More lonely than ever.

I have been reading all the recent posts on the forum and my heart aches for you all. I lost my husband of 47 years, four years ago this month on the 30th August and life for me has never been the same. I honestly thought that one day there would be light at the end of the tunnel, but so far there hasn’t been, in fact it is getting worse. I live in the past because the present is not worth living and the future I can’t bear to think about.

When you are grieving you need all the support you can get, not for a few weeks, but until you feel as if you can start to think straight again, but in my case family, neighbours and friends, vanished after a few weeks, and it started soon after my husband’s funeral. I got fed up of everyone expecting me to get back to normal and start to enjoy my life again, are they living in cloud cuckoo land, what is normal after you lose your partner, how can you enjoy your life ever again and then comes the dreaded words, ‘you have to move on’. Under my breath I used to think of some disgusting words to say what they could do with their advice.

Our family, I have two sons, don’t seem to give a darn about me now and I don’t think this has helped at all. They have moved on with their lives totally. Since his dad’s death our younger son has bought a lovely home, got married and then had a baby and it was heartbreaking that his dad was not there to see it. Our other son has got divorced.

I was ill all last week, and I could not get out of bed to even find a spot in the house to find a wi-fi signal to let them know I was poorly, where I live the signal is atrocious, so I must get a landline in. The sad thing is, they never rang me to see why I had not been in touch. I received a text this morning asking me to childmind our granddaughter for two days this week. I told our son I was not well enough and told him I had been ill all last week and all he said, well she won’t be much bother.

I no longer see our other two grandsons owing to problems with our other son’s ex.

Perhaps this is why after four years without my husband, I am still grieving for the life I used to have, for the future I thought we would have together, but to be honest, things are not going to change, our divorced son is talking about emigrating somewhere or another.

The conclusion I have arrived at is that as long as you have family and friends to be there for you, you will manage to survive this terrible heartache you are going through
and in time, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, it may take months or even years, but you will see it, but for many of us without people to be here for us, we will grieve forever as life as we knew it is over and all we have left are our memories of what used to be.

I hope with all my heart that you all have people to care for you and stand by you because you are going to need all the love and support that you can get during this nightmare you are going through.

Love

Sheila xx

You are having a very hard time and the longer it goes on the more difficult it becomes.
You sound very lonely, that in itself is hard to cope with, but add grief and the isolation from you family, it must be almost unbearable for you at times.
Perhaps Sheila after four years you might get some support off your doctor to guide you somewhere that might help you ease your terribly painful grief and give you the opportunity to talk with either a counsellor or a group dealing with bereavement.
I know when my husband died a few months ago my surgery sent me a list of support around my area.
I’m wishing you well as soon as you are able.

Dear Gogs.

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate what you are saying, but it is not depression or medication I need, it is my husband. I do go out with friends, but like I say, they still have their partners and I am always the odd one out with nothing to contribute to the conversation when they talk about their husbands and what they are doing together. I have other friends, my age, who have lost their husbands 15 to 20 years ago and they are also still grieving because their life has never been the same since they lost their soul mates and all they do is play bowls, go to church meetings but that is not me. Even though I am in my late 70’s I am still 21 years old in my head, I love 60’s music I play it all the time, I love rock -n- roll, I can still jive, I was a 1960’s teenager and met my boyfriend who became my husband of 47 years at the Mecca Locarno dance hall.

When you have been with someone from 18 years of age and have spent most of your life with them, then nothing is ever going to be right again, you lose your identity, you are no longer married, but you consider yourself still married, you still love your husband even though he has gone, your days are never going to be the same, the future is never going to be the same and because you are nearing your 80’s, there is not much of your life left anyway. If I could have one wish it would be to go back to 1964, meet my husband to be and do it all over again.

I still buy clothes, shoes, handbags, jewellery and makeup, I still get dressed up to go out, but it is not having my husband with me that hurt’s so much and I will never, ever get over losing him, he was my life.

Thank you,

Sheila xx

Sounds like you’re doing the best you can.
I was married 58 years and like you have never known a life on my own.
This is a world I’ve yet to get to know.
Keep jiving Sheila!!!
xx

Dear Gogs, I am so very sorry for your recent loss, I also read your profile and am again sorry for what you went through with your husband, even though you loved him.

