missing...

Today was day 6 after loosing my partner and it feels like loosing me. Still i jut sit quiet and still no tears just a deep empty sad. i miss him ilook at the clock and think what we would do now at that time i have had netflix on continually playing any series after series so as not to recognise christmas at all just time my day by a usual day so about 5.30 we would be coming home together from work workied and lived in the same town…the thick fog that sits in my head even settles in front my eyes i turn down any company or offers to talk im so very afraid to break becuse hes not there,he fixed me and i miss him it was too soon,too quick and too young just 49 im not ready for this…

I don’ know if any of us can say anything to make you feel better. I lost my darling husband suddenly and unexpectedly in May - no warning no illness just gone. I miss him all the time but whilst I am not sure if I really accept it I am coping. Heartbroken is the only way to describe it. A big empty feeling somewhere in the middle. I wrote lists - silly mundane lists of things I needed to do. People said baby steps - do a little each day. Write to him in a journal - as if you are talking to him. And talk to him too, I am so sorry for your loss and how you are feeling. We have been there and are still dealing with our loss but 8 months on it is easier - it will never be right but it is easier. Talk on here - it helps. xxx

Paula, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 35years in July, all of a sudden without warning. He was 60and I am 54. We have no children. I too found myself making lists to keep busy but for practically reasons. There was no service because he never wanted one, just like he did not want to be kept alive if it meant that he would be a vegetable. I wanted the surgeon to do a craniotomy to relieve the pressure in his brain but they said he would never be the same and would be confined to a bed for the rest of his life and I knew that he would hate me for the rest of his life if he was like that, I would see it in his eyes if he was able to see at all. I had to watch him go over two days until he was declared brain dead. He was my best friend and soulmate. We did every thing together for 35years. We amazing adventures and vacations. We cared for our parents and family until they died. We laughed and cried together over a miscarriage and job losses. But we made it through, like the wedding vows we made to each other. I have good days and bad ones. I’m angry at him and sometimes I feel o.k. being alone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no timetable. My GP put me on a antianxiety medication that also is for depression. There were days when I could not get out of bed. I still feel depressed but I am able to work and not want to cry when someone says his name. I managed not to cry on Christmas. Sorry for going on and on, I just wanted to let you know that you can get through this. It may take a while but you can do it. This website has been a godsend for me. With care, Barbara

Paula, find new routines and people to spend time with when you had daily routines with your partner. I’m not saying that it will be easy. Every time my phone buzzes I still expect it to be a text from my husband. Stay strong and lean on your family and friends. Barbara

Dear Barbara
My husband was only 60 too - I am three years older than him so he was my toy boy - well for the first 20 years. We were together for over 40. I am thankfully finding work my saviour and my two adult children who are very supportive - but there are big empty spaces in my life and dont think I will every stop missing him, I kept his phone number - still paying for it - but for a while I continued to send him texts. The children would think me totally batty - and to be honest I probably am - but we all do what we can to get through this. I too am finding new routines - filling my days as best I can. Never planning more than a couple of days in advance. That though is progress - I was originally just ticking things off my list. If I have a bad day - I go back to the lists again. I do feel it is still an existence rather than life. I have made new friends, my garden looks better than it ever has - if I want something new I buy it - I just do the best I can. Sadly there are so many of us. I was out with a group of six other ladies -and four of us have lost our partners. The other three have been married to absolute horrors so are now on their own. I at least had a wonderful man for forty years who did not leave me by choice. Take care Trisha xxx

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Hello, Trisha,
Thank God for wonderful men, Stan was a very ordinary down to earth bloke. He would do anything for anybody, a kind and gentle soul who lived for his family, I miss him so much but I feel greedy that 59 years were not long enough. I look at some of the ages of people who post here and I realise how very fortunate we were, I am not being smug, I thank God for all our years together.
MaryL

Dear Mary
We are not smug we are grateful- and no matter how long we were lucky enough to have them it would never be long enough. Nothing prepares us for this- I think we all believe that we will go together. Realistically we know that is not so - but we choose to shut it out. It is only when it happens you realise that we are many. Take care xxx

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