Men and grief.

I recently saw a post that said about men who appear to cope better with grief than women. The word ‘appear’ is important here. The vast majority of posts on here are from women. Why? Because women are much more able to express emotions than men. Any counsellor will tell you that. Almost all women will unload in the first secession, it takes a lot longer for a man to do so. In psychological terms we all have our opposites in some measure. There is a masculine side to a woman and a feminine side to man. Watch a new dad with his baby. The feminine caring side is to be seen.
But with most men this side is lost or considered too ‘sissy’ to be considered. You have to be a man to appreciate this. We are brought up with the ideas that ‘men don’t cry, it’s a sign of weakness’. ‘Men don’t show their emotions’. ‘You keep a stiff upper lip in all circumstances’. What a load of old rubbish!!!
When my wife died I cried every day for weeks. I am not at all sorry about that because it does relieve some tension.
I have seen many men cry and most have felt ashamed to have done so in front of another man. I find this so very sad. The inability to express emotions can cause all sorts of problems. Not just emotional but physical.
The Latin countries don’t regard a man expressing emotions as abnormal. But the British!!! For goodness sake guys, let it all out. It will help so much.
Blessings to all.

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Hi Jonathan it is coming up to a year since I lost my wife Jane(November 3rd ) and I don’t mind admitting I have cried everyday since wether driving the car ,shopping,walking my little dog or just sitting ,just the thought of being alone without Jane upsets me so much I do not feel lonely for company just alone without her.
When young and single the word alone means nothing but you get married for us 43 years and as the years go by nothing prepares you for this being alone I do not feel sorry for myself its just any amount of grief I find hard to shake off and crying wether I am talking to someone or on my own doesn’t make up for the loss just relieves the pressure so to speak.
We had discussed the afterlife and everything was in place so if anything happened to me Jane would have things in place to carry on,the only thing we did not discuss was the being alone from one another and how it would affect us,there are ways to get round this grief the easy way for me at the moment is to cry and just wish life would have been different so until I see her again I’ll cry.
Regards my friend MM69

My dad lost his soulmate of 54 years. my mum. I have seen him cry. But he is still being incredibly strong and stoic. I ask him “are you lonely”. He says “not lonely. But empty and alone”

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I recently met up with a man while walking the dogs who told me about his friend who had lost his wife and kept crying in company. This dog walker had told his friend to stop crying as he was being selfish upsetting other members of the family. I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing.
I was recently at a group meeting. There was a man that had lost his Mum and while he had been dealing with everything he found he was the strong one in the family only now is his grief coming out and he tries hard not to cry when talking. My heart goes out to him.

Hi MM69

my partner Jayne passed 10th feb and showing how much Jayne meant and means to me by crying isnt something id ever be ashamed of.Jayne was my world and until I leave this mortal coil I will be shedding tears regularly.like you im not lonely I just want Jayne to be here with me.although bereavement counselling didn’t help to end my feeling of loss and wanting be with Jayne.it did give me some one tell how much Jayne meant to me and how much I loved her.no one could ever replace Jayne in my heart or soul.having lost my sister aged 9 which broke me as I cried loads at the loss of Samantha.theres no real comparison as Jayne meant more to me that I ever thought possible the sense of loss .I cannot see it ever diminishing and I miss Jayne more as each day passes,my love will never fade either.good luck in finding ways to get through each day and night.
regards
ian

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In my world, men are human too, so why not let it out, the tears, the crying…we all have feellings, we all have emotions, we all share the same sadnes, the los of our partner- our wife - our hubby…this is our real world, dont bottle it up men, let it out…this does not sure that you are the weaker sex - this stiff upper lip, this shows you are just like any other human being letting out your emotions, your sadness and not afraid of showing it to the world…

Jackie…sending a ((( hug ))) to our menfolk…and telling them it is ok to cry, whether in secret or for all to see, to hear…For me to see a grown man cry goes up in my book, not down…

Hello Johnathan,
You are so right…I can tell you this with great conviction.
I lost my Mum 44 years ago at the age of 16 and told myself I must not cry under any circumstances …must be a man and grow up quickly.
How wrong was I…ironically, I have not grown up and have remained stuck at the age of 16 having effectively wasted the last 40 + years trying to figure out how and why my life has gone so badly wrong.
No wife, no kids, no house, no holidays and now living pathetically in a shared house at the age of 61…losing a close parent at that inbetween age ( neither child nor adult) must be the worst age of all.
It’s so hard to explain why…Prince Harry knows all this, I’m sure.
So, yes, men should cry and need to!
Thanks for your insightful post.
Peter D.

