Good morning Sparrow2.
I think today is your first day back at school. I know the first day is usually a training day. I can recall how I felt on my first day back after the summer holidays. I wasn’t looking forward to it after spending more time with mam and dad.
I hope today goes as well as it can do. Sending you all my best wishes.Stephen.
Good morning Wuu.
I hope you are as well as you can be. I didn’t do anything over the Bank Holiday except go up to the cemetery on Saturday. After I finished school in January 2020, me and mam always preferred the weekdays to the weekends and we weren’t keen on Bank Holidays.
That is why we always had our Scarborough Holidays when the children were back at school.
I set off about 10.00am for my museum volunteering. I know you are too Wuu, but i am really missing mam so much. I rang Marie Curie on Saturday. I was a bit concerned about my deep grief. They said an increase in heavy grief after 23 weeks and 60 years together is a painful experience but it is a normal part of the grief journey as they said the initial shock wears off and the true permanence of losing my beautiful mam sets in.
It was good to get reassurance from them but it doesn’t help does it when you are sat on your own at home breaking your heart several times a day.
Do you feel or have you felt that way too Wuu a few months after the passing of your beloved mam?
I hope you don’t mind me asking and the last thing i would want to do is upset you.
God bless Wuu. Sending you all my warmest wishes Stephen.
Hi Stephen,
I’m sorry that you’re feeling very down at the moment.
It is definitely because you shared such a deep feeling with your lovely mam. I think it is the only thing that matters is to allow your grief by talking about your mam to the Marie curie people. It’s a good thing even if they are just listening and not talking much.
It is very, very hard to be as we once were. When our lovely mams/mums were here. Just to feel supported and loved and we loved them in return. Reciprocated in our every day conversations. And that’s just it. The general chat that we had IS missing and our whole wellbeing is missing that. It’s like a natural fix but it’s gone.
It’s going to take a long time for ourselves to cope replacing that just so we can move a little more.
I went to some varied things over the weekend. Some I don’t know why I did but it was a good idea to get out, as four walls were making me feel terrible and very isolated.
Friday evening was a local quiz in the church. I wasn’t sure at first. But nearly every one was around mums age and the questions were so ridiculously hard we were having a laugh and I felt quite welcomed.
Very rural church. Tea, coffee served in cups and saucers, posies placed on pews. Compost toilet outside in the dark!
(You take a torch or use the light on your phone) I think only one guy used it and his team had to wait for his return and then too many questions passed, they didn’t catch up so just ate more of the cake that was there. I was surprised how nearly 2 hours went past.
But you have to keep going out to places or it’s not helping even if you come away thinking never again.
It’s still moving along. But I did think as I didn’t know the folk before except once having met the lady organising it. How friendly they all were.
The air show at Clacton was nice. They flew into the evening with lit pyrotechnics and ‘drew’ heart shapes in the cloudy sky. It did rain at points throughout and over the tannoy they played ‘singing in the rain’. The journey home (round trip 170 miles!) was a bit tough as motorway stoppages so I was left driving half way back across the countryside, well it felt like that!
Bank holidays have always been for a long time just a walk or pedal off here and there with mum.
Doing our own thing but always really enjoyable. And that is what I miss the most. Just to chat when ever or text if not near. It’s quite heartbreaking at times and I still struggle.
When your mam showed you how to cook her recipes after your dad passed was lovely and so meaningful.
She was thinking about you the whole time.
Which is so important because so many people in grief forget how essential it is to eat well, healthy and get rest. As our minds are all too busy trying to figure out how to cope.
Thank you for remembering my volunteer work today. I hope you too have a lovely time at the museum. Quite different from your last week as you swapped your days around. And you were on your day trip. That change of routine can definitely be helpful too.
Sending you warmest wishes Stephen. Take care and have a lovely afternoon. Wuu
Hello Wuu.
Thank you for your lovely message. I am glad to hear that you are getting out of the house regularly. As much as home is mam and dad, we do need to get out because as I was on the weekend, I felt quite sad and lonely. That is why i rang Marie Curie and thanks for encouraging me to ring them again because I felt reluctant given the lady on the phone just listened but as you said, even listening helps.
Your church quiz evening sounds lovely. Me and mam and dad liked quizzes. When we were away, most hotels put a nightly quiz on. Me and dad were very competitive. Mam less so. Dad used to say we are bound to win. We have our Stephen. Will you go again?
The Clacton Air Show sounded a lovely event. Driving is always a lottery dependant upon smooth flowing traffic which never seems to happen.
You are correct Wuu. Our mums were always there for us for everything. I sometimes now think I will tell mam that or ask mam that.
As I have found out my grief even though a bit worse is where it should be. That helps although sat on your own crying, mam would have always comforted me.
