Hello there, I lost my husband almost two years ago, we were married for nearly 30 years. After he died I didn’t know how I would manage on my own - we had time to prepare and talked endlessly in the days leading up to his death. He was my best friend and a wonderful husband. He told me that he knew I’d be ok and that I was very strong even if I didn’t know it. He said he felt so loved and was at peace with dying but just hated leaving me and our (then) 17 year old son. We have managed well and had the support of brilliant friends and family - my son is now at university. My husband would have been so so proud of him. I am fortunate that I have a lovely family and friends but I was at home this evening feeling lonely as I often am and came across this site. It was lovely seeing the reassuring messages. When my husband first died, a much older person told me that I should accept invitations from people when they asked (even if I felt like a gooseberry) because if I didn’t people would stop asking. I think that was the best advice and that’s what I did. I forced myself to do things - I don’t know how we managed with that first Christmas and then our sons 18th but we did and now 21 months later I am actually enjoying things again and not just forcing myself - it’s still hard though and I miss him so much. People think I’m doing fine because that’s what I tell them and I guess I am but I still miss my husband so much - I just wanted to share this with others that will understand
Hi Jen…having the chance to say goodbye even though we dont want to can leave little unsaid and can bring us comfort …reading your post it sounds like those moments with your husband was very speacial. I think you are right when you say say yes to invites even though our hearts shout out no …I found myself in a similar position last week while my heart was shouting no …at the thought of not having my husband at my side …my head was telling me yes go …I was glad I said yes …of course it’s not the same and never will be …but I did enjoy …I did enjoy seeing family …sounds like your husband was right about your strengh sending warm wishes to you on this hard journey we find ourselves on
Thanks for your message Bab. It sounds like you are going through a difficult time too. I am not into online chats and don’t ever engage in social media but last night I just felt I wanted to say how I was feeling and it was lovely being able to share my feelings with others in a similar position. Yes, I am very fortunate that we could say our goodbyes. I just feel I should be ok by now but I still miss the closeness of our relationship so much and think I always will. I couldn’t sleep last night which was why I found this site and I’m pleased I did. I am so pleased you are managing to do things with family and also accept invites - it definitely helped me. There is still a long way to go for me but hopefully we’ll both get there eventually. Sending you warm wishes and thanks again for your message x
One of the key things about this site Jen is that our stories are all very similar …our emotions are ones that others who have been through similar or same situations can also identify with …giving us a sense of unity in this challenging place we have all found ourselves in …all together we can do this …
I wish I’d found this site earlier Bab - it’s so lovely being able to communicate with others in a similar position. I’ve never told my family and friends how lonely I still feel as I don’t want them worrying and there isn’t really anything anyone can do - I can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely without my husband. It’s nice to be able to speak about it and already I don’t feel so alone. Like some others I also have a dog and she is a great companion - she is 14 now though and although still fit and healthy, I realise that’s another loss I’ve got coming at some point - hopefully not for a while yet though x
I’m glad you found some comfort from this site …and yes it does make you feel less alone when you know so many others have gone through the same or similar thing …I dont truly believe that anyone who hasn’t been through loss understand the affect that loss has on someone …it shatters the world as we had known it …but hopefully given time and understanding our worlds can be rebuilt even though our losses will always remain a part of it…take care
Hello Jen. I kinda know where you’re coming from. It’s been three years for me when my husband died suddenly with no prior warning, no illness. But, like you, here I am, still living and yes, dare I say, enjoying life to some extent. It is hard though. Friends and family, colleagues, all think I’m fine but they don’t see the hidden pain. It won’t ever go but I except that and actually, I don’t want it to go. This last week, with the evenings being so warm, I have sat in the garden until dusk, just listening to the silence. It’s times like these when I feel my husband closer than ever. I can almost feel his breath on my skin. Home is where I like to be most of all as he is all around. We find our coping strategies, don’t we Jen? Well done you for accepting invitations. I struggle with that. I have been to a couple of family parties and a wedding but I’ve turned down some too. It’s almost unbearable when there are so many couples at these things. It can reinforce that we are alone. I miss being a couple but most of all I miss being with David. He loved life, he thrived on it. Always
smiling, laughing. I’m smiling now just thinking about him. I feel so proud that I was, am, married to the rarest soul on earth. I’m glad you’ve found this site Jen. Stick around. I feel sure you’ll have much to offer. Sending love xx
Hi Kate, I think I know exactly how you feel. I also feel Andy is all around me. We have always enjoyed watching the birds and the wild life in the garden and I just sit on my own sometimes thinking of him - during the time he was ill he got so much pleasure sitting watching the birds. I also know what you mean about family parties - the first one I went to on my own was my sisters 60th, I was surrounded by my very large extended family and also had my son with me but I had never felt more alone. I have forced myself to accept invites and that does get easier but living without Andy is still so hard. Like David, he was always so full of life and always made people laugh - I know it’s a daft thing to say but I do really feel we were two halves of a whole and I also miss being part of a couple. It sounds like you had a lovely life with David - thankyou so much for sharing your thoughts with me. I am enjoying thinking and smiling about Andy while I write this. It must have been so hard for you losing David so suddenly - my heart goes out to you … long may we enjoy the memories. Take care xx
Thanks Bab, I cannot tell you how lovely it’s been sharing these few messages with you today. I do think you need to go through it yourself to truly understand. I lost my dad a year to the day before losing Andy and I loved my dad so much and that was hard but I had no idea of the pain and loneliness that was to come after losing Andy. I try and look in the positives though and have a good job that keeps me busy and friends and family. Hopefully I’ll be able to provide some comfort for others at some point - I was so low when I posted last night but feel much better today now. Take care xx
Enjoyed our chat to …
I can really understand how you feel . I was lucky by comparison as we were married almost 50 years . Yes you are doing well as I am on the surface 11 months on .
