Missing Mam's Love and Support

Coping with bereavement
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Hello
No u fit in as you cared and loveyour mum. I lived with my nan before when I was a teenager/early 20s. And then we were still always together she was the strong one. she went to a care home as she wanted to give me a break as she said it was to much, I was deluded into thinking she would have friends and people to look after her but it was a terrible mistake. I wish I could take it back I think about it all the time. I visited her daily though sitting for hours putting the world to rights.she is my everything. I’m feeling at terrible loss without her and the dementia was so cruel.

But I think it’s trying anything this chat helps. And u mention exercise that defo helps the mood I was doing lots of walking but then got unmotivated and am abit stuck atm trying to get back to it. It seems to occupy my mind even if it’s only for abit.

Take care.

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Hello Mccoy1. It is me again Stephen. I just read message you sent to Bach.

Like you said your nan was always considering you and looking out for you. You are right about a care home. It should have been all those things for your nan.

The important thing is you were with your nan all the time. Chatting and doing what you did at home. Your nan would have loved it and so did you. You were and are her constant companion. A wonderful grandson for a wonderful nan.

People go in care homes often.put there by relatives and after that they hardly see them. That isn’t and wasn’t you. You looked after your nan so greatly and she loved you so much. Remember that please Mccoy1.

Best wishes.Stephen.

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Thank you Stephen that means alot specially a day like today.

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You are very welcome Mccoy1.

Best wishes. Stephen.

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Hi Sparrow
I hope you are ok. I’ve been trying so hard to keep my grieving in check that it’s just bottling it up and I’m getting at a loss again.
I agree with you that exercise like walking everyday helps. And even in this extreme heat we are experiencing I know it’s still good to get out. I find it’s best early mornings to go for a walk as not so hot although still around 22-3c some mornings.
I do read a lot of the posts on here, it helps to link the backgrounds. Although I find I can loose the thread sometimes.
I know what you mean when you describe how little support or understanding from those that are close to you is very frustrating.
Your mum was your world too and when we loose them we really do loose a piece of ourselves. And that gap can’t heal over. We have to bring other parts of ourselves to cover over the gap. Like time walking or doing something that occupies or mind.
It’s good you have your partner and your sister for support. I know as you say they don’t fully understand your loss, as like with your sister she didn’t live with your mum so her perspective is different.
I’m very sorry that your sisters husband passed. All this loss and the lead up and post this grief is heartbreaking. Takes all our energy to carry on.
I really do wish I could bring back our mums. Then this total sadness would just go. But I can’t.
It can really lock up the mind and block all motivation can’t it?
Do you find your counselling helping? I know nothing is a cure, it can’t be for the loss of our mums. But do you find the counselling has taken the edge off some raw feelings of total sadness?
Yesterday my sadness was bad. Possibly as apart from sharing my mums memory here within our invaluable little community and re-reading previous posts I can’t really chat about mum to anyone else.
Grief is so exhausting isn’t it and I really do appreciate your posting.
Warmest wishes. Wuu

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Good morning Mcoy
I read some your posts and I find them very profound and heartfelt. Your nan sounded such a wonderful person to you and you for her. For her to have you to look after her when she was with dementia must have been terribly hard.
I know she would have felt ‘safe’ in your care/company. She was so fortunate to have you there.
Life now is tough isn’t it? I know miss my mum so very much it’s hard to focus and concentrate.
It’s a piece of us that dies too.
Your wonderful nan is still around especially when you look. I know my mum is as we build such a strong bond and connection while they are here with us.
When I catch a glimpse of my mum’s photo on my phone it always makes me pause and I just take a moment to look straight back at her.
I still in my head ‘talk’ with her and ask her questions like: “what do you think?” Or “what shall I do?”
I miss just about everything from my way of life I had with mum as I am sure you do with your lovely nan.
It’s hard to convey into words sometimes isn’t it? Grief is exhausting.
I hope you have an ok day today. The weather is getting hotter. Mum and me always preferred cooler weather.
Always know that we are here for you Mcoy You are never alone here.
Sending you warmest wishes. Wuu

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Good afternoon Stephen
I hope you’re ok today. I have read a great deal of threads that do mention many different aspects of dealing with grief. I think some of the most positive steps are actually talking and keeping our cherished memories alive of our lovely mums. Relaying their stories and their wonderful quotes that they would tell us.
At the moment I seem to be so stressed it’s exhausted me. Trying to reach out when I really I didn’t before, it is so hard. But I know I have too as it’s the only way to progress forward.
It can feel overwhelming without mum to fall back to. Mum was so wise (as I’m sure your lovely mum was too) now I find with out her I’m resorting to googling Ai. Just to get answers.
I used to think ‘if ever you go mum-I’d rather go with you’. ‘She at the time just looked at me like as if to say ‘I’m not going anywhere? I did tell her that earlier on when she was just diagnosed as was I so panicked and shocked at the dreadful prognosis.
I knew it would be tough and it is.
I think it’s good you can find comfort from visiting your mam, dad, and grandparents graves. And that it builds you up to cope on this loss journey. Do you put fresh flowers there too?
Today I’m finding it exhausting and the weather is extremely hot it’s now 31c.
Sending you warmest wishes. Wuu

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Hello Wuu.