I am one of the lucky ones, 47 years married to the man of my dreams, loved from the first to the last. Not many people get that and I thank God for him. I think I get upset with our son’s because they act now as if he never existed and he did, he was the best dad and granddad they could have had. I know I must let them get on with their own lives, but just once in a while, I would like them to visit me when they don’t want anything from me, I have yet to experience a visit to see me just for me. I have thought of selling up and moving a long way away from them, but my home is where we spent all our lives together, raised our children, and my home is my haven, my safe place.

Love

Sheila xx

Hi Sheila

Just read this and just wanted to say how sad I am for you. Another horrible anniversary coming up so I can understand why it all feels so miserable. I am sorry also that you have not been well, adds to the feeling even more.

I agree about people forgetting all too quickly. All the people who offered help when Mum was ill (and strangely never made any concrete offer) and have now faded away since her loss. Yet others were quietly there. I remember one neighbour knocking with half a dozen little cakes her young daughters had made for us. Mum wasn’t eating much but managed a bite out of one of them. It was such a small thing but such a lovely thought. She was a true friend to me and kept me sane whilst I was houseclearing. Sadly not close enough to see her regularly now but I know I could turn up on the doorstep unannounced if I wanted to.

I have no words of advice but want you to know you are special and have helped so many people on here, me included. Would that we could all get together somewhere and have a mad session jiving our hearts out!

Mel
Xx

Dear Mel, Thank you so much for your lovely comments. I am a bit down at the moment because of Peters anniversary coming up and not now seeing our grandsons, it is as if they have also vanished from my life but our son’s don’t seem to think that it has upset me.

I will be okay, I have to be okay. Just to get next week out of the way so I can carry on until the next anniversary pops up, our wedding one in September, it is never ending, all these anniversaries coming along and knocking you down again and again.

I have our granddaughter here today for two days, so that is company for me. That was the first time I had heard from our son’s in nearly 9 days when he sent me a text asking me to look after her. We are going out tomorrow, we have baked a cake this morning, made some bread, had lunch and now she is on her laptop for an hour then we are going to ice the cake, make some popcorn and candyfloss. I bought all the machines for them so they could do things when they came to see me.

How is your chocolate teapot going on, causing havoc or have things calmed down.

Love

Sheila xx

Dear Sheila,
Thank you.
I hope things begin to ease for you and that your boys will hopefully realise that their mother needs them - if only now and then
Gogs xx

Hello Sheila, just a note to thank you for your last reply on another thread. It was thoughtful as always. I’m sorry you are having a down period and I really identify with some of your comments above. I can believe you’ll wish your Son all the best if he emigrated albeit with great sorrow - but I hope he changes his mind. Keep going as best you can.

Dear Tina,

Thank you so much for your kind words.

He is a man of 48 and can do as he pleases, but I think it is all talk, he would never, ever leave his daughter to go and live on the opposite side of the world. Not in a million years. I think he is going through a mid life crisis, divorced and living the single life, buying sports cars.

As angry as I am with them both, they are my sons and I love them, but they are not too old at 45 and 48 for a clip around the ears, if I stand on some steps. I still hold all the aces, as I will change my will and leave everything to an animal shelter if they don’t behave themselves.

Love

Sheila xx

Hi Sheila

A cold wet Sunday of the bank holiday and feels so miserable. I hope your grand daughter had a good time with you. Making cakes and icing them with Granny sounds brilliant to me. I remember staying with my Granny as a child and having a super week with her. She was very deaf however so there wasn’t much conversation!

The Chocolate Teapot still lurks in the background. She cannot believe that she is no longer able to control my movements. Is currently having a huff because she wants to come and stay with me while her house is painted. She said it would make things so much easier for the decorator. I told her it wasn’t convenient however easy it would make the decorator’s life.

I spent a happy morning foraging for blackberries, found some fallen apples too. I have made a huge crumble which will keep me in puddings for days. I got soaked to the skin so am debating the merits of a mustard bath later!

I hope your weekend is going alright

Mel
Xx

Dear Mel,

Well done you for sticking up for yourself, she now knows you will not be walked over. It does get easier once you put your foot down.

How are you coping on your own, is it two years since your mum died or longer, time seems to have flown by and it seems like yesterday you were thinking of getting a new house and having problems with the chocolate teapot.

I have lost track of a lot of things, days are never ending, there is no difference between the weekdays and the weekends or bank holidays, everything just runs into each other. I have had to hang a calendar up, the first time ever, to write things down otherwise I forget. Sometimes I have no idea what day it is, my mind and memory are top notch but the days are all the same, there is nothing to differentiate between them, especially when no one visits for a while.

I have also been sticking up for myself and decided to send both our son’s email’s because they had not been in touch with me for ages, no text, no telephone calls, even when I rang them it went to voicemail and they never returned my calls. So I told them that I am not a hotel nor am I a child minding service and I object to them only texting me when they want to stay over at the weekend, whilst they go out on the town drinking, or bringing our grandchildren to stay for a few days, and if they can’t visit me just for me then they can stay away and pay for hotels at the weekend and pay for childcare. I have never minded, looking after our grandchildren, I loved having them and they loved coming, but it was upsetting to know that if I didn’t look after them I would never see anyone at all. Anyhow, they have taken the hint. Sadly I no longer see our two grandsons as our Mark’s ex is playing silly beggars so I have not only lost Peter I have now lost my grandchildren.

I also was busy last week. It was the Macmillan afternoon tea at our Friendship group and I baked three cakes, Chocolate, Coffee Walnut and Carrot for the cake stall and took some brand new leather handbags I have never used since Peter died and also some jewellery to sell on their stall. They will let us know next month how much we raised.

Our Mark brought our youngest grandson to see me today, he is 7 months old and gorgeous. He also brought me a lovely bunch of flowers and a Thinking of you card as it will be four years next Thursday since Peter died, so I think the email has sunk in.

I am still grieving for Peter, I just cannot seem to move on, the pain has softened around the edges, but the ache is still there whenever I think of him, which is all of the time. Since the day he died life has never been the same, it is now just an existence, getting through one day after another. I go out with friends for a meal, I go out shopping but there is no joy in anything since he died, everything seems so flat, it is as if the light went out of me when he died.

Please keep in touch,

Love

Sheila xx

Hi,I have just read your post,and my heart goes out for you. Like you i am not the same person since losing my Mum,almost coming up to a year ago. My life was my Mum. I am a lone parent to my 12 year old son,and it is just me and him. On top of this i have been ill for 6 years now,and i am unable to work,on medication,and everyday petrified of the future without my Mum. I have little family. seeing a counsellor helps,but that is coming to an end soon. And then the dreaded words from my Mum’s brother ‘‘you should be over it by now.’’ Who has shown no real support really or understanding. I just get through each hour. Life now is just not how it used to be. So awful. I hope in time,you start to feel a bit better,i would write a letter to your sons,asking them for some support. Lucy xxx

Dear Lucy,

Thank you so much for your lovely reply and I am so very sorry about your mum. When my dad died when I was 25, the year after he gave me away at my wedding to Peter, I had Peter to put his arms around me and tell me that everything would be okay. It was eventually okay, I grieved for my dad but because I had Peter, nothing seemed as bad as it could have been and gradually the grieving turned to acceptance that he had gone and I would never see him again. Then along came our children, that brought back the tears that had stopped because my dad would never see them.

You are in a way, on your own, your mum has gone and you have a young son to look after and you are also not well. Grieving can go on for months and even years as I have found out myself, four years next week and I still cry for my husband. Your uncle
and many people like him have no idea what it is like to have loved someone with all their heart and soul and you should feel sorry for him because they will never know the meaning of true love. I now keep away from so-called friends who still have their partners who think I should be over it by now, but one day it will happen to them so I hope they don’t come knocking on my door.

Life will never be the same, it can’t be, whether you lose a son, daughter, mum, dad, or any other beloved member of your family, they have gone forever and are not coming back but we will never, ever forget them. You have your son and he has you and you now have to be the mum for him that your mum was for you, strong, loving and always there. I don’t know what your illness is, but by being there for each other you will get through this, it won’t be easy, losing anyone you love isn’t easy, but you will survive it, take it day by day and month by month. You have nearly got through the first year and have survived and it won’t have been easy, but you did it, now you have to face the second year but as long as you have your son you will be alright.

I did email our sons and told them exactly what was what and they agreed with what I said, so now I will just have to make sure they carry on behaving themselves. They are grown men of 45 and 48 and if they don’t behave, I will leave all my possessions to a dog’s home.

Everyone on this site is here for you, so never be afraid to tell us your worries, because believe you me, we have all been there and will be forever, the loss never goes away, we just have to live with it and it is not easy because you just start to feel a bit better then something happens, a song, a photo, something on the TV and you are back to square one. It will take time, I don’t know how much time as I am not there yet myself.

Please take care.

Love

Sheila xx