Can’t help feeling sad though a lot of the time . You still have a son growing up,without his dad . At least our 4 children are grown up and married with families of their own . Having said that there is no good time to lose a husband . I have close friends who,still have their husbands . They are all very kind to me but sometimes feel like a gooseberry . Lockdown has been very hard for all of us who live alone .
I know how you feel Susan - it’s so difficult going out with couples. One of our closest friends as a couple I’ve still not gone out with them yet - just can’t seem to bring myself to. We keep saying we must get together but I doubt we will. I’m fortunate that I have colleagues and friends and family though and even though my son is young he’s also got lots of good friends. Sounds like you’ve got a lovely family around you. It’s just hard isn’t it as no matter what I do I end up thinking how much Andy would have enjoyed it. I used to enjoy golf and we played together as well as with others - I’ve got no interest in that now. I’ve only played once since I’ve been on my own … maybe one day I will. Hopefully in time you will find it easier going out with couples, I do much more now, especially with one couple but it was hard at first - it’s a been a little longer for me but don’t forget to always accept an invitation - it will get easier. As you say lockdown hasn’t helped . Take care of yourself xx
Hello Jen, I lost my husband of 30 years last November, I know exactly what you mean about people thinking you are fine, I am completely fine in front of people most of the time, I even feel fine but then something will remind me of him and I feel really overwhelmed with sadness and disbelief that this has actually happened. I still think he will walk back in one day. He was diagnosed last January and died in November, he put all his affairs in order and made sure I knew what i was doing with the house and the two properties that we rent but we never actually talked about what was happening to him and I really regret that. I don’t think either of us really accepted that he was dying, me because he was such a strong person and I just didn’t believe he would be taken away even though the doctors made it pretty clear there wasn’t much hope but I still thought, naively, that he would be one of the ones that recover against all odds and think he really just didn’t want to acknowledge it either so suppose we just buried our heads in the sand. He did so well until the end of October and we carried on pretty much as normal until he very quickly became very ill and died a few weeks later. I wish we had both said the things we should have done, we were together for 40 years, 10 before we were married so had grown up together really. I also have a lovely family and friends but feel like whatever I do there is a massive hole as he isn’t there and i really miss him I really try, as you say, to accept invitations and have been seeing a lot of friends and having meals but its just not the same. My two sons have come to terms with it pretty well but feel for them not having their dad. I have felt very safe over lockdown, it stopped people trying to make me do things I didn;t feel ready to be doing and also stopped me feeling like the only one that was going through massive changes as everyone’s life has been turned upside down. I think i am doing so well and then I will have a really bad day but guess it will always be like this as everything I have done in my life I did with him. I just wanted to say hello as your story reminded me of mine. Take care and stay strong
Cathy x
Thanks for your message Cathy. So much of what you said is how we felt - we tried to carry on as normal and it wasn’t until 10 days before Andy died that we really accepted it - couldn’t really not as we were told it was going to be weeks - we were devastated. The worst thing was telling our son and close family and friends. We really did make the most of those last days though and only then really accepted it. Andy was so strong and we were fortunate that he only became really ill the last 24 hours. It’s been so comforting hearing from others who are in the same situation as us. It’s so hard isn’t it Cathy, but I guess we are also lucky that we had such good marriages for so long - some people never have that. I’ll never stop missing him and like you I feel so sorry for my son, but once again feel fortunate that I have our son - he’s the reason I stay positive … I think I do a good job appearing I’m ok. So nice to be able to share my thoughts with others on this site. Sending you my best wishes and thank you so much for getting in touch xx
Me too. Found SueRyder bc I couldn’t get back to sleep. At 3am. But so glad I did. I am longing to speak to someone about this awful pain.
