Caroline, I have read that right? 10 dogs!!! How can you manage 10 of them? I am in shock!!!
I have a Westie called Sammy he is 9yrs old but he acts like a 2yr old. He by himself is demanding (my fault as I spoil him) but I would not be without him. My dad hit the roof when I told him I was going to get a dog but he was the first to meet Sam at 6 weeks old and dad absolutely adored him, they went everywhere together (with me or without me). When dad was dying I took a photo of him and put it at the end of dad’s bed and the only coherent words he said in those last 2 weeks were “aww bless Sam my best friend”. That broke my heart and also Sam waiting at the door for dad’s daily visits. Dogs know more than we think. I have a lovely photo of dad and Sam in my lounge and it always makes me smile. Sam was a great comfort and joy to dad and that brings me beautiful memories.
I love Cocker Spaniels, they have so much character and energy just like Westie’s.
Yes, we have 10 dogs! We show pointers and a couple of other breeds so we have a bit of a menagerie! They are 4 pointers, 3 dachshunds, 1 cocker spaniel, 1 clumber spaniel and a miniature poodle!
I love Westies - we had a breeder with them close by when I was a kid and I helped walk them. My mum loved the dogs but we had to keep them away from her legs in the latter years as her skin was fragile and she never wore trousers! We did put a throw over her legs and let them sit with her though.
Dogs certainly do know more than we give them credit for.
My son has gone back to university today so I am ‘home alone’ for the first time since the middle of December. I hope that I don’t relapse back into crying every night about mum!
Hi Both,
Hope you’re getting through today Caroline. I’ve got to get through tomo and earlier had a message from a friend to say her Mum passed this morning… it’s just unbelievable. This really is real life kicking in.
Lyn I can’t believe you did what I did - put a picture up of my cat in mums room in hospital! Amazing we did the same. I put a pic up of my cat as she loved him, pic of me & Mum & a pic of her Mum. Wonder what she thought when I put them up - I wonder now whether she thought ‘she thinks this is the end’. Oh god it’s just all so difficult.
Well one memory I have was the wonderful smile Mum gave me during her final week as she didn’t know I’d cone into the room as she was asleep and so I just sat and when she woke up she gave me the most amazing smile ever as if to say ‘you’re all I need and you’re here’. She said ‘hello darling’ after but was just mesmerised to see me sitting there. I said where else would I be!
I’m finding I’m getting on ok and then I find that each day that passes is another step away from Mum which does make me sad,
Hope being on your own Caroline hasn’t been too bad, you’ve got plenty of animal company by the sound of things! I love my cat he’s an absolute treasure.
I’ve been doing the various HMRC forms etc. Joy. N-power never asked me for a death certificate for Mum. I’ve found most of them pretty helpful but NatWest on Tuesday… I was livid but also pretty upset after. Only webtbin to oaybin some money and the girl suddenly says ‘who’s your mortgage with’ and it completely caught me off guard. So I kinda stumbled and said none of your business and she said well we’ve got some really great rates so why wouldn’t you want to know more…so I snapped back ‘maybe because I’m trying to cope with my mother’s death right now’. I felt myself getting really annoyed. She shut up then!
I am now finding it is getting harder, thought I was doing ok but just lately keep going over the last few day’s of dad passing. Can’t shake it off.
Waiting for the good memories to come so trying to be positive and patient.
Grief is certainly a rollercoaster and it’s so scary as don’t know what to expect. I got some pills from the dr’s a while ago which so far have resisted taking but may have to give in and I hate bloody tablets!
Yes I am ok - being alone did not trigger anything which I am grateful for. I am still exhausted from the summer - going back to work means you never seem to rest especially when you cannot sleep so well.
So sorry to hear of your friend’s loss too - all so very very sad.
The paper work and formalities have done my head in (a phrase I hate!) - still rumbling on due to various issues and no ‘quick fixes’ either. I found myself very snappy with people - some who work for bereavement departments need refresher training on how to treat the recently bereaved !!
It was 5 months yesterday - hard to believe we have been without her for that long. I can just hear her phoning and saying ‘hello stranger’ - that was what she would say to me if I called too infrequently !!!
She was a real gem and I miss her so much.
Keep as positive as you can - the kidney trio will keep us all sane xxx
I am sorry that you are feeling down at the moment but it is to be expected - a rollercoaster as you say.
I did the same as you - felt I had put things a little into perspective (Mum at rest, not suffering, grand age …) but found I was actually masking the grief. I used to come on here - I never contributed at that point - and read about how others coped whislt balling my eyes out!
In some ways maybe we have to make the happy memories come to us? I found going through mum’s old pictures good - to see her as a young person, then married, then a Mum, then a grandma … It made me see the purpose of her life and all that she had achieved.
Talking to people has helped me a lot - in person and on here. I think you have to share your fears and the way you feel about the last few days of your dad’s life. I still have flash backs to the day before she died - wishing I had known she would leave us overnight so that I could have stayed with her. I spent most of the week with her but she died alone - that still makes me sad.
If you feel able, share your thoughts with us on here - we cannot take your pain away or bring your dad back but it may help.
Sending lots of love and hugs. Look after yourself and try to get out for some fresh air.
I am now finding it is getting harder, thought I was doing ok but just lately keep going over the last few day’s of dad passing. Can’t shake it off.
Waiting for the good memories to come so trying to be positive and patient.
Grief is certainly a rollercoaster and it’s so scary as don’t know what to expect. I got some pills from the dr’s a while ago which so far have resisted taking but may have to give in and I hate bloody tablets!