Thank you again for your reply. Sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes Stephen.
Hello Stephen, first day back at school for me too today although an Inset today and tomorrow as you say. It definitely helped to have purpose and focus on something else for a bit. I feel quite low again now I’m home though.
Definitely keep talking to people. When I had the last session of my grief counselling last week, she asked what I’d taken from it. The main thing is that it’s ok to be exactly where you are. You’re not doing it wrong, none of us are. Baby steps forward are still steps and that’s ok. Each small step you’re doing a tiny bit more- volunteering and the grief cafe and your days out. It all helps even if it feels really hard at the time or afterwards.
Anyway I think you’re doing really well. You’re feeling the grief and getting it out when you need to which is healthy. And you’re a huge support to everyone on here!
I hope you’re feeling a bit better this evening. Take care.
Hello Bach.
Thank you ever so much for your support and kind words. It is so lovely to hear from you that I am doing okay and that I help people on here.
Since mam passed away I don’t get compliments. Mam always said nice things to me every day just as your wonderful mum would have done.
You will feel down now you are back home. When I come home after being out I always shout hello to mam, but on many occasions I just start crying.
God bless and sending you all my warmest wishes Stephen.
I second what Bach says. You are such a huge support to all of us. You really understand situations and give sound advice. Back at work and our DHT had a bereavement at the end of term. She is a supportive colleague. HT has ‘delegated’ so I am ‘loaded down’ with extra work plus my own heavy load. I am feeling stressed and the children aren’t even back. My Mum used to say, “Don’t do everyone elses work!” Losing my beloved Mum, my focus has changed. I wanted to make Mum proud. I was happy and had drive and energy. I’ve given so much of my time to education, but feeling worn down now. I lost Mum and have lost my purpose and spark. Of course I will always do my best for the children and families, but its not the same anymore. A few days ago, I posted a link about ‘Grief Works.’ It looks interesting. I will post an email I received about the content. You can post questions Stephen. You might find it useful. Take care
I hope you are okay. We are really looking forward to seeing you at Thursday’s live session with Julia, and ahead of it I wanted to share a longer letter about grief itself — what I wish more people understood about it:
• What grief isHow it impacts usWhy we need support now, more than everWhat people, who are less aware, can do to helpHow the pain can change us
My hope is this helps you feel less alone in what you’re going through. And if it resonates, you’re welcome to share it with someone who might be struggling to understand how it’s affecting you.
Grief is the painful emotional response we feel when a loved one dies.
It is universal, but it is also intensely personal. It is contradictory, chaotic and unpredictable. It often feels like fear as death shatters our sense of control and trust in the predictability of life.
Neurobiologically,grief is a form of learning
. And learning takes time and experience. Our brains have spent years engraining our loved ones into their structures. But the bond doesn’t update the moment they die.
One part of our brain knows they’re gone. Another part keeps expecting them to walk through the door. There’s a battle between our head and our heart – our head knows what happened, but our heart refuses to accept it.
Extract from email.
Hello Sparrow2.
Lovely to hear from you. Thank you so much for your support and kindness.
School sounds hectic and as you say the children aren’t back yet. I remember it well although it has been 6 and half years since i experienced it.
I totally understand how you feel now about school after the passing away of your beloved mum. I felt the fatigue of school and it all worked out well so I could retire.
You will always do your best. The children and families rely on you in your role. I know you said you were thinking of maybe retiring at the end of this year and I also know it is a big decision to take. I did think about it, but not for long and once I knew financially that it worked for me, that was it.
I saw the original email about the grief session and thank you again for the reminder.
I hope the next couple of days go smoothly as they can. A short week, but they never felt that way. In fact sometimes I think i felt that they were longer.
God bless and sending you all my kindest regards and best wishes Stephen.
Stephen, Thank you for your kind and sound advice. It would have been such a straightforward decision if Mum was here. I know Mum would be urging me on. I did speak with Mum about it as I wanted to get her advice as I knew she wouldn’t always be here. She said that I might like to be around people (as she did) but she also always wanted me to be happy. I am going to look at finances at half-term. How have you been? I didn’t manage to get onto the grief session, but received an email afterwards and it looked useful. I find it is when I think about Mum that I cry. I really wish that I could think about Mum and smile. I think it’s because I ‘realise’ it becomes ‘real’ when I think. Take care Stephen. Our Mums /Mams will be close to us tomorrow.
Good evening Sparrow2.
Thank you for your message. I understand when you say it would be a straight forward decision if your lovely mum was at home. I totally agree and being around people as your mum said, has been your career in teaching.
For me it was easier knowing I would be at home with mam every day and it all worked out for the best for us, as it will you whatever you decide.