HI Eliza
I am sorry that you are suffering so much and that your kids are going through this so young, mine were 23 and 25 when they lost their dad and although its been tough for them, it must be harder for yours being so young. i do feel for you. Mine have both split with their long term girlfriends over this year probably related to losing their dad and we also lost lovely old dog die a few weeks after my husband . it has just been a year of sadness and loss. Some days i am just overwhelmed by it all and want to cry and cant accept that he isn’t coming back or that any of it really happened, but other days I am fine and i seem to be able to cope really well on the outside anyway. I don’t know what to say to make you feel any better only that you aren’t on your own, everyone on here is going through the same kind of thing and there seems to always be someone to talk to. I find I have to keep busy, I cant sit around thinking about it or I get really down, Cancer is an awful illness and to watch someone fade away like we have is just unbearable. it breaks my heart to think of the last few weeks and how ill he became and am sure it was the same for you. its not easy to think about the future as its not going to be what we planned so I don’t and just get through each day.
I go on here sometimes, it helps to read that other people are feeling the way you are and have found that there is always someone who will chat to you. Look after yourself and message me if you want to .
Cathy xxx
Thanks Cathy. My husband tooo died of cancer, it had spread so quickly. My 2 children, now 12 +13 have really suffered esp my boy, who absolutely doted on his Daddy.
Like you I just carry on, as a house Mummy, I fortunately didn’t have to rush bk to work like most ppl I know have to. So worried about the future + though finances okay for now, want to get work, but current climate of course is not conducive to that. My church friends + my hubby vs family have been great. But don’t you just feel so alone most of the time¿ With all those crazy feelings at large. You dare not let them loose! Don’t recognize myself since he died 1year ago
Hi Eliza
I am so sorry to hear how much you are suffering - it
must be so hard with two young children. I am so pleased you sound as if you’ve got a lot of support around you, that really does make such a difference. Like you though sometimes I struggle to sleep, but it does get a little easier as time goes on. I found that I just forced myself to be as strong as I could for my son even though I didn’t feel it and gradually I find I don’t have to pretend as much and I have started to feel stronger. It’s been nearly two years for me now and I still miss Andy so much. Just take one day at a time. Sometimes I’m so sad that I can’t share good news about my son anymore with my husband so I just light a candle look at his photo and tell him anyway … I know it’s daft but I find it works for me sometimes. My heart goes out to you, take care xx
Hi Eliza
Yes you do feel very alone whatever you do . I do get invited to see friends or to go out but when i do it always feels like a big hole is there and nothing is right. We were together since we were 16 so have done everything with him. I dont think i could go out with the couples we used to see as that would be too hard . Everything is different and its like you are living a different life which i suppose we are, we didn’t expect to be in this position and expect you are younger than me and it must be so hard with younger children and watching them suffer. My work colleagues have helped me so much, they were in touch with me all of time when i was off work and through his illness and have been so supportive and although i am having to work at home during the pandemic we are in touch all the time and it does keep me going having my job to do, it might help you to find a job even if its not what you would normally do, it might help you to get out for a bit while the kids are at school so you aren’t at home thinking, but you are right its not a good time to be finding a job at the moment . I have had a house to renovate too, my husband didn’t want his payout from work to sit in the bank so he bought the house so that we could rent it and i would have another income so that has also kept me sane. I have spent so many hours decorating , tiling, grouting, things i would never have normally attempted and absolutely dreaded but has turned out i have enjoyed it I just need to keep busy, i dont know if you are the same, if i let myself stop then i think too much but guess i will have to slow down eventually. Like the other lady said, it hurts when something happens that you want to tell your partner especially about the kids and you cant, i often think , “oh i must tell Glyn that when i get home” then it hits me all over again that i cant. I had his ashes interned at the cemetery and have a stone so i do sit there sometimes and tell him things. I hate to think my boys will get married and have kids that he will never see but do my very best not to torture myself with those kind of thoughts. It is what it is and cant be changed and there are so many people in the same position. but it is so very hard to learn to live a new life. I guess we do have to just take it a day at a time
take care
Cathy xxxx
Hi Cathy
Thank you for those wise words. The6 helped.
Take care of yourself,
Ann