Thank you for your message. I was going to send you a message this afternoon. I read your last two messages on here this morning and I realised you were struggling after what you’d written. It is so hard and life seems so unfair. I see and I don’t mean to sound mean when I say this, a lot of undesirables when I am out and I think they are rotten ,yet alive. Why isn’t my beautiful caring mam here? Just like your mum should be here Wuu.

Memories do keep our mums alive. I agree totally. The Marie Curie lady said to me why is it so important that your brother listens to you talk about your mam. I said well apart from me, he is only the other one who knows some of these memories and it keeps mam alive. It did not matter Wuu really because he does not mention mam and each time he has come here since mam passed away, he has never made a simple comment such as: I miss seeing mam sitting in her armchair when I come visiting. Not one word.

The Marie Curie lady said it might be because he is living in your shadow. With all the years and the care you did for her. I said maybe so, but he had plenty of chances to help me and mam and he never bothered. I think she is trying to be diplomatic ,but I cannot make excuses for him.

I can totally understand your stress and how exhausting it is. My stomach has been okay, but it is totally upside down these last two days through upset and crying. Mam passed away 16 weeks ago this Saturday. I have always been totally lost and upset, but these last three weeks have been terrible.
I know it is over a year for you Wuu, but I think you are the same as me. For whatever reason the grief is getting worse.

It is overwhelming for us. I am like you, a quiet, caring and reserved person, but I feel I could just scream out sometimes. Do you feel that way too sometimes? As you said, where we relied upon our beautiful mums for help, support and advice, now we use AI. I know you said you do and I do and Sparrow 2 does too.

Sometimes Wuu for us all on here, words aren’t enough. I don’t know what is. You lived, loved and cared for your mum all her life right through her illness. Like me and mam, you were always together and you were and still are inseparable. You are your mum. The way you speak. Your caring persona. The love you give and gave to your mum. Your mum saw that and other people can too.

I think the grief we are carrying now and will always carry is because of the outstanding unbreakable unique bond we had with our mums. Some people see their parents once or twice a year. Ring a couple of times a month. We on here, you, me and the rest chose not to do that. We lived with and for our parents and they lived for us too. That bond is so special that we will always have, but we are proud to have it because we know, as our mams do, that we were always there for them as they were there for us.

A while ago, me and mam started putting artificial flowers on dad and grandma and grandad’s graves. Mam’s interment was 5 weeks today. I set my heart on fresh flowers and for nearly the first 4 weeks put fresh on. However, I go to the cemetery on a Wednesday and Saturday. I put fresh on Wednesday. I went on a Saturday and the flowers were starting to look shabby. I topped up the water, but I felt awful leaving mam and dad’s grave like that until the Wednesday, so I bought some quality artificial flowers a week ago. They look lovely and i go twice a week as before, but don’t feel upset at seeing dying flowers after 4 days.

Definitely too hot today. I took my car for a service this morning so when they ring I have over a mile to walk to pick it up. Not looking forward to that. I have decided that tomorrow and Friday I am not leaving the house. I use sunscreen ,but it gets me down having my skin feeling clogged up.

Remember Wuu. I and the others are always here. Message any time. That is why I put those general messages because I felt so down. God bless and sending you my warmest wishes.Stephen.

