Multiple family death

hello,
It’s been a long time since I wrote anything really on this topic so I am sorry if i ramble a bit. My father died in 2014…I think. in October from COPD. I was there with my sister , niece, my sisters husband, but my mother was in a home for people with Alzheimer’s. I am sure it was October because when he died the heavens opened and it rained buckets. It was awful for my sister and terrible for me. Then in 2015 my sister died ( aged 55 ). From cancer. This put me in a very bad way. I got help with this problem and the previous death and was managing ok. Then in 2020 my Mother died. As you can imagine seeing as there was now no one left I did feel a tad vexed at this. It affected me quite a lot, and it would seem I haven’t really got over all of this. I am better in myself and general conversation is ok but just lately things have become a bit more difficult and I don’t really know why. Songs are difficult to listen too. Some films…There is a lot of imagery at the moment that is triggering me off (crying). I really miss them all so very very much. You know even writing that last sentence was very difficult. I’m sure you understand. This is happening a lot. It’s just really difficult. It’s the love thing. I think. I guess if I didn’t love them I probably wouldn’t feel like this… lol That’s really great isn’t it…the more you love them the worse it is. well I can’t see the screen now, so it’s that much
That’s better.

I’m glad I found this site. I’ve been meaning to speak to some one about this for ages but never really got round to it. ( burying my self in work…that sort of thing).
Thanks for listening
Peter

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Hello @peterf23, I just wanted to thank you for bravely reaching out here. I think so many of our members will identify with how you’re feeling - especially in what you say about love.

I’m so sorry for all the losses you’ve experienced. I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.

Take good care and please do keep reaching out - you are not alone.

Seaneen

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Hi Peter,
I can certainly understand how you feel.
I lost my Uncle who i adored in 2017.Then i lost my Dad in 2018 but i had my partner of almost 40 years to help me recover.
Last year my partner felt a bit breathless he had always been a very fit and strong man.
He went to hospital for a check up and was misdiagnosed and put on medication.
To cut a long story short he collapsed and died at home and I now have to face an Inquest.
I don’t know how to find some peace.
I am so sorry that you managed to to feel a little better and then start to feel overwhelmed again…
Please take care,I send my love to you.x

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Thank you both for your thoughtful and inspired replies, they really help.
In some of my more lucid moments ( such as now ) I think I understand that these feelings of remorse and sadness are, on the whole completely normal and that if we didn’t feel like this then THAT would be more of a concern. But, that when we DO have tearful episodes that that just doesn’t really enter our heads and that we are just overcome with grief. Some-times it seems to me as if our dead loved ones are reaching out to us. Just letting us know that they are still here and that they listen and feel our pain. Perhaps it’s just their way of letting us know they are still here. I hope you understand this, it sounds a bit weird I know but, well it’s just a thought.
Yes’ Love is a very powerful thing. I think it might be food for our souls. And I don’t think it matters how much love you show, or have for people because if it’s there then that’s all that’s important.
Just an additional note…I was there at my Sisters death. One moment she was asleep breathing very slowly and then the next she wasn’t. She had gone. Obviously there was a lot of tears from her husband and daughter, and, well actually but, initially I didn’t feel like this. My sister was riddled with Cancer and in constant pain. And when she died I felt, ( and saw ) some-thing go. I’m sorry to be so dramatic about this and normally I wouldn’t tell this to anyone because it sounds ridiculous, but I really did get a massive sense of happiness, freedom and love. It was over-whelming. Seeing my Brother in law and his daughter sobbing their eyes out and in a terrible state, I almost felt detached from everything but my Sister. This feeling only lasted a day, as the next day reality sunk in and I was admitted to hospital with very low blood pressure and symptoms of shock. Ever sense then, well, you know. Ups and downs.
I think we have to make the most of what we do here on Earth. I think it is important not to forget the ones we loved, ( huh! like they’d let us! ) and to get on with our lives.
I’ve kind of taken on this attitude and it seems to be working. Certainly it’s much easier dealing with a problem when you look for the positives rather than the negatives. Also, I think they’d want that.
Let’s not forget, whilst they are up there, they know the secrets of the universe and have infinite love. Occasionally they dispense some of it down here. That’s when I have these moments of tearfulness, so I think on balance they would want us to get on with our lives. Hopefully we can feed our souls with a little more love.