Peter…
…as a lady aged 68 who also have never married, i talk about past tense as my late father often would have said…" never say never, girl…" even i still live in hope are having recently lost my partner Richard of 20 years, no we never married, we should have, in hindsight more me than him of why we never, now i am left with regrets as he was a good man…We had met in later life, 20 years ago, i am now 68 he was 74 and i just lost him 11th April, just six months ago suddenly and unexpected…
Yes " expect the unexpected…" ( which of course could mean either way, good or the bad, " another idiom of my late father, he always expected the positives in life…I always consider i take after my late father, i was defininately his daughter, the natural then blonde hair, blue eyes, he was from what they call a rough and ready family, all now aprt from one sister, my aunts and uncles have all gone, both my parents i lost when they were in their 60’s…i was in my 20’ then 30’s, so i was made a young orphan…all but one of my aunts and uncles also had gone when i was in my 20’ and 30’ so for the past 20 years my Richard was my only apart from my daughter and grandson who are 150 miles from me…So what i am trying to say is…" never say never…" dont give up hope in finding your sole mate, i found mine, only sadly he is no longer here with me but we " never know what is waiting for us around that next corner…" just dont give up on hope…another of my late fathers idioms was " the best is yet to come…" well i believe i have had my best in Richard, now he is in a better place, although he is in a better place than me at this moment in time, meaning i have now taken over his pain…Hand on heart i know he is still with me if not in body he is with me in spirit, i know he will never leave me, well not until he knows his time with me is not needed anymore, the time i am ready to let him go, the time i will let him finally rest in peace, i owe my Richard that…

Jackie…

I’m a fully grown boy of 46 years. Lost my mum very recently.
I’ve only told about 3 people the exact details of the day she died and I found those 3 times an extreme struggle to talk about without breaking down completely. I wanted to talk about it as I needed to face up to the reality.
I’ve always be the emotional and sensitive type and I’m not afraid to say that I fall apart and cry. If I kept it in I’m sure I would suffer further psychological damage so I’m hoping that by letting it all out then it will do me some good!
Everyone handles grief in their own way and it’s ok not to cry if that’s your thing. Doesn’t mean you’re not suffering any less.
I did feel awkward when I went back into the work office recently when I first lost control upon saying good morning to the concerned looking colleagues. I ended up making the HR manager cry when in her office too! I didn’t see that coming and hoped it wouldn’t but there you go, you can’t control emotions!
Shaun

Hello Jackie,

Thanks for your nice message.
So sorry for your loss…your late husband sounded like a great guy. You must miss him so much.

As your Dad had said to you…
‘never say never’.

I know from experience that things can change in an instant…so I’m still hopeful of future happiness despite all the wasted years…and the shame of all those wasted years which goes hand in hand with the embarrassment.
This is a wonderful site…people, complete strangers, helping and supporting each other.
People who have been through similar experiences and sharing their feelings…doctors and professionals, despite their good intentions, just cannot do this.

Best wishes to you and everyone on here…

Peter D…

I too lost my wife nearly 2 years ago and I to could not stop crying
up until the last I tried to help all that was possible for me to do
we were married for 63 years and It was a very happy marriage
through bad times and good ones. when things were bad we stuck together not like some folks that when the going got ruff they parted
I went into hospital shortly after Eileen died for a hip operation and exactly one year after she died she came to me at night and put her arms around me and kisssed me
.you can imagine how I felt, and I could not stop myself crying with
imotion. I believe that we all have overcome the grief in our own way

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