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Hello Wuu, I have had alot going on with work, navigating a difficult situation. Finally, getting the outcome I need. I completely see how releasing the film of your Mum exercising a year ago can be a trigger. That would definitely be the same for me as it is a reminder of the wonderful life you had with your Mum and reinforces the loss of your Mum even more. When I read it I did think that this was a ‘sign’ from your Mum. It cannot be a coincidence for it to be released on that day? Wuu, I think your Mum is letting you know that she took care of herself and wants you to do the same for you. When Mum first died, I told my sister that I did everything for Mum. She told me to now do it for myself. I could not think like that. I did decide though that I would continue to cook healthy meals etc as Mum would want me to. My Mum used to tell me to look after myself. Mum and I were great tea drinkers! We always had a cup of tea when we got home! Your Mum sounds so amazing. The good health of your Mum and then the awful diagnosis is so hard. It is something that you never expected. Reading about your Mum reminds me of my Mum. My Mum had pain in hospital (which I still think was a sign of the impending cardisc arrest). Yet despite this, the next day after hip surgery, Mum was up and walking. A few days later, she participated in a group exercise class and walked back to her bed. 3 days later, Mum had a sudden cardiac arrest. I can never get over it. I try to not think as it is the only way I can get through. My counselling has ended as I did the maximum 12 sessions. I definitely needed it. At first, I thought it was not helping but as the sessions progressed the sessions helped me to talk about difficult memories - Mum’s last year. I had face-to-face and I had a lovely counsellor. I used to see her eyes fill with tears as I sobbed every session. I did not know if she was mirroring me to help me. In my last session, she shared that she used to hold back the tears as she felt the depth of my love that I had for my Mum. If you find such a lovely counsellor, go for it. I walk every evening which helps. I also walk in the morning if I don’t have work. Mum and I always walked together. I hope that the evening is better for you Wuu.

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Thank you for the reply.

My nan is so wonderful. It makes me so emotional how much she struggled with dementia. And how much I have. I can’t believe how she used to be my strong angel warrior. I’ve seen Stephen wrote about how we’ve lived for a relative and they lived on for us. That’s so true with my nan. She still wanted to carry on she asked me how could she fight it. It makes me feel arwful we couldn’t have had more time together.

She did feel safe with me I just wished if of wrapped her up in cotton wool and kept her with me every minute.
Life is horrible without her. But I know her only wish would be for me to be happy. How I don’t knw but I have to try for her.
When I look at photos it makes me so sad. I do wave at a certain one though as she’s waving in the picture.

Take care. I know you miss you mum too. They want us happiest we can be as always. Thank you for saying she’s here when I look for her.

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Hello Mccoy1.

I just want to say. Some days I look at pictures of mam and I get so upset and other days I can look at mam and think how lovely and beautiful she is. Like you it varies.

I felt so emotional when you said about waving to your nan in a photo where she is waving too. Mam always waved ,but with her Alzheimer’s it became something she did more often. I look across at the cushion with mam’s picture and the other pictures of mam and I wave at them and say hello beautiful mam.

God bless and best wishes. Stephen.

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Hello McCoy1, How you describe your Nan living on for you, is exactly how it was for my Mum. She kept going for me and did everything she could to keep healthy.

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Hi Mcoy
When you wrote that in one of your photos of your lovely Nan she is waving so you wave back that is so touching. Yes, photos of our loved ones can be so emotional can’t they?
Seeing them can transport us for a moment like they are really here with us. It’s very heartwarming. But it’s only just for a fleeting few seconds. And if that’s only now what can be then we will just have to treasure that tiny moment.
Each day has its challenges doesn’t it? But definitely our little community here and posting on this platform really does help.
Thank you for replying to me.
Sending you warmest wishes. Wuu

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Oh yes she tried her best and more. They cared for us more than themselves. She dedicated her whole life to me. She is an incredible women. It’s nice to hear so many incredible mum’s and nans. They don’t make erm like them anymore. I always say I’ve never met a more selfless person than my Nan.
I remembered the other day when her neighbour got ill she did everything she could helping her. She tidied and did her food. And she also looked after her parents mother in law and did some great work with children at the youth club and school etc. There has been many times and I still continue to be in ore of her. The more I remember the more I know why I love her so much.
May they all be in paradise.
Take care.

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Hello Mccoy1.

There is one thing for certain. Your beloved nan and my beautiful mam are definitely in Paradise. Such loving, caring and inspirational individuals deserve no less. They were one offs. Totally unique.

God bless and sending you my warmest wishes. Stephen .

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Hello McCoy1, Your Nan understood and liked people. Not everyone is a giving person. Your Nan will most certainly be in paradise. You are right, “They do not make them like that anymore.” My Mum was similar - she would do anything for anyone. I have many memories.

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Hi Stephen
Yes our mams, our mums, nans they are all in paradise. A place so blissfully beautiful with no pain. It’s only for the deserved and our beautiful mums/nans will be there for us all who they left to find them, when we keep looking for signs. They are there.
Warmest wishes to you Stephen. Wuu

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Hello Wuu.

Yes you are right and we never stop looking for signs no matter how tenuous. For example. My mam’s name was Priscilla. Everyone said to her and also when she was in hospital, what a beautiful name.

