As I read your message, my heart is breaking for you. I can feel your pain and everything you are going through. It’s just so similar to what I went through and no doubt hundreds of others too, due to this horrible, evil, vile Covid. How I hate that word and what it’s done.
I was waiting patiently for my virtual visit (20 weeks today), but all I got was a phone call late afternoon to tell me that he died. I never got to tell him I loved him or to say goodbye. I don’t know if I could have been strong enough to watch them switch off the ventilator and see him leave me.
The last memories of my virtual visit are so painful, he couldn’t speak to answer me and all I still see is his sad face, and can hear the awful sound of those machines trying to keep him alive. All I keep asking myself is why did he have to die, why did he leave me.
I find I can’t talk to my close friends about him anymore, I just feel like they have heard enough and they quickly change the subject. I still cry and talk to my daughter when i feel so down, but hate upsetting her. It’s a release of all those pent up emotions, but they never really leave, they’re always there waiting for the next heartache and tears to begin again.
All we have left now are our photos and memories which can never be taken away from us. But all I really want is to have him back.
Every day seems harder to cope with as we try to get on with his horrible existence we now have to live. They say the pain of yesterday is the strength of today, but I’m still waiting for that “today” to come.
Thank you again for your heart warming message. My thoughts are with you.