My mum passed away in September 2023 after a short and awful cancer diagnosis - She had just turned 72. She only got diagnosed April 2023 after being misdiagnosed at Doctors. It was traumatic and painful for her - she fought not to die, she didn’t want to and was in denial until it happened. She didn’t seem to be at peace at all.
She had some awful treatment in the hospital, and i spent a lot of last summer with her. Some of the experiences i saw and she told me about is so upsetting.
She spent her last 7 days in a hospice, her care there was exemplary however it brought its own trauma. I spent all 7 nights with her and held her hand as she passed. I was very strong at that time. But looking back it takes my bestie away.
I don’t live near my family and they are quite needy - mum was the rock of the family. My father was with my mother for 56 years, married 52 and most likely is autistic. He is no support to me or any of the family really, never has been and expects everyone to meet his needs - will not seek support beyond his children. My older sister can be horrible to me and everyone, she calls me to off load her upset and is a very angry person - we think she may have borderline personality disorder. My brother has serious mental health issues and his focus is his family.
I have a husband and child but my husband is not supportive in regards to listening to my grief. He believes i should just get on with things and that talking doesn’t help. My friends all are lovely but i’m at the age (early forties) where family life is the focus for them - they give or have little actual time to me.
I have contacted Cruse but on a waiting list.
I constantly feel sad, i put on a face, am functioning in regards to work, getting up, being a mum etc. But i just can believe my mum gone. I feel physically sick when i think about her being gone. I can’t seem to be able to process what has happened and feel i’m living in a bubble on my own.
Has anyone got any ideas how to start living again? I know it’s early days. I missing her beyond words, i never knew your heart could literally feel broken.
I know i lost my mum in September last year too. She passed away from sepsis the hospital didn’t really do much and tell us much. She was in hospital in January for a month with high calcium and then they did other test and some of them twice because they didn’t do it right. Then they didn’t really tell us much at all. Then they said she had cancer in July and they were going to start treatment but kept putting it back a few weeks.
@AnneO i am so sorry for your loss. I can empathise with you. My mom died on 30th August 2023. She had been ill for a few months, seen various Dr’s & consultants. No one really got to the bottom of it all. She went into hospital on 18th August and only had a CT scan the night before she died.
We were told that she had terminal ovarian cancer and 2 hours later she died. It was so traumatic and horrific.
I hope that you can get some counselling soon. Have you spoken to your GP? Keep talking on here. It does help as we understand. You can also talk to macmillan as well.
It is hard to process. Part of my processing is that we have all my moms medical records and I will be making a complaint and letting them know they failed and I hope that someone else doesn’t got through this.
Sending you lots of love.
Hello anne, the only way to start living again is to not dwell in the past nor the future. Dwelling in the past will invite depression, whereas dwelling in the future will invite anxiety. This doesn’t mean forgetting our mums; it means we need to avoid getting stuck in the memories and flashbacks. We do this by living in the moment. It isn’t easy when our pain is so fresh and raw but in time we will grow stronger mentally to have the courage to let go. Mental strength isn’t so much about carrying on when times are rough, but acceptance and letting go of our denials and guilts. My heart goes out to you.
It’s very damaging when family move on and your grief can’t be shared with those who should be there for you. I am a year further on and have dealt with my father’s refusal to talk about Mum by just shutting down my expectations and dealing with him on a new basis.
I have had some counselling and it can be good to express your feelings but it stirs up old wounds and issues. Journalling helps some people. The loneliness is what makes life seem empty. If you can find kind people who have experienced loss they can be the best company. Understanding is important. It is only because you have had something good that you miss it so much. Some people just don’t seem to love that deeply or miss people as much. It means your Mum was great that you feel her loss so much. I hope you find some comfort. You can ring Cruse and other helplines when you feel urgent need of someone to talk to. Sending love
Hi @AnneO I am sorry for your struggles with grief, it’s so hard to manage the loss of a loved one. Practically speaking, these are things that have helped me in the year since losing my Mum…
Getting outside everyday, walking and noticing seasonal changes.
Creating a tribute flower pot for my Mum and changing the plants seasonally.
Framing a special photo and placing it alongside a candle and a vase. This is on view in my living room.
Looking at photos, sharing my thoughts in an ongoing journal.
Reading various books on grief, poetry, advice and guidance.
Marking anniversary days with a special meal and raising a glass in memory.
Going to places that my Mum loved.
These practical things, some very simple, have brought me some comfort. That’s what it’s about, being able to move forwards and manage the grief. I’m not saying it’s easy. My motivation for life has declined considerably and I have felt sad and stressed overall. However, in time I want to be open to new opportunities and feeling something other than sorrow. A choice has to be made and I am trying to go forward. Sending you best wishes xx
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