You don’t hear it often or see it written. The other day I came across mam’s name twice while I was reading various things. I thought that might be a sign.

Thanks for your message Wuu. God bless and sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes.Stephen.

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Hi Stephen

I’m glad your car passed its mot. But having to walk a mile in that heat must of been tyring.
Your mums name ‘Priscilla’ is a wonderful name :blush:. You, definitely finding her name written twice, was no coincidence but a sign for you to find. A precious link for you. And you didn’t miss it. So you still have a connection. And may you always have a connection with your lovely mam.
I find signs really fascinating. They can appear in a multitude of guises. And they are there to be cherished.
Back in November 2024 when mum was in hospital her symptoms confused the doctors. They said she had a Uti (urinary infection) and that could account for her delirium as that can cause the poisons to run around the system. But after 4 days of antibiotics no improvement in sickness (mum was so wobbly and so sick no matter the food it was not staying down) they put her in for a ct and then mri scan.
After being wheeled in. I waited in the corridor. Thinking about what is happening to mum.
She displayed signs of a stroke. Her one side had gone completely limp and slurring her words. Mumbling. That’s when they came out to get me.
Mum had almost had some sort of fit from the head scan or she was prone and it just happened.
She was then sitting in those pink NHS nightgowns in an NHS wheel chair lopsided.
Saying, ‘they held my head it was horrible?’ But they didn’t. No one had.
Just I later found out she’d had a seizure of some sorts and the tumour was 5cm across the frontal lobe of the brain. The tumour surrounding tissue was compacting with pressure.
They assured me mum would not feel any pain but they stuck her on steroids, anti sickness and then anti constipation.
This immediately ‘means’ giving up on mum.
I know the prognosis was not good. But due to her age nothing was attempted or suggested.
I can only say that perhaps as mum never really knew her prognosis as she was becoming confused.
It was thought that when any nurses talked to mum. That they said, ‘did she go to day centres and how long had she been like that.?’ They were thinking a slow decline of years and like she was old.
But 2 weeks before diagnosis she was peddling about. We’d done a fun free cycle ride out, slow pace with a big group in London. Getting down there via the green line coach (folding bikes) meet with loads on an all abilities/family fun day. She was not old (just a number: 78years)

A recent coincidence/sign, the small wall surrounding the parking bays for each house here had been knocked and broken by the council grass contractors (who zoomed so fast not much grass gets cut) had reversed into wall breaking it.
I knew mum had reported it way back in 2024 sometime. And when I saw workers ‘to praise them for coming out and doing a good job! (so they would finish the job well!) They said it had been reported by a lady at 31! Not me-there was only ever one other lady at 31, and that was mum! It just took 2 years! But mums sign? I don’t know? I like to think so.
Sending you warmest wishes. Wuu

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Hello Wuu.

Thanks for your message. The car was the most i had paid for a service. £70 more than last year.

I carefully read your message about your beloved mum. It is heartbreaking to read Wuu. Your lovely mum. Although not the same as you and your mum, I can empathise with you.

When mum was in hospital and I have said before I was with her 12 hours a day. They kept coming to take mam for different scans. Mam got scared. I said don’t worry mam I will be with you. So they wheeled her bed down and I walked at the side of mam holding her hand down to xray. Mam always wanted me to come in but I couldn’t. One of the auxiliary nurses was with her.

I want to cry now writing this. I heard mam keep saying: Stephen. Where’s our Stephen? The auxiliary said he is just outside Priscilla. Even though she wasn’t in long, we had a lovely reunion when she came out. I am so upset Wuu. I know you are. I miss mam so much.

Also very similar to your mum. Mam had Alzheimer’s and a few other issues, but she walked round the house. Upstairs to bed. She used to dance in her armchair and help with the cleaning. When she was taken in a doctor said: is she confined to bed. I was so angry. I told him. That morning she had been dancing. Plus all the other stuff. But Wuu, while she was in they did not get her out of bed. Her mobility got worse.

Mam loved her traditional pyjamas. She had four pair. She wore them 2 nights and then I washed them. When she went in they put them awful pads on. I told them mam used the loo at home. One day they had put her a pink hospital night gown on and that was it. They kept putting one of them on so it was easier to change her. She was so proud of her pyjamas. A couple of FairIsle pairs plus a pair with polar bears and stars on.

It is so sad Wuu. Your lovely mum and my mam. Not old. Just a number 82 for mam and 78 for your mum. So full of life and so loved and cared for by their dedicated son and daughter.

I feel so sad and this weather is getting me down too. God bless Wuu and I send you all my kindest regards and best wishes. Stephen.