Yes I did get to sleep a little earlier and now up again ready for work. The howling winds woke me up too but I managed to drop off again.
I am glad you managed to smile at your dad’s photo - a very positive thing. There is also a lot of comfort to be had in knowing our parents are no longer suffering and are at peace. It is us who are suffering the grief of losing them now but we are all strong and we will survive!
The internet and ‘remoteness’ seems to be the modern way but at least we all have somewhere to ‘chat’ I suppose. I miss talking to Mum but in the last few months of her life she could not sustain long chats like we used to have. It was not unusual for us to be on the phone for an hour at a time !
I hope you managed to get some sleep - speak soon!
Hello Lucy, How are you, I went through similar issues with my husband, just being there helps. My husband had driver for meds. He went from one day wandering around to being in bed. I was in robot mode and in denial, it was not till he passed away I could look back and think about it all. Still cannot believe it has happened and is a bad dream. Best wishes x
Hi all,
Sorry manic two days but am ok and will reply tomorrow properly. Hope you’re all ok. Got out today to the seaside for a walk then more house sorting and a very near row. I really can’t be tolerating others people’s sh!t right now! X
Hi, hope you’re all ok?
It’s been a full on day of Mum’s paperwork and closing accounts etc online and over the phone, if one more person says to me ‘sorry to hear about your mum’ I’ll scream! As you can probably tell I’m in the stressed mode today! Just got annoyed now as my Dad is going through my Mum’s paperwork and reading personal letters - so just swiped them off of him! I feel her letters etc are still private especially after they divorced. I feel like saying if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all. He actually asked me earlier if he let my Mum down…I said he didn’t as he had provided for her etc but he was nasty with snide comments all of the time and because she wouldn’t do as he said that’s why she left him. My patience is at the limit with everyone and everything.
Lyn T are you feeling in any way similar in terms of little patience four weeks on? Hope you’re ok and especially on Saturday. I’ve just had the ‘month to the day Mum went into hospital’ yesterday. Makes me sad.
Have you too gone through all of these emotions Caroline? One minute I’m fine the next I’m biting someone’s head off - usually Dads!! He’s trying really hard but wants to take over so have asked for his help but have said the house needs to be gone through the way I want it to be done. Don’t want to push him away as I know he is trying to help and has offered to sort all of Mums house but I feel I WANT to be there and do it - with him is fine but I’ll do the personal stuff and he can do the non personal items. Still no idea what I’ll do with house etc but it does feel a bit easier talking about it all now.
Two weeks ago I couldn’t have picked up even a few envelopes in the house to bring home as felt I was stealing them - but grabbed some yesterday as they would be handy for stuff we need now!
I go back to work in 10 days so will be over the ‘month’ since she passed away too.
Next week I need some me time but also want to get cracking with house as I feel leaving it longer will just upset me further down the line. I got upset in there yesterday seeing all of the medication so Dad’s kindly removed everything that was upsetting me today.
Miss her so much. Just want to call her.
Sorry for the long moan of a message but sharing these feelings really does help.
Thanks all x
It’s understandable you are going through all these emotions, you lose a sense of control and it’s scary. You have done everything for your mum and that was your role as her caregiver and seeing this role being diminished is devastating.
My brother came up from his home 200 miles away when dad went into hospital and him and his girlfriend literally banned me from the family home, took over all the funeral arrangements, refused any contact with me and totally excluded me. I have nothing of dad’s apart from what he had in hospital and they would not even let me see a copy of his will. It hurt like hell and my dad would be devastated. Not a thing I could do, my mum is still alive and allowed all this to happen and it would have been totally against my dad’s wishes. I believe they were both jealous of the relationship I had with dad and it is their way of hurting me and they did a good job of it. I had no choice but to accept it and also accept I now have lost them as well but then I count the blessings in that as they did nothing for dad whilst he was alive and now my brother will have the sole responsibility of looking after my mum. My mum treated my dad badly. It was a bad marriage but dad was loyal to the end. I was the only one who loved and looked after him so to be cut off was cruel and painful.
I had no patience up until dad passed away but now nothing actually bothers me. There is nothing anybody can do to me now that dad is gone that can affect me. I have faced my worse fear and pain and anything else becomes irrelevant.
I go back to work on the 23rd of January. I feel anxious but at the same time know I need to do it because although I don’t want “normalcy” I know I have to deal with it at some point and the longer I leave it the harder it will become.
