It will be 8 months on Monday since I lost my lovely husband Alex and as most of you will appreciate rather than getting easier my grief feels denser if that makes sense. I’m so tired, tired of trying to adjust to my situation tired of feeling vunerable tired of feeling profoundly sad tired of feeling fear, tired of feeling alone, tired of dealing with various circumstances that have arisen since my husband died. I’m tired of worrying about the future I’m tired of constantly distracting myself from thinking about the past I’m tired about trying to concentrate on the present. Of course it’s early days so many people tell me that I find myself repeating it like a parrot so I like everyone on this forum settle in for the long haul as what else can we do, it’s not like we have any choice our choices went away with our love ones, it’s not like we can hop off this rollercoaster of pain and so on it goes and it’s so tiring I’m exhausted I feel as though I could sleep for a month but of course I don’t or rather I can’t despite being exhausted from work that’s something else that comes with grief, no respite sorry having a bad day because I’m so tired!
I know how you feel I’m all of the above it’s 6months now since Robert has passed and I still can’t believe he is not coming back I’ve tried counciling I’m working weekends now just to numb the pain my whole life has changed and I hate it every single day is the same I would say to you to try and keep busy but it doesn’t work for me all we can do is just take each day as it comes and try to make the best of it . It’s just going to take time to adjust to our new lives I hope you feel better soon I’m here anytime you want someone to speak to take care xxx
Hi aquarias A
I lost my dad to lung cancer June 2nd of this year, so I know how you feel even though lots of people have been through it I still feel like l’m the only 1 hurting it’s been nearly 5 months and my emotions have been sad, mad, guilty, lonely I just take 1 day at a time I miss him so much.
Three months yesterday for me since my Mum and yes exhausted all the time. Went out to work today to try and take my mind off it all. Lovely colleague with me who just sat and let me talk once work was over. Home to an empty house.
Same as you Janey try to keep busy but am emotionally on the brink. The lack of support from other quarters is awful. Feel very alone sometimes (lived with Mum) and know that is my lot now unless i am blessed and find an understanding partner.
I want my old life back and i know that makes me sound like a spoilt baby but that is the way I feel all the time.
Hi Janey I agree with you especially about finding it hard to be believe they are never coming back we are actually living without them but there is still an aspect of disbelief, disbelief that it’s even happened to us I always thought that bad things only happened to other people how naive I know but some how I thought I was immune. I actually feel sorry for myself my situation for all of us suffering a loss. The constant rollercoaster of emotions that keep emerging seem to somehow lock you into the moment so there is no escape and don’t even talk to me about Christmas I’m dreading it! xx
To kel77 I’m very sorry to hear about your dad there isn’t much I can say to you to make you feel better just know you are not alone we are all in this horrible club together and although it may not be much of a consolation I promise sharing your thoughts feelings etc will help you rant when you need to there is nothing you can say that most of us won’t be feeling and I promise although at the moment you will have more bad days than good hopefully that won’t always be the the case xx
I read your message and my heart went out to you. I’m not getting much support myself and I like you feel deeply lonely it’s funny really but I’m probably getting more support via strangers than people who are close to me including family. But I guess truthfully people don’t really understand unless the intensity of loss and it can be hard to know how to help someone grieving because we can’t be helped the clique "that time is a great healer"is very true but I suspect you never really get over a loss you just learn to live with it. Also I don’t think you sound like a spoilt baby you did not choose this life and it’s obvious you feel cheated I am exactly the same what I would say it’s important that you keep talking about how you feel and to know you are not alone we are in the same boat so anytime you want to unload this is a safe space in which to do it message me anytime in the meantime stay strong when you can and cry when you can’t. xx
I have just joined the site. I am so sorry. My husband died totally unexpectedly one month ago, and every word you have written I can identify with. It is so hard, coping with everyday life. I too can’t sleep, have two dogs that I have to walk separately as they are too strong for me, and am struggling with running the house. Coming home from somewhere and walking into the house is a nightmare. Wishing you well.
Hi eme I am very sorry that you lost your husband to you think that loneliness will be the hardest thing to cope with and of course that’s a big part of it adjusting to your new normal but there are so many other issues that you have to get past all while you feel at your most vunerable and lost. I find myself on a level abeit a shakey one one minute and the next crying uncontrollably and nothing helps everything hurts I try to distract myself with work but have to listen to my colleagues talk about there spouses and Christmas and I feel so cheated I try not to think to much about the future although my head does take me there with all the fear that comes with that but I think it’s important to stay in the present as after all the future isn’t promised so why worry about things that may not happen also it does help to vent yor feelings at least on here we are all in the same situation so we understand you aren’t going through this alone you have a whole family of people on here who find it it cathartic to listen and offer advice it’s very early days eme and it’s heart breaking I know just be strong when you can and cry when you can’t xx
Thanks darl I will definitely come back to this forum it’s good to know your not alone xx
I have just read your initial post and the 22 October post. How perfectly you portray this nightmare that you wake up to, rather than from. I lost my husband 7 weeks today from a heart condition and every day if torturous. I sincerely empathise with you. Have as much a peaceful evening as possible.
