Mum died mid-July. Distracted at first but "lost it" 3.

Hi. Just joined.
Mum fell ill, went into hospital and died in the space of about 5 wks. She died while I was in Spain, 4 days into my much needed and postponed many times holiday. I’ll feel guilty forever for going but know that even if I was in England I couldn’t have reached hospital in 15 mins. (I’d have killed myself in a car crash trying, though)

Held it together for my sis at first dealing with cremation, we didn’t want a service, Probate, Inheritance tax etc and went back to work 10 days after her Death.
Work alone in a little shop. Lost it afew times with customers, but thought I was OK.
Tried a new role driving the van but spent 2 day lost and stressed and the day after broke down for 20 mins during a haircut and was consoled by another customer.
Panic attack in supermarket later that day and my poor sis had to get a taxi to drive me and my car back home.
Doctor the next day signed me off with acute stress straight away. Also got a cough and no voice since her death- stress? And twisted my knee and got Odonaghues Triad injury due to running for watering can when I accidentally set the rockery on fire with a weed burner - that was quite funny!
Not done much in last 3 weeks, dozed, watched TV bosses, worried about money, thrown some of muns stuff out and tried to get prices on stuff we don’t want to keep.
Only me and my sis to inherit house worth £500K but a big equity loan to pay off (£150K!!) still, were looking to buy something between us for £150K and maybe bank £100K each. She’s divorced and I’m a committed singleton.
GP, hospital ENT and chest X-Ray tomorrow and SHOUKD be back to work on Tuesday.
Not sure I can face it, will see how upset I am at doctors tomorrow but as my episode and sicknote started at the end of my 6 month probation, I’m scared they’ll fire me.

Just feel crap. Not sleeping well, having nightmares, keep.forgettijg she’s gone, then remember and it hits me again. Angry at her for dying and we think being ill and not telling us. So guilty at not being with her or my sis when she died. The Ryanair flight home was HELL.
Not someone who could kill themself but if I could right now I’d just go to sleep and die. Then I get angry at myself as I know my sis and nephew need me and in theory, once the house is sold we can concentrate on having a good life to honour my Mum.

Sorry for epic rambling first post

Sorry for epic


Hello @Stutoffee, I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. It sounds like it has been a very difficult couple of months for you so I am glad you are reaching out for support. Thank you for sharing this - I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard.

I hope that your appointment goes okay today. Did you doctor suggest any counselling to you? Sue Ryder offer free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat. You can find out more about it, and our other services like Grief Guide and Grief Coach, here:

Please do keep reaching out - you are not alone.

Hi stutoffee I notice you’re falling apart now three months have passed. From what I’ve read this is very common, the shock/denial is starting to wear off and you’re starting to feel the horrible reality of losing a Mum.

I’m very worried that the same is going to happen to me. My Mum died at the start of September which means December will be three months on for me. I feel bad enough as it is and the thought it’s only going to get worse over the dark winter months terrifies me.

I’m barely able to cope now, missing her like crazy. What a horrible thing to happen to both of us. It’s broken me completely, I’m a shadow of the man I used to be. Mum wasn’t young, almost 80 and in poor health for years but it’s still such a traumatic thing to lose her.

I don’t think I’m mentally strong enough to live without her. Sending hugs :heart:

Hi Seaneen and Sparks, and everyone else who may have read my post.

Appointments went OK. Had blood taken at hospital, and told of some procedures (that I Won’t be having!!) and after nearly an hour there, had to get away.

Got abit teary in GPs but Doc was very nice, said I didn’t seem alot better and offered me tablets which I declined.
I’m not a pill popper. She instead did me a new sicknote suggesting a phased return to work doing 3 days a week for 3 weeks but said I can change if I need to.

She also gave me a number to arrange some councilling and assured me that they way I feel is normal and most.folks feel this way.
Times a great healer.

Got a meeting with with work and hope they’re OK with me, but if they’re not, they’ll get told afew home truths about my last 6 months there.

Talking to my Sis much more now, she’s doing better but gets upset with me. She’s very kindly cleaning, washing and cooking for me.

Just gotta give it time and myself time to heal. No easy answers.

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Just back from meeting and “They’ve let me go” as, in their words, they wouldn’t be doing me any favours by having me on my own in a shop.

They’re not recruiting at the moment, and have let some other staff, including the fairly new Warehouse Manager, go, too.
I guess it’s my own fault for applying for the van driver post, when I couldve just stayed bored in the shop, but I needed something more challenging and may well have enjoyed the driver post if I hadn’t suffered this bereavement.

I’m going to go back to the Doctor to see if she’ll give me a sicknote for a couple of weeks, which Im sure she will as she wanted to prescribe me " happy pills", as I REALLY can’t face signing on with the dole right now.

I’ve been applying for lots of jobs on Indeed anyway, and today, I’ll apply for lots more.

Time to concentrate on getting better and then hopefully get a better job than sitting bored in a Vape shop all day.

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