Your dad will be grieving in his own way so try and pull together otherwise you will both pull away from each other and you may both need each other’s support but at the same time you need to look after you and do what’s right for you.
I have had a couple of days where I haven’t thought about dad and that has worried me because I don’t want to ever forget him but I think it’s our brain and body’s way of giving us a break. There is only so much we can absorb and it’s literally taking everything one day at a time.
I still feel like he will just pop in for his daily chat and cup of tea. The only thing that keeps me together is knowing he is now at peace and no suffering.
Sending you a big hug as I walk this journey with you. Dad passed one week exactly before you mum so we are on the same timeline Lucy
I’m a couple of months ahead in the timeline, and I’ve faced people at work after losing my mum. Whether it’s weird or not, I took an order of service to keep on my desk, because it has a couple of lovely photos of mum in. I found it really hard the first time to go all of these familiar places, having lost mum, even places she’d never been! So, it may be rubbish, you may cry. People were understanding, kind and gave me lots of hugs which was what I needed from them. I took things slow. I scheduled a tea break with a colleague who had also lost a parent a while back and I felt she took me under her wing a bit, made the transition back to work a little easier.
I can also relate to the family issues - I’m getting married and I’m basically not inviting any of my mother’s family because they were all so nasty to me and took out their anger that she had gone on me! So to hell with them, I don’t need them, I’ve faced worse than them, and I don’t have to talk to them again.
I’ve because horribly aware of death and mortality, it gets a bit overwhelming sometimes and I feel like other people don’t really understand, so i was kind of relieved to hear someone else feels a bit like this too, that it’s not just me.
Sorry for your loss and to hear you are going through similar experiences. I feel like a toddler learning to walk again, I am unsteady on my feet, not sure where I am heading and learning to face a whole new world for the first time.
I am in a process of having to revaluate everything and start over again. It’s so difficult and especially going it alone as the people in my life since dad passed have really let me down and hurt me immensely.
You think you know your own family but it takes something this devastating to see their true colours. I was always the peacemaker in my family and it was always turned back on me for my efforts, I did it for dad because he had nobody other than me who truly loved him and cared about him, so 15yrs of caregiving and having to deal with my mum’s jealousy of mine and dad’s relationship has taken it’s toll on me emotionally. Like you I never want to see or speak to her or my brother and his family ever again. It took dad’s passing to finally free me of their anger and nastiness and I see it is as dad’s final gift to me.
Friends who I thought would support me have literally dropped of the radar, again another lesson is time now to meet and make new friends and I will be wiser this time with my choices.
I work from home so it’s quite isolating but at least I can avoid people as at the moment I really don’t want anyone around me.
Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding which I can only imagine will be so difficult without your mum but although she won’t physically be there Kimberley she will be with you in spirit and heart.
It’s good that we don’t feel alone with what we are all experiencing and that we can help support each other through it.
Hi all,
Apologies for the ‘radio silence’ but I have been at work and now visiting my brother to celebrate his 60th birthday.
Been thinking of you as I am back in mum’s area for the first time since the funeral - tough times.
Hi,
Hope you’re all coping as best as you can and LynT you sounds like you’re really going through it with lack of support and family challenges too. I do feel sad for you but you are clearly one very strong lady to even be on here talking about it all - so I think you’re doing amazingly well considering all you have on your plate.
You do find out who your true friends and family are and I don’t have much family at all it’s only really my Dad supporting me and we’ve had our ups and downs the past few weeks but I suppose that’s natural considering the stress but my family have been two close friends who I couldn’t have got through everything without. Just get rid of those that haven’t been there and focus on maybe something new to fill time and meet new people? I don’t know if you’re doing this too but I’m literally not stopping - I’m like a mad woman either cleaning, sorting stuff at mums, doing paperwork etc and then when I think I’ll stop for the afternoon and rest - I just can’t. I know I’m exhausted but am focusing on going away for a few days in the summer to try and look a bit more forward to something. One minute I can do it and the next I’m thinking how on earth can I possible make it to the summer,
How was Sunday for you? It’ll be my one month on Friday but yesterday was the ‘one month on from when I really lost my mum’ and the day things really changed.
Keep talking on here - I’ve just been a bit side tracked with rushing to get stuff done as I’m going back to work next week. Dreading it as everyone says ;it’ll be good to get back to normal’ - I don’t really give a monkey’s about getting back to normal - and ‘normal’ no longer exists.
