20th April 12.30pm 
Nick went to sleep x
aww two nicks xx
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@Marl I feel exactly the same about the garden. Canât sit out there but do try to keep it as tidy as I can. My husband kept the garden lovely but it holds no pleasure for me now. Itâs just two years for me and trying to find a way forward without much luck. Thinking of you.X
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Itâs weird we canât sit in the garden I mow the lawn and keep it tidy like you but if I try to sit out I am just in floods of tears. 
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Yes I feel very sad about the garden, I would live to sit out there but it is too heart-breaking, I think it is because we spent so many happy hours out there, we would eat out there on nice days, sit and talk, listen to the radio, do some tasks together, we both loved the garden. I hope I will be able to sit out there again as it would be a nice place to think about David and remember all the things we did together.
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Yes me too itâs been 4 years now maybe this summer I will try and sit out 
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Oh gosh Mandy - that is exactly how Iâm feeling. The only difference is that Iâm retired so endless lonely days. The silence is echoing - I miss so much the everyday comforts of the quiet companionship of my hubby. Itâs 18 months on and feeling worse, not better. Does make you question the meaning of life xx
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Yes even with music or tv on its still quiet. Nobody to talk to.
Im really struggling, no sleep and bad day today.
Anything that goes wrong seems 100 times worse
Ive done the garden a few times and sat out⊠it was rubbish.
Weve got a tiki hut. We used to light the firepit, sit with a drink and music on. It was lovely 
Probably never use it again x
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Did anything make your day worse ?I was sort of having an ok day my daughter was doing my nails and then i got a phone call about Dannyâs life insurance the person on the call was very cold asking me different questions on the death certificate it said heart attack then lack of oxygen to his brain and then hypertension all she was focusing on was the hypertension which he was on blood pressure tablets for that didnât kill him his heart did its like they want anything not to pay its not like its a huge amount after that my stomach was churning they should have training on how to speak to people who have just lost somebody
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How long ago Mandy did you loose your hubby? Xx
@Debrat
Thats horrible. Yeah, insurance do anything to get out of it. Dont worry it will say heart attack on death certificate.
My day started with a virus on my phone saying it was going to shut down if i didnt take anti virus software⊠blah blah⊠it was pinging every second.
I walked up to our shopping centre and a phone shop guy fixed it.
As i was walking home HR phoned me⊠back to work talk. I was willing to walk and talk, but then she said it lasted for half an hour and it threw me⊠what would we talk about for half an hour?
She said it was too noisy⊠i asked if she could phone back.
She then sent an email to work to say i refused the phone meeting.
I knew she was phoning but my phone was playing on my mind.
Everything i do seems to go wrong!!
@Jazpur
20th April. Then i organised my first funeral⊠service, burial and wake 16th may⊠on my own x
Im traumatised by the whole thing.
Looked after Nick 6th jan until 13th march ( well sat with him 26th dec until 6th jan in hospital too )
Then 13th march he went into a hospice. I went everyday and fed him.
He got a urine infection and passed away⊠stopped eating and drinking. On morphine drivers.
Ive been off work since December.
I dont know what im doing on a daily basis. Back in work Monday!!
I have to say, your boss or whoever it was doing the back to work interview sounds like a heartless barbaric b****.
I hope you manage on Monday.
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Oh mandy you have had a bad day i think at times some things we can handle and get wound up but when your coping with the loss of a partner everything seems worse cause we havenât got that person to talk to ask their advice its all on us and its overwhelming your work seems so insensitive most conpanies now acknowledge your mental health which we all suffer from at some point when grieving
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I keep the tele on all the time - some familiar programmes/voices are comforting like old friends. I find the spring sunshine has helped a little as I can sit and think or meditate away from chores. Also going for a walk every day - even if just short. I spent 3 months visiting my hubby in hospital every day and watching him decline - it is heartbreaking. Then the trauma of arranging the funeral, probate, the household duties etc., I developed painful spinal fractures and diagnosed osteoporosis. All this alone is so very hard. Thoughts are with you xx
.
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Its not my boss. I think its an HR agency?
Gone passed caring x
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I keep thinking about when Nick was at home. Palliative care was rubbish. Everything Nick needed they gave it too late.
I was like a lunatic screaming down the phone. I wanted the best for Nick! He got his new wheelchair 2 days before he passed away, he never used it!
Now if something goes wrong⊠i cry!! 
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Aww thats terrible
I leave the radio or tv on.
Ive started putting google map on my phone all the time in my car⊠it tells me where to drive. Nick used to do that. I used to say⊠are you my driving instructor!!
Its heartbreaking watching the one you love deteriorate on a weekly basis and pass away in front of you 
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Yes i had similar type of care for my husband too ⊠you have to constantly bloody chase them for everything dont you ? This is the NHS we have now 
xx
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Everything too late or too much effort. You are giving it back in the end
Ive never swore so much in my life! From frustration and upset for Nick.
I asked the OT can Nick have a walker⊠NO, he wouldnât be able to use it. He used one for 4 weeks. I paid for it ÂŁ250.
They didnât even put grab rails up. Nicks friends did that.
I asked for a higher commode. Nick was 6ft. The physio sent a shower chair with no pan.
I went mad⊠that why she took her time getting his wheelchair he needed one that cushioned him and supported his head/neck. He was falling out of the standard one. He got it
2 days before he passed away. Too ill to go out then, too late x
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