Hello Tina 1 please except my sincerest condolences on having lost your husband I to lost my husband from a heart condition he was just 47 and I completely understand exactly what you are going through. It’s profoundly lonely when you’ve lost a spouse not to take anything away from people who have lost others members of family or friends it’s just a different dynamic. I feel like I am walking zombie I got to work come home eat wash and go to bed I’m grateful when I am tired because I am unable to think unfortunately my mind takes me to dark places and I constantly wonder what the point is. Grief can’t be avoided I miss my husband every day we were married 18 1/2 years it seems surreal even though it’s been 9 month I still can’t quite believe he’s gone he was my best friend my life and somehow I am suppose to find away forward life feels very cruel xx
I lost my wife (she died on her birthday she was 41 )im 57 .I was her carer for 8 years .7 years before that she was as fit as a fiddle life was amazing .I understand the nightmare that this is .Time isnt a great healer it just forces me to think and live a life ive never wanted .Its how long is a piece of string to get more stable i hope .Christmas as far as im concerned is cancelled theres only me .Help i get from gp here and the Samsritians my heart goes out to all of you massive hugs Colin
Sincere condolences to you as well for your traumatic loss. When my Husband survived a massive h/attack on New Year’s day I thought we had a narrow escape and he did have good and bad periods before he declined and passed away from heart failure a day after my birthday 7 weeks ago having been in hospital for 5 weeks. They gave him weeks to live following discharge to Hospice at home care but it turned out to be hours. I was going to use those weeks to make life as special as possible and it didn’t happen. It’s like 2 losses in a way, a precious partner and ones self. We had been married 15 years. I have a lot of thoughts about not being able or wanting to get through it and my mind also goes to many dark places. The if only and what if thoughts are relentless and debilitating. It’s been just 7 weeks, not 7 months and I can’t even visualise just a week further from now. I don’t really want to visualise a future at all. Hope you have a peaceful a day as possible. Kind regards Tina
I lost my Mum four months ago and feel a part of me has been ripped away from me. I am unmarried so cannot imagine the pain of losing a partner but was told by the vicar conducting Mum’s funeral service that as I lived alone with her it would be similar for me.
All I can say is I am in complete awe of my Mum who was married over 40 years and how she got through losing her husband and bearing that loss for very many years. Also looking after me and supporting me through the misery of that time whilst grieving herself. I know she made a life for herself again as a single lady and I do believe she enjoyed her time with me living at home but it cannot have been the same.
Like many on this site I cannot see beyond one day at a time and the half existance I am living through. I have been out at work most of today and just walked into an empty house again and the prospect of a long evening on my own. I try not to indulge in self pity but feel so miserable.
Very sad to hear about your mum Mel
I come home to a empty house and I know what you mean it’s just awful it’s weird I’m desperately lonely but can’t really bear to be around people the silence is deafening and Christmas forget it I guess it’s one day at a time or even one hour at a time for some people whatever ever gets us through xx
I tis that emptiness in the home that gets to me. I have been a carer for my mother for a while…her birthday would have been on Christmas, so every time the adverts on the TV and radio come on I have to switch the volume off.
I agree with you Aquarius and Mel about the isolation. I do have family but rather cut off from them I never had offers of help when I was caring for my mother. So now the social glue to our family unit has gone we have scattered. I have to cope with the fallout now as well as looking for somewhere to live, easier said than done and a job…that’s going to be fun at 52 and out of the job market for a long time…
It is the evenings that seems the darkest and loneliest for me.
take care folks…try and sleep well.
Regards to all
How I agree with you about the evenings. I have the TV or radio on quietly in the background just to hear something going on, never did when Mum was around.
However, in some ways happier on my own. A bossy relative (who was about as much use as a chocolate teapot in terms of caring for Mum) has turned up to check up on me. My home is now not my own as they are taking over, playing loud and very irritating music at all hours. Shouting and throwing their weight around, pressurising to erase all memory of Mum from the house by mass clearance of her belongings. Latest is having her much loved pets put to sleep or rehomed.
Hope your day has been better than mine!
Hello mel, I can’t help feeling concerned about your bossy relative. Do you have someone who can stand up for you? To lose your mum, then this must be horrific. Do they have legal rights to do this? Sorry it makes me feel so angry that people can treat you like this whilst your grieving . Citizens advice is free for legal help. I hope someone can give you practical help.
Thinking of you , kind regards Kim .
To follow up Kim’s post, with the best will in the world, I think you may have to ask your bossy relative to leave. O.K you may risk the bossy relative taking offence and flouncing off but it would be worth it. Perhaps, you could sugar the pill by saying you need the emotional space. Sorry if I am sounding bossy now - these are just suggestions ! From your postings you sound a very warm and caring person, it is not right you should be so put upon and I was horrified for your mum’s pets too. Forgive me for presuming but I don’t think your mum would want you suffering at your relative’s hands.
Keep us posted - thinking of you, Alan