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Dear Peter,
I think you are a very inspired person and you express yourself extremely well.
You have helped me to look at my loses in a different light.I am going to re-read your message a few times because i think by me taking time to fully understand your meaning it will be very valuable to me.
I realise this statement might sound a little selfish on my part but we have both had similar multiple losses and you and i wont be the only ones.
Take care Peter,i am thinking of you and everyone else on here.x

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@peterf23 Thank you for such a reflective and insightful post. Your words are also comforting and nothing you have written sounds ridiculous. I lost my older sister a while ago, she was my only sibling and died aged 35 from cancer. 3 years later I lost my father and in January this year I lost my husband. My mother is still alive aged 93 Just before my sister died she said ‘they have come for me now’ and closed her eyes and passed. Her words have always stayed with me and gave me comfort when my dad died and also when my husband died this year. I also felt a sense of peace and love on each of their passing even though I felt distraught for myself. The loss of my husband this year has been the worst experience, I am still in recovery and I feel I will always be. Thank youfor your post. It really has helped

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Hi Sandra,
Your post is so lovely and gives me comfort just as Peter’s did.You describe the selflessness of our unconditional love.I too felt "distraught for myself"when i lost my Uncle and Dad.
The worst pain though is for the man i loved for many years and like you i know i can never recover because there is no cure for the unimaginable pain his death has caused.x

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Thank you once again for the replies and really inspiring messages from all of you. It is great to know that these feelings I have are shared amongst many of you who have the same thoughts and problems about this thing we go through. I some-times get a bit worried about what I do here on planet Earth, or at least I used to more than I do now. I get an over-whelming sense of them all looking down at me and saying some-thing like, “oh god, he’s still making the same mistakes. Doesn’t he ever learn”? But I think the place they are at doesn’t really work like that. There’d probably be a department for annoyed souls up there. I think God has probably got enough on his plate to deal with without that sort of thing.
I have to make a confession now. I haven’t been to the grave for a couple of years now. I find it really difficult. It just makes me cry and feel sad and all the other stuff come thundering into sharp focus. It’s like concentrated sorrow. As you are probably aware, I find that my day to day living with their loss some-times hard enough. However, I know they listen to me, and they help in ways that are quit
Sandi, thank you for letting me know nothing sounds ridiculous. I haven’t really told anyone any of this stuff before, and now it’s difficult to see the keyboard! lol See what I mean? The slightest bloody thing. I think they special powers up there. They just know when you need help. Some-times you don’t even have to ask! Sorry I’m rambling.
I think this love thing is quite important. It’s also one of the hardest things to cope with if it’s not around as much as it used to be. I’m still working on this. It’s Easter now and I guess they are busy up there with all there celebrating. Here, we eat chocolate.
Sorry for this post being a bit all over the place today, it’s just that I’m not used to talking about this.
I wish I’d found this site sooner.
Thank you for listening, your replies, your love, thoughts and everything else. You are making a difference to me and I rreally can’t thank you enough.
Peter

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You are so right @Pushkin28 I

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@Pushkin28 I meant to have continued that it is the selflessness of unconditional love to know that our loved ones are at peace whilst we remain here to experience the excruciating pain of loss and grief. xxx

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Dear Peter,
You are explaining how you feel in all it’s complexities.I think you are a very spiritual person who has really studied your own emotions.
You have so much to offer me with your depth of understanding that i am truly astounded.I re-read and study your writings and your terminology is great…I love in particular:"the other stuff comes thundering into sharp focus " and “it’s like concentrated sorrow”.
It is so descriptive.
You don’t ramble,you just have a lot to say and you allow it to flow naturally.x

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@peterf23 There is no need for apologies your post makes absolute sense to me, gosh this love thing is so important, if we don’t have that then what is there. I am glad you continue to feel your loved ones are continuing to love from on high even though sometimes if feels as if it is not around as much as it once was. I considered your reflections they are in different departments looking down, and I am still trying to figure out which one my husband might be in. He wouldn’t be in the annoyed souls one, I hope he is more like you’re your doing ok! Thank you Peter x

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Hi peter sorry for your lost, it really is hard losing people you love so close together, my dad passed away December 2021and then my mum 4months later,

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Hi Karen621,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know it sounds really cliché but they are together again. And I know it doesn’t make it any easier.
yes, it is a terrible thing. And it is especially hard when it’s people you love. I think I’m beginning to see and understand this love thing. (Although I could be completely wrong ). It really is a double edged sword. I think love it self is pretty basic. I mean if some-one makes you happy, that isn’t necessarily love. But if they keep on making you happy and every-one else, I think there’s some-thing to that. My parents loved each other but didn’t get on that well at times.
Peter

Hello anyone that still reads this. I’ve just seen a really great film that I really enjoyed. It has helped me a lot and yes…I did shed a tear or 5. It’s called I’m totally fine . And it’s not the kind of film you will be expecting. I expect the person that wrote it had had a lot of therapy. It really sums up a lot
Hope you enjoy it
Peter

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