Mixed emotions

I lost my wife in January after a long illness. Life has been hard the last two years in and out of hospital been told to expect the worst twice in six months. And then died in January when I was not expecting it. I feel glad that her suffering is over and guilty for feeling glad that its all over and sad all at the same time. Now trying to get on with my life back to work. But when you get back home and lock the door it all comes back cud I have done things differently. I know that she was not going to see old age but it is still hard to cope with.

Hi Kev. Thanks for visiting the community and sharing your story.

Guilt is one of the most confusing/frustrating feelings during a time like this, but it’s very common and completely understandable. You don’t want your loved ones to ever suffer, so I can see why there’s almost a sense of relief…

I’m sure you did everything right, and that your wife was grateful for everything you did. I think it’s natural that you think things over and over, and hindsight is a wonderful thing, but focusing on the future (and remembering and celebrating your wife) is probably a much healthier thing to do :slight_smile:

Have you had a read of some of the other comments throughout the community here? There’s some really good advice from other people who have been through similar situations losing loved ones, so you might find it comforting or helpful to hear their stories.

Thanks Kev.

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Have just joined sue ryder having heard of this new service only yesterday. I know all about that feeling when you lock the door. Its 14 months since I lost my husband and things are getting easier. Hang in there, the old saying about "one day at a time"really is true.

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Hi Kev
I just joined last night after my friend heard someone on Telly the other day. She said what the girl said sounded like it was me talking about my feelings and my friend asked me to look up Sue Ryder and join as my husband passed away 8 weeks ago and I’m finding it extremely hard to cope. I go to work and meet people and talk to them but it’s a robotic existence, it’s not me, the person I used to be. I dread coming home to the loneliness. First thing I do is go up to his picture and give him a hug and talk to him. Still can’t sit downstairs or watch telly in the evenings, it’s just too lonely. I look at my husband’s picture taken 4 days before he passed away and part of me accepts he suffered too much and couldn’t enjoy any form of life and I’m pleased he’s at peace, but the selfish lonely part of me wishes he was still here with me. We were very close and didn’t want any help although it was offered he was happy for me to look after him as in the end he couldn’t do anything for himself and I’d have gladly carried on for another 100 years if I had to. I am riddled with guilt wondering if I could have tried doing things differently would it have made a difference perhaps given him another few more months. I question myself a million times a day. Life seems very bleak and pointless at the moment right now but people keep telling me things will get better, it’s early days yet. I can’t believe I’ve managed to survive 8 weeks!

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Hi Libby
I have just joined this morning after I saw it on TV yesterday. I know exactly what you mean by a robotic existence. Work and sleep is all I do. Just started going for a swim on a Sunday afternoon and then will go and have a pint before I get the bus home. It’s very strange siting in the pub by myself but it gets me out of the house and I see people not that I talk to anyone. It also fills the afternoon in. Still think of my wife every day we were married 26 years and been going out since school. I am forcing my self to go out and about or I will sit in the house and get myself upset. Still early days I hope it will get better.

Dear Kev,

I am so sorry that you have suffered this loss and how much you’ve been through over the last two years.

You are bound to experience a huge range of emotions, and although you shouldn’t feel guilty in the least you will. As humans we punish ourselves with what ifs and as you say, “could I have done things differently” but in the end you did your best and you loved her. You are doing so well, being able to write about your feelings, going back to work and getting on with life. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Keep moving forward, and one day when you get home and close the door the memories will still be with you but they won’t hurt so much.

Take care of you.

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My husband died very suddenly at Easter when we had assumed that the cancer would be a long haul. He was afraid of a long, lingering death and was spared that. I, too, feel that I was spared watching him suffer. I don’t spend too much time at home alone but am doing everything I can to get out and keep busy while I deal with the pain.

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It is now 16 months since my wife passed away and life has changed at lot. Been on the sick for 9 months as I hurt my back sat in the house by my self day after day that was hard. Lost my job because of my back. But now have a new lady friend been seen her for 6 weeks now and am trying to get a new job. I feel there is light at the end of the tunnel now. Things just happen u can’t do anything about u just have to make the best. Met my new friend by chance was not looking it just happened.
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Hi Kev,

Thanks for coming back and for letting us know how you are getting on - it is nice to hear from you. It sounds as though things have been really tough but I am so glad that you can see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is lovely to hear that you have met a new lady friend - although it was unexpected, it sounds as though it is something really positive for you.

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