Mum dying and husband doesn’t get it at all

I’m really struggling here. My mum is currently in hospital in the end stages of her cancer battle.

I am poles apart from my husband. He just doesn’t get the daily trauma and devastation that is my life at the moment. He really really doesn’t. We are arguing all the time. He is not good at emotion whatsoever. I can tell he’s thinking just get a grip.

Back in November last year we were told by the consultant that the chemo wasn’t working, and the tumour had grown. It was devastating. I was in despair. 2 days later he went off to Abu Dhabi with his friend for 5 nights living it up at the Grand Prix.
Leaving me at my lowest, to try and absorb that information and care for my 2 children while supporting my parents. I can honestly say, I will never ever forgive him for going.

He is a good dad and is doing a good job of taking care of my youngest son who is 7. He keeps him entertained and takes him out while I can’t. I just can’t concentrate on him, I feel terrible but I can’t even function properly at the moment, like making his lunch etc or showering him. I can’t even think about cooking dinner either or plan what we are having. I’m just all consumed with what’s going on with my mum.

It’s taken me until now to try and scramble together new school uniform, I don’t know what I’ve ordered and can’t concentrate at all. Normally by now everything is sorted washed and labelled.

Anyone else experiencing this?

I’m so sorry to hear that your mum is dying and that your husband isn’t giving you the support that you need. It sounds as though he is fairly good with practical support but not giving you any emotional support.

Unfortunately this does seem to be fairly common with our users, so you definitely aren’t alone. As you are looking for others with similar experiences, I just wanted to point you towards this conversation, where @Louise_K and @Watt92 have both talked about a lack of support from their partners (in this case after the death of a parent, but I thought you might still find it relevant): "Getting over it"

Hi. Prettygreeneyes. This is so sad that the person you may look to for support is not giving much. But if you try and understand why he is behaving as he does it may help. Some people can’t face reality. It hurts and it can be painful, so they shy away. They will tell others to ‘get a grip’ when in fact they can’t get a grip themselves on ‘what is’. Going off on a break is escaping from potential pain. He can lose himself and so lose the possible pain.
Emotions, to so many men, are what women have. It’s like crying. To admit to crying to so many men would make them feel unmanly, whatever that means. But bottling up emotions is dangerous mentally. I have cried buckets and still do now and then. Being a good dad is halfway there, but not all the way.
We don’t learn compassion until we are met face to face with disaster. Some people just have it, others have to learn the hard way. Compassion is not a weakness but a strength.
I am not minimising your condition, no way! Your pain is great and words are inadequate. Functioning properly will be difficult while your mind is in turmoil. One day at a time is best.
Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. John.

Oh thank you very much, I will definitely have a look into their posts x

Hi John, thank you for your response.

Yes I feel that compassion is something you either have or don’t. Like you say, you only get it when something earth shattering happens to you. I have always had great empathy too. This was instilled in me through RE at school, it was all based around empathy, and I think I’ve carried that into my adult life.

You are right to take it one day at a time. Thanks for your support x

Yes, Prettygreeneyes, we can learn compassion through religious teaching. Christ’s mission on Earth was one of love, empathy and compassion. Buddhists don’t use the word love much, but compassion is their way of expressing that universal love. Love for all sentient beings from an ant to a human. You are fortunate to have empathy. It is poles apart from sympathy. Sympathy is external, empathy internal and from the heart. I think all of us on here feel the pain of our friends. Some posts can be heartbreaking. Loving souls are not as rare as we may think.
Good to talk to you. Blessings. John.

1 Like

Thank you John

Just been called into the hospital. The end is imminent. Prayers please. Thank you. :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob::sob:

1 Like

My prayers and Blessings are with you at this very painful time. We can all pray for you and your mum. I do hope you are getting support. Blessings.

Dear Prettygreeneyes,
I would like to share with you in your distress. We can make many friends but have only one Mum.
The nurses will make your mum as comfortable as they can, but it is you that needs the strength to endure. The Bible book of Hebrews chapter 6:19 speaks of hope being like an anchor that stabalises ships in a storm. The wonderful hope for the Resurrection gives hope for when we will be reunited with our loved ones again on this Earth, when it is returned to the Paradise promised in the Bible. Whenever you want to write an email I will be here to listen. My Christian love, Allen
[edited by moderator]

Dear Prettygreeneyes, like jonathan123 I just wanted to say prayers and thoughts are with you, your Mum and your family at this terrible time. I hope our messages provide you with at least a little support. God bless and take care.

Everyone on here who has been where you
Are now, our hearts will break for you. Your not alone, we know your pain. No advice to give you but just take deep breaths. :heart:

Thank you so much x

Thank you Alston for your thoughts and prayers x

Back to top