I did not get onto the session either. I have been down, but I spoke to Marie Curie volunteer on Wednesday and they reassured me that my grief is as it should be after such a short time too. I just was getting myself down a bit thinking I was on a bit of a downward spiral. I’m not, it is just deep grief over losing mam after being together all those years as you were too with your mum.
Volunteering is going well. I had two good sessions this week. Next week from Monday to Friday, I am going to our hotel in Scarborough that me and mam went to 6 times a year for four years. It will be sad but we both so loved it there and the staff in the hotel all thought fondly of mam. I never ever thought when we were there from the 1st to the 5th of December 2025, that it would be our last time there together.
Me and mam always had the same room overlooking the hotel car park. It was a nice room and we could see the car. When we arrived and had got into our rooms, I always made about three trips to bring our cases and other bits from our car. Mam always wanted to help because she liked to be helpful but it would have been too much for her so she waited in our room. She always said I will look out the window for you Stephen. When I got down there I would look up and see mam waving and smiling at me and I would smile and wave back.
I won’t have that room on Monday because it was a twin and now I am in a single, but i will look up at the window to see mam. I will see her in my memory waving and smiling. It is making me cry thinking of it.
Thank you again for your kind words and i hope too that Saturday goes as well as it can given how much it means to both of us and our mums.
Sending you my blessings and all my best wishes Stephen.
Good morning Stephen, Thank you for your insightful message. When I read about your Mum saying that she would look out for you, waved and smiled from the window, I also felt the tears. That simple act shows the depth of your Mum’s love for you. All of her thoughts were centred on you, such a bond of motherly love. It is no wonder that the memory of the love that she had and showed makes you cry. Her response was a natural one, coming from a place of love. Other people would not do that, they would have been looking around the room. Your Mam’s focus was on you, coming from a natural place of love. It then reminded me of when I went to my home in Hampshire, the first time after Mum died. I don’t really feel that I want to go there now as it feels like another ‘first’ each time and the happy times that have now gone make me cry. My sister has the home next door, but for some years now she has lived in a different home, her husbands. Mum used to go into my sisters and have tea and food after the long journey. She always sat by the window. Like your Mum, she always wanted to be helpful, but in later years it was a struggle to get down the path. She would always say about things, “Let me do it while I still can” She would look out of the window for me as I carried our luggage and like you it would take a few trips. Mum would always wave and smile. The first time that I went back to my home, I looked at that window. I am crying now as the emptiness of it made it so real. You are doing so well going to Scarborough. The people in the hotel will welcome you and they knew your Mam. I imagine that staying there you will feel close to your Mam and you will feel your Mam’s presence. Take care Stephen.
I missed it but got link sent to me:
Good morning Sparrow2
Thank you so much for posting the link xx
Thanks Sparrow I’ll definitely give that a listen. Is there any way you could reduce hours or take a change of role? One of my colleagues was AHT but took early retirement- she then came back as a TA and has done that for a few years. She still gets the social contact of working but without the stress. Think she was able to take some of her pension to subsidise her income.
Stephen- I hope you have a lovely trip away in Scarborough visiting all of the places you visited with your mam. I’m supposed to be away this week for 2 nights on residential with school. I really don’t want to go… I don’t sleep great still- I sleep with the tv on now every night for a start. And it feels like home is my only safe place where I’m close to the grief. But my counsellor has advised I try it possibly with some adaptations to help me cope. My life is becoming increasingly small. But I know your mam will be with you in Scarborough so it’s a different thing.
Take care and best wishes
Good afternoon Sparrow2.
Thank your for your very kind message. I do appreciate it very much. I went up to the cemetery this morning and then I cleaned my car. I used to do it every two week when lovely mam was here, but that was only the second or third time since mam passed away.
At 11.40am until 11.50am, I did my weekly ritual of sitting in our dining room on a chair in the same place as it was 24 weeks ago. I sit and think of mam and cry. I know it will make me cry ,but I cannot stop doing it.
Reading about when you went to your house in Hampshire with your mum made me sad too. It is another thing mam and your mum had in common. Looking out of the window for us and smiling and waving. As you said that when you went recently just looking at the window upset you and made you cry. I totally understand. I am the same. We know it will upset us deeply ,but we cannot help looking. I know looking at the window on Monday will upset me, but i will have to look.
When i had my first day trip to Scarborough in May, it was a very emotional visit. The first time there without mam. I have been four more times since and each time I have cried thinking about mam.
I know mam loved Scarborough as we both did and we both thoroughly enjoyed staying at our hotel. The staff made it special and loved mam. This will be my first time at the hotel, as I said, but i think it will be worth it because even though i will be sad, I know mam will be with me.
Sending you all my blessings and kindest regards. Stephen.
Hello Bach.
Thank you for your kind words about my Scarborough holiday.