I think I too have been subconsciously masking the grief. It appears to be coming out now as I cannot get past the hospital vigil.
What really upsets me is I was having so much hassle from my brother and his girlfriend who were visiting during the day and not keeping me updated and refusing to communicate that I took my eye off the ball, i.e, dad. I was too preoccupied with trying to get them to see sense of the situation.I had to work during the day so could only visit during the evening’s and dad was incoherent and not able to talk to me and all the nurses were giving me conflicting information and the care from them was really appalling . It was all a blur and so confusing and frightening and I should have pushed more for answers but I was exhausted and stressed. I wasn’t there enough for dad physically or emotionally like I always have been because I actually needed help and it just didn’t happen.
Not one medical person told me dad was dying or what to expect and my brother would not do anything to support me or dad. I had to literally scream at one nurse to help dad as he was in distress and I then had to make the decision to stop all medication with no help from anyone as I couldn’t see dad suffer anymore.
Sorry to pour all this out but I think I have been bottling it all up
My brother and mother banned me from the family home so I have no access to anything of my dad, only what he went into hospital with, no photo’s nothing, just his teeth and glasses
I looked after dad for 15 years with endless trips to A&E, hospital appointments, anything and everything I could do I did. My mother hated my relationship with dad because she was jealous and gave my dad a very hard life. My brother visited 3 times a year and did nothing. He came upon a mission with mum to completely alienate me. He took over everything behind my back, the funeral everything. I have never even seen a copy of my dad’s will. Not that it interests me other than he got any wishes he wanted fulfilled. They have his ashes and I have no idea where they will be scattered. My dad should have had peace surrounding his death not conflict and there was nothing I could do and it’s broken me completely. So sorry to get this out, it’s not fair on you
Please don’t beat yourself up about this. Your brother and other family should have worked with you but they did not. That is not your fault or your choice.
Hospitals are the worst places to face losing someone, in my opinion, as they are stretched too far to give good care - for patient and family. You did not take your eye off the ball at all - stress means that we cannot operate as well as we usually do. Then add in the sheer emotional and physical exhaustion - your reactions are just normal and part of this horrible process of loss.
You were there for your dad - he knows you were doing your very best for him. I truly felt that I had no meaningful support from professionals - naively I thought they would give bereavement support but no.
You had to face such a tough time alone and that is not good. Deciding on stopping medication is hard - I had my brother to share the decisions with but it still made me feel awful.
I think you did a great job and you need to remind yourself that you had no idea what was going to happen. None of us know what the end will be like and it is distressing … the finality is pretty paralysing when it happens.
You will be fine and please please share as much as you want to - it is never good to bottle things up. Always here for you xxx
Please do not apologise - I asked you to share, if you could, and I am pleased that you feel Anne to do so.
Family conflict is often devastating and I really feel for you as you do not deserve to be treated so badly.
One thing you have though that they don’t is the relationship you had with your dad - and the Love you shared with him. When you are feeling stronger you will see this and gain comfort from it.
I cannot remember - were you parents still together ?
Regarding the will - I think they become a public document but I am not sure if that is only if you apply for Probate.
Also, you do have some legal rights as his daughter surely - I am not a legal person but it may be worth taking advice on what rights you have. I know the will is not of concern to you re-money etc but you do have rights.
Thank you for asking me to share and it was what I needed to do.
My dad and mum were still together but had a bad marriage. My dad was loyal though to the end. My mum put him through hell and the last 5 mths he had had enough of her, hence why I took him on holiday to give him a well needed break. She didn’t even bother to attend his funeral.
Everything dad had financially would go to mum and rightly so. He told me that when he was alive but also said he had requested that if she then died everything would be split evenly between me and my brother. Little did he know they would both cut me adrift. I asked my brother to see a copy of the will because it was at the family home and I knew exactly where everything was of dad’s but he refused. My dad would never have expected this from my brother, he would be heartbroken. Dad knew mum would do nothing for me and while he was alive he looked after me financially as he worried about me being on my own. Before his heart operation in May he bought me a brand new car. We looked out for each other and I was all dad had and vice versa.
My mum has never worked and is a selfish alcoholic and whenever he was admitted to hospital she locked him out of his own home because she hated him being ill so I would always have him here with me where I looked after him. All so sad.
He is at peace now and I just have to keep focussing on that but it was just such a sad ending to a wonderful man’s life that just tears me apart.
You are so very brave - you now need to make the time and space to grieve for your own very personal loss.
I was also scared of how I would cope with the inconsolable grief and the physical pain I felt when I thought about life without Mum. I have cried and cried and cried and cried - and it does stop eventually.
Let it out - I shouted out, screamed actually about how unfair it all is. It was when I was on my own but I needed to shout and scream.
It may be that, longer term, that counselling would help you - there are complex issues to discuss and maybe professional help would be good.
Talking is good; sharing is good too - just let it all out. I wish I was there to give you a hug and tell you how much your dad loved you xxx
Oh dear - so sad that things were so hard for you and your dad. Your mum not attending his funeral is awful.
Have you tried to talk to your brother away from your Mum ? It is a shame that he let your dad down at such a sad time.
It is lovely that you and your dad looked out for each other and that makes his loss even bigger. I cannot comment on family conflict as I did not experience any but I am sure someone on this group may be able to support you with that aspect.
Your dad is at peace. He loved you and knows that you loved him. In the end we are all mortal beings and the fact that you shared a special bond whilst he was here on Earth is priceless.
Your mum and brother will never have that. It is unique to you and your dad - build your memories, when you