I’m still struggling with not being able to talk to mum. It kills me thinking of it and every night I cry and in the day when no one’s around.
Hang on in there - we will gradually adapt to our new lives but it’s going to take a lot of time and up and downs sadly. Today I thought I’d been ok and then a song came on the radio and I was off. You’re not alone - as we are on this journey with you - I’m just 6 days behind you so I’ll be looking up to you - no pressure!!
How was your weekend away Caroline? And being back ‘home’ without your mum? Did it go ok and how did it effect you?
Let us know.
I’m just starting the whole legal side of things but taking Thursday and Friday off for me time so I get a break for two solid days as I’ve been non stop since Dec 3rd and it’s not right to be this way.
Here I am at 1am when I should be asleep but I am finding I am ok during the day but when I go to bed I just can’t get off to sleep…?
I am also now finding calm and peace amongst this grief. It’s strange but positive strange. I have known what my family are like for a long, long time but I hung in there for dad and I am now seeing and feeling the freedom and peace in having nothing more to do with them or anyone else that is negative towards me. It’s like my dad has set me free and he’s also free so there are also blessings too. My senses have changed. I am different and I am coping better than I ever imagined possible.
Sunday was weird because it seems like dad passed a long, long time ago? Also I have not cried for over a week now which I never thought possible. I thought I would be an emotional sobbing and wailing wreck but I’m not. I think it is because for over 2 years now I have had a fear of dad dying and that subconsciously I had already come to terms with accepting it. Don’t get me wrong it was a huge shock and traumatic but I just had a knowing dad was on borrowed time, dad did too.
When you see someone you love suffering and if they carried on much longer knowing their quality of life would get worse the overriding emotion is of relief. Grief is secondary. I can handle grief, dad suffering I could not. I miss him but know he is and always be with me, he never left, his body did.
Well Lucy it sounds like you have lot’s of things going on at once so just make sure you look after you and get some rest and take in some reflection of what your mum would want for your, she is there to give you your strength and she would want you to focus on happy memories and all the happiness she had during her life. That’s want parents want, for us to be happy and to get on with our lives.
Ian going back to work on the 23rd Jan and feeling apprehensive but know I have to do it.
Caroline, I hope your weekend went ok and you coped with all the emotions it may have brought up for you. Hope to hear from you soon.
Well as my dad would always say to me “tomorrow is another day”
Hi,
Glad you got through Sunday and yes here I am too wide awake! But mines because I just haven’t gone to bed properly. I’ve always been very lucky with sleep and recently the worst nights sleep I had was the night before the funeral & night before Mum passed.
I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better you sounded very low in your last message due to family stuff - it’s realky awful to hear what they’ve been like with you - a time when all should pull together. I’ve been having a few arguments with my dad and he’s backing down it’s almost like he knows i’ll flip completely as I know I’m being far less tolerable I am finding exactly the same as you - I am coping (yes Ive ups and downs) but if you’d have said to me a month after your Mum died you will still cope I’d have never believed it. We had the two year timebomb (that’s what I’m calling it!) as well hence it’s so good to talk to someone at pretty much exactly the same time with same prognosis & illness. Meant to be I reckon so thanks Mum and to your dad!
I wish I had another week off to be honest but I am going to go back Monday they’ve suggested 10-2 each day so that’s good just to ease myself back in but I’m dreadinv all of the ‘sorry to hear about your Mum’ Comments! Once I’ve got through the first week I hope it’ll be a tad easier. I work from home/on the road quite a bit so not always in the office but it’s that first time if seeing eveyone.
Yes I know I need to take time for me so defo doing that thurs, fri & Sun.
So much has become so trivial since Mum died. It’s really hitting me just how much I did and I’d do it all over again for her. But real life really has kicked in.
Glad you’re feeling better I expect we’ll have ups and downs over the coming year as one minute I think I’m doing ok but the next & each day that I don’t have Mum I’m worried I’m going to forget her voice. I can’t imagine being 5 months down the line without her. I do feel she is still with me too- a very strange feeling but my heart kind of aches but I feel she’s with me all the time and guiding me with decisions-it’s a lovely feeling.
Hope you’re asleep by now!