Two nights residential. Will you go? I suppose like a lot of things like this at school, it is set up weeks in advance with all the paperwork it entails. If you do go, I do hope that you are okay. Sleeping can be difficult enough as you have said, when you are at home,but being away from home can unsettle you. I am sure if you do go Bach, that you will be okay. I am sure of it.
I completely empathise with you about the way you feel about your home. I feel the same way too. It is a sanctuary and I feel so close to mam and dad always when I unlock the front door and walk in.
It is a coincidence that you mentioned about your life becoming increasingly smaller. When mam passed away, my brother, who has never been that helpful, just kept saying to me about what I should do. Where I should go. How i should be doing things. I said to him the same. I said that me and mam’s world was very small. We hardly ever saw anyone. It was just each other that we had and I always said to mam when she said: we don’t see anyone do we Stephen? I used to agree but I said to mam it didn’t matter because I have got you mam and you have got me.
Thank you for wishing me a good week in Scarborough and saying I will be okay because mam will be there with me. I truly believe that too.
Sending you all my blessings and kindest regards. Stephen.
Good afternoon Wuu.
How are you today? Have you been out doing anything? I went to the cemetery this morning and then I washed my car. I have only done it twice since mam passed away 24 weeks ago today. I then did my weekly ritual of sitting in our dining room thinking of mam those weeks ago. It makes me cry, but I cannot help it.
I am going to our hotel in Scarborough from Monday to Friday next week. The first time without mam. I know i will be sad but mam and me loved it there so I know she will be with me.
From the 12th to 20th of September, Doncaster Council are having heritage open days. Lots of things planned. I know you and your mum loved churches and visiting them, as did me and mam. Near to me are two churches, both very historic that always have locked doors. However, next Saturday St Peter’s church in Barnburgh is open from 10.00am until 3.00pm and the following Saturday St Wilfrid’s church in Hickleton is also open the same hours. They are only 2 miles from where I live and it is years since I was in either of them, so i am looking forward to visiting them.
I won’t give you all the history behind them. I love history and talking about it. I suppose that is why i enjoy the museum volunteering. I hope you thoroughly enjoyed your reading volunteering. I presume it will have finished now the schools are back. They have been back since Wednesday here.
Sending you all my warmest wishes and blessings Wuu. Take care. Stephen.
Good afternoon Stephen,
I knew I was meaning to reply to you. How are you? I know you mentioned that you are heading off to Scarborough next week. That sounds very nice.
I know you’re going to miss your lovely mam but remember Stephen she will always be with you and waiting for you to return to greet you in her chair with her beautiful smile.
Moments can make you sad and lonely it’s an on going journey this grief. It takes time and energy to work our way through.
Your car sounds like it’s going alright especially as you cleaned it spending time on the details.
That too can really help they are constructive actions. They really help you to focus away from grief for a little bit. It’s very good as part of our grief recovery to keep repairing our hearts from the loss of our mams/mums.
I think when you mention about the work you do with the museum and the setting up of the Roman artefacts and a likes. It shows you have great care and commitment and I am sure you are very much appreciated working there and are a real asset 
.
Yes, I have been trying to keep being out n about. A load of events pop up around September.
I finished the Summer Reading Challenge. Good fun although the last day on Saturday was a little quiet. Saturday I went round to see some more open days at two local theatres. Complete behind the scenes tours for set design, props, costumes, sound and lighting. All with spaces for volunteering including front of house opportunities. They want actors too but.. I prefer the work behind the scenes more.
Also I looked into more help with reading/mentoring, so will take that up (that is local and just a few hours a week). But it’s something I really enjoy. Take care Stephen sending you my warmest wishes have a lovely afternoon. Wuu
Good afternoon Wuu.
Thank you for your reply. Your words about mam were very lovely to hear. I will take the 2 keyrings and a 6 x 4 photo of me and mam to stand up in the hotel bedroom. Plus as you said, mam’s lovely face and smile on her cushion when I return on Friday.
I have been a bit down today because when we went away I also got all mam’s things together plus her medication which was about 15 items and thinking of not doing it for mam made me cry a bit. Also I keep thinking I might have forgotten something, but I am still thinking I need to take all mam’s things which in reality I know i don’t.
Thank you as well for your kind words about how I am valued by the museum.
Theatre open days sound lovely. It is good being able to look behind the scenes minus an audience. I wouldn’t want to act either. I know i used to stand in front of classes, parents and assemblies, but i am not an extrovert. Acting makes me feel so nervous and uncomfortable. Plus it is good to hear that you are looking into more reading mentoring. You are keeping yourself very busy Wuu, which is a good thing to hear.
Your mum was and is very proud of you. I know you both gave up your time to different events in the community and here you are Wuu, carrying that torch even further for your mum and you.
Sending you all my blessings and best wishes. Stephen.