Moving on with someone new..

Hi - I’ve not posted anything in here for a while, but kept coming back to it to see how different people that are grieving, so that I am feeling/going through is “normal”! When I say normal- I say it loosely, because it s the new norm.
It’s been nearly a year since my lovely Husband passed away suddenly with a heart attack, aged 50. I haven’t wanted or looked for anyone else, but now a lovely man, who lives locally has shown an interest and says he’ll wait for as long as it takes for me, but I feel so guilty and feel like I’m betraying my Husband and have done nothing but cry tonight. I’ll always love my Husband more and don’t think I can love anyone else as much and they will always be second best. I know and when my Husband was alive he said that he didn’t want me to be on my own and would want me to be happy, but they will never be good enough. Any advice from you all?

Hi Lexi,

That sounds like a tough situation, I’m sorry it’s got you feeling so upset. There are plenty of people who do fall in love again after the death of a partner, and they usually say that the new love doesn’t replace the previous one, it is different, but the two can exist together. You will never forget your husband, and I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about.

Only you can know if you’re ready for a new relationship, but perhaps the fact that you feel this man would be “second best” is a sign that you don’t feel ready?

You don’t need to make any decisions right now if you don’t feel able to. Grief is an exhausting process, and it’s important to be kind to yourself and not expect too much of yourself. Sometimes people just need to focus on grieving, and take things day by day, rather than worrying too much about what will happen in the future.

Thankyou Priscilla- that does make a lot of sense. He says he will take his time and give me as long as it takes - I’m in no rush, just wanted to get back out there and enjoy male company, though all my family and friends are always there for me and want me to be happy. I do still miss Mark- wished he come back for me, but so lonely.
I’m still doing baby steps and each day is different to the last.

Dear Lexi, your heart will grow bigger and there will be room in it for a new love as well as the love of your husband. That’s something I heard in a TED talk and it rang true. Acceptance is widely recognised as the final stage of grieving, and making room for a new love is the final stage of acceptance. That’s how I see it anyway. You are especially lucky that your husband loved you enough and had time to tell you to be happy and not lonely. Give the new chap a chance and you might be surprised to find he is good enough after all. With best wishes, Neil

Hi Lexi I have also lost my husband and I did have a relationship within a year of his passing. If someone had put this situation before me before, I would NEVER have said that this is something I would have done. My husband was my soulmate and it would have felt so wrong. But… life unfortunately or fortunately goes on for us. I have not berated myself for anything that I have done in the last six years and I have now met someone new. Life is for the living and you must NOT feel guilty at all. You are not betraying your husband or your husbands’ memory. You would not want to meet a replica of your husband, no-one will take his place and you wouldn’t want that. This is a new life for you and in time, at your own pace, embrace it. This is no dress rehearsal and you deserve happiness. XX

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