Take care and keep going xx
Overall it was a great weekend away but it was hard being so close to mum’s house then staying in a hotel. We stayed in a Premier Inn about a mile from mum’s.
We went to see my brother on the Saturday and he had got a couple of things I wanted from mum’s house - I could not face going to the house myself yet. He got me some of mum’s ashes so that I can get my glass charm made - that felt a little odd! I was worried that I would not cope but I did.
The only time I really sobbed was when the taxi driver took us past the end of mum’s road due to a motorway junction closure. It was a shock to see the places where I had been with Mum just before she died and I did not cope so well with that bit of the weekend.
One thing I feel I benefitted from was talking about mum to my family, face to face - we shared quite a lot of the final few weeks but also happier memories from previous times. Her grand kids were so positive about their memories which was lovely.
I feel ok but it did put me back a bit for a while. The journey there but no mum to greet me … the local area where I used to drive her around to get her out of the home/house … but now that I am back home I am ok again.
I have been just the same as you. Even now I have little patience with people when I am dealing with anything to do with mum!
I had to phone NPower about a credit refund - just not dealt with sensitively enough. They can take money off me to pay the ‘temporary’ account bill but if I wanted the credit refunded I had to send the death certificate again. It has been a while since I had to do this and it upset me a lot.
I think the key is to try to look after yourself as well as deal with the tasks in hand. Everything seems to take so long - just when you think it is almost done something stops you!
We have an issue with mum’s house - it has no land registry number for various reasons - so we are looking at about another 17 weeks before we can finalise the sale to my brother. I just want it over and done with so that I can stop thinking about being mum’s executor - I want to go back to being her daughter now.
In 2 days time it will be 5 months since mum passed away. Day to day it is easier; I don’t cry as much but I wonder how I will feel when my son goes back to uni tomorrow. We all tend to hold it together when we have people around us - my husband is a PC so is often on late or night shifts. That was when I cried the most but I have not done so as much with Ben home.
I am so proud to read all the posts showing our own journeys into and out of grief. There is a long long way for us to go but we will get there. The most important thing, I feel, is to remember our lost ones and celebrate their lives; to make sure we continue to make them proud if we can.
Sending you hugs too - sorry I have not been on here much but life does, unavoidably, have to go on.
You have been through such a rough time. You did right by your dad and he knows that. I am so sorry that you have had to experience the family fallout but you are strong and have your dad’s love with you.
Life you said, we have faced our worst fear - losing our parent - and that is how I feel. I dreaded the day I lost my mum - she was so important to me - but nevertheless that day came and went with nothing I could do about it.
Before my mum passed I was like a whirling dervish - researching what Mum needed, phoning people who should be helping us, and so on. Since she passed I have not been like that - I am much calmer and I just see things more clearly. All that we fight for is pointless once the life has been lost and those left behind need to accept that fact. I spent months battling for what I thought was needed and then after mum died that adrenaline left my body and I was still.
I have been back at work for several months now and although getting back to normal seems horrible it will actually help you with your recovery. If you have a line manager ask them to tell people not to express their condolences individually - maybe they could sign their names in a card? That way you can deal with their concern for you in one go.
I will be thinking of you, as I have been since this thread started, and I know that you will be ok. You have the strength from the love your dad had for you to carry you forward.
I think I found really hard was sleeping. I would go to bed so tired and then once the house fell quiet my mind would go into overdrive about mum. I did consider getting sleeping tablets but I have resisted so far.
Lucy - going back to work is always tough in your head but people care about you so that is good. I would try to just smile and say thank you - only enter into an actual conversation when you are ready to. I have found sharing memories of my mum has actually helped me but it takes time. If you feel overwhelmed just say so. The first time seeing everyone is hard but I found people were incredibly sensitive to my mood and adapted well.
Your comment about how trivial things seem really hit home with me. Like you my life just before mum died was taken up entirely by meeting her needs. I was talking to my brother about this at the weekend as he did more than I did over the past few years as he was local. He says it feels strange not having to sort things out for mum but we are both relieved that we don’t have to worry about her now. She is safe.
5 months down the line and mum is still very much with me. So many things remind me of her and her kindness. I wear her ring; I now have the ashes to get a glass bead charm made … we will not forget them!!! Lucy and Lyn - we are ok !
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum on 11th August 2017 - a statement that I never wanted to write!
I love the idea of taking in the order of service - I use one of mum’s as a bookmark! Like you I had colleagues that had recent bereavements similar to my own and they made it much easier for me as they really did understand. My boss lost him mum a year previously so he was a great support. I did find going back to work gave me a purpose too.
The feelings about death and your own mortality are familiar to me. It is almost as if you now comprehend that the end actually is the end - hard to explain but I feel really differently about mortality now. In some ways it scares me more - we don’t know how we will die - but in other ways I am comforted that once we are gone our life is in order and we pass into a better/different place.
I hope that you are ok and that your will continue to post on this thread so that we can all get to know each other.
Pleased you coped with your weekend away and you managed to deal with all the memories it brought up for you. It’s another small step on the healing journey so well done and your mum would be proud.
I promised myself an early night tonight as my sleep pattern is totally haywire but like you as soon as I get into bed and the stillness surrounds me I just can’t sleep so I get up have a cigarette and a cup of tea and try again later! God only knows how I will even manage to get up on time to even make work!
I know though I have to face it and deal with the reality of everyday life as I am currently living in a time warp!
My friend came round today and we had a really good chat about everything and she is so supportive so it really gave me a lift. It was good to feel like the old me again, even if only for a short time.
I also took my dog out for a nice walk and just some fresh air and exercise made me feel better.
I think we gain a little more strength each day but well aware how it can change at the drop of a hat.
Like everyone says it really is a matter of taking each day as it comes and going with the flow. I am going to have to limit my time on the internet (apart from on here) as I keep googling about death and dying as it has opened a load of questions in my head as I want answers but it’s not healthy reading. Don’t know why I am doing it? Guess it’s still going through the whole process of being here one minute and not the next…
We are getting through this together ladies and thanks for your support, it means so much to me.
I am now going for my second attempt at sleep, wish me luck
I have not posted much recently but I have constantly thought about people on this group and how they are coping. Life does get in the way but I am determined to keep posting on this thread until we all decide that we no longer need it.
I have had an idea that may not suit everyone ( as I am almost 5 months on but some of us has losses that are far more recent) but I wanted to ask each of us to post a happy memory of our lost one on this thread.
Could we just share something that is an important memory to us; one that keeps their person alive in our memories and our heart.
The reason that we are all suffering so badly from our loss is that we loved the person that we have lost so much. Our loss is amplified by our love and our loss feels so much because of this. The only way to move forward, I have found, is to share our love and memories of that person with all that we can.
I will post my memories soon - please join in if you feel that you can.
Do what you I can. I still cannot sleep like I used to but I manage to get to work and cope. I don’t know if I will ever stop thinking of mum as I try to sleep but I hope I can learn to. Sleep patterns can be adjusted so try to find ways that help you - maybe a milky drink, music, reading?
We have dogs (10) and they do give me some relief form the pain. One is named after my mum and she loved her - a cocker spaniel that mum called the ‘dancing dog’! Mum loved her so it is nice to remember that each day.
I am so glad your friend brought you much needed comfort - that is so important.
I googled about death a lot before mum died and it scared me. The reality was different. The idea that we do not know what happens next was always something I wondered about but I am more at peace than I thought I would be. However, my mum was 96 and at the end of her life so it may be different for those of you who lost parents/partners at a much younger age.
All I can say is that you need to share it all on here - no one judges and no one can change your own experience. To share is to halve the burden they say.
I have found this group the best way to share my grief and, being a bit further on than some, I hope I can offer some uselful support.
I just wanted to share this poem with you that I had at my dad’s funeral:
Feel no guilt in laughter, he’d no how much you care,
Feel no sorrow in a smile that he is not here to share
You cannot grieve forever, he would not want you to
He would hope that you could carry on the way you always do.
So, talk about the good times and the way you showed you cared
The days you spent together, all the happiness you shared,
Let memories surround you, a word someone may say will suddenly recapture a time, an hour, a day, that brings him back as clearly as though he were still here
And fills you with the feeling that he is always near.
For if you keep those moments you will never be apart
And he will live forever locked safe within your heart
He’s trying really hard but wants to take over so have asked for his help but have said the house needs to be gone through the way I want it to be done. Don’t want to push him away as I know he is trying to help and has offered to sort all of Mums house but I feel I WANT to be there and do it - with him is fine but I’ll do the personal stuff and he can do the non personal items. Still no idea what I’ll do with house etc but it does feel a bit easier talking about it all now.