Mum feels abandoned.

My Father passed away last year in may and everyone was sympathetic and rallying round to be there for my mum, but now nearly a year on and past his 80th birthday, no one has been near, my mum is of ill health and feels a burden. I live with her and have lost my husband in 2018. Still cry and feel lost. We both do. How can I explain to my mum that even though these people have stopped coming and phoning, she is still loved.

This is a very difficult one, Boyzette,
People do fall back into their lives, it will be very hard to convince your mum that she is still loved and needed. I honestly do not know what to suggest, I had this experience with my mum, after my dad died,
Take care,
MaryL x

Hello, oh this is so hard to explain to anyone but even more so for someone in your mums position. It is just what happens, it happened to me and I know others. People seem to think that we get over ‘it’ after a few months but we know that’s not the case. Just keep telling your mum how much you care and love her, you can say that others don’t matter because they are not there now and it’s just what happens, it’s not your mums fault. We don’t stop loving the ones who’s gone and I suspect she says that she wants to join your dad which will hurt you. It’s a hard road we travel and both of you are travelling down the same road, not easy. You must look after yourself because she needs you. Take care.

I know its been a while since you posted but I just saw your post and was worried about you. Unfortunately people are only around to show sympathy for you in the immediate aftermath of someones death. This is normal it doesnt mean they arent thinking about you but there is no timetable for grief. However the people that were there in the begining may still want to be there for you now. It is just that after such a long time the onus is now on you or your mother to make the first move. I know that right now that is a hard thing to do. But your mother and you need to be proactive in asking for help. What would be good for your mother is to go and meet some of her and your fathers friends for lunch (when this covid is over) or talk on the phone and talk about memories of your dad. As some time has past it will give her comfort to know he is remembered. She also need s to join an elderly activities club or day centre again once the covid is over. She needs to get out the house and do some activitys and join in with people and you need a break from her grief. This isn’t too be nasty but if you are living with your mum her grief may be overwhelming you and you need some help too. You have lost twice both your partner and your dad. You are putting your own grief aside and thinking about your mum and that is both understandable and commendable but the truth is that you need help and support too. Your grief wont get any better or rather lessen if you and your mum are living together. You need some space to find an outlet for you. So as soon as this covid is over get your mum involved in a day centre activities and go to a local carers centre and get yourself some support or get out and see your friends. I myself have been through a lot of grief and heartache in the last few years and have very few friends and support but I find exercise helps. I know that for me getting a dog will help me a lot because I have wanted one for a very longtime but they are too expensive right now. But do think about a pet if you and your mum have room for one. A puppy or kittens antics will brighten anyones lives. And walking a dog will give you exercise and help you start talking to people again. Know also there are people in your life who care about you.

I really feel for you and hope that you get some support and help for you which will make you stronger to help your mum. Be proactive, you are a really strong person and you can do this. Take care.

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