life with the one we loved with all our heart.

Sheila.x

3 Likes

Stan and I used to talk about one of us being left on our own, I suppose it was because we were older.
I used to dread his going before me, yet, in a way, I am glad that he isn’t going through what I am going through now. :cry: :cry:

2 Likes

I suppose it is because it is inevitable, John.

Yes Mary, and that’s the hardest part to bear. I think it’s the helplessness we feel. It will happen, everything that happens will inevitably happen, and most of us don’t like not being in control of our lives. But certainty does not exist. We may think it does, and when something awful happens we are surprised. Planning, although in some circumstances it has to done, should not be regarded as something that is unchangeable.
Even in normal times and without bereavement, a day at a time is still good sense.
Take care Mary. Love. John.

1 Like

Thank you. John. your posts are comforting.
Love, Mary

We used to talk about the same thing. We knew one of us would go before the other . In a way I’m glad he went first because I wouldn’t have wanted him to suffer the devastating pain I had. I keep myself busy but now have to do the jobs he used to do. He was a perfectionist and I try to do the things the way he did. I ask myself would he be pleased with the way I do them. We were always independent and I need to to keep that independence.
We did not plan for his passing because I couldn’t accept what was going to happen. By accepting it I felt I was betraying him. I felt I should have been able to make him better, but now realise nothing would have because helped because he was ill for a long time but he didn’t know.
Keeping busy helps during the day, but weekends are tough.
Everyone take care.

Ann2
My sentiments too, I don’t think that men are as good at coping as women are - no disrespect fellas.
I have a good idea what Stan would be like if I had died first, I would have hated for him to have had the pain which I have had. Stan was a perfectionist too. He is my dearly loved husband also. :broken_heart:

3 Likes

Hi MaryL, I wouldn’t have wanted my husband to go through the pain I have been through. He has only been gone for 4 months but in some ways it seems much longer. People say I am coping well but I don’t have a choice. The things we did together I have to do alone. The things he did I also have to do. At least it keeps me busy. We both loved the garden and I am out there every day. His clothes and things are exactly as they were the day he left , it gives me comfort to know they are still there because if I move them it means he is slipping away, and l am not ready for that.
Take care

Dear Ann2,
I am so sorry for what you are going through, I really am.
My husband died nearly six years ago and I still cry for what was, still cry because he is not here to put his arms around me. We met in 1964 when he was 18 years of age and it was love at first sight. I can still remember what it felt like, getting ready to go out on a date with him, in those days, no mobiles, no house phones and not even being allowed to use the phones where you worked so you had to wait from one date to the next to see each other, the anticipation building up inside of you until you were ready to burst, especially when you lived a long distance away from each other like we did. Three long bus rides to get to the towns where we lived. I can still remember Peter’s bus pulling into the bus station and this tall handsome boy jumping from it out of the back open door and running towards me where we would kiss each other for the first time in a week, my heart still jumps with the thought of it. We had 50 wonderful years together, always together.
It took me three years to sort through Peter’s clothes because all I could think of was that he would want them when he came home again. Even after the three years when I had packed them away in waterproof bags, I could not give them away so I put them in boxes in the laundry room until the time came that I was ready to part with them, it took me another six months to be finally ready. I still have all his books on our bookshelf, still have all our Cassettes, videos, CD’s in the record cabinet and only last week did I pick up the courage to pack up our beloved LP’s, EP’s, 45 rpm records. There were tears pouring down my cheeks as I put them in cardboard boxes and then ring our sons to ask them to put them on a website and sell them to fellow record collectors.
Peter was a keen photographer of all kinds of transport, he had thousands of photos he had taken from the late 50’s onward so I rang all the different transport museums and each one came to collect the photos so they could sell them to fellow collectors and make money for the museums.
The next thing will be all his books, on transport and music from the 50’s onward, I may donate them to the museums as well. It would be lovely to think that fellow collectors were buying his beloved books and getting the same kind of joy from them that Peter got.
This pain will never end and yes you do in a way get through it but I would not call it surviving, this is not living anymore, always wanting your old life back because you know your new life will never be the same without your beloved partner so you live in the past such a lot and the past becomes more real to you than the present and I never even think about the future, especially now with what is going on in the world.
All I can say is take one day at a time, cry, scream and throw things, I use to knock hell out of the back garden, just to exhaust myself, you will get through it and learn to live alone, you won’t like it but you will get through it. Do not put a time limit on grieving, it is impossible, you cannot love someone for most of your life and expect to ‘be over it’ in a matter of months, in my case, I will never get over it.
Love,
Sheila.x

3 Likes

No need to apologise Mary because you are so right. Men ‘bottle up’ emotions far more than women as witness this site where the majority are women. Women open up far quicker during counselling than men. I had a man come to me for six sessions and I was completely at a loss to see why he was so anxious. As he left after the sixth session he turned and said ‘Oh, by the way, my wife left me six weeks ago’ !! Shame! He was a man and had failed as a man. He could not keep ‘his woman’. Sad!!
Men don’t cry!! Another hard fallacy to overcome. As boys we are told girls cry but boys don’t. This one did and still does. It’s not good for men to behave this way. Emotions must be not be suppressed. They can turn inward and cause physical problems. The ‘stiff upper lip’ should be abolished. It’s silly and irrelevant.
Take care Mary. Love and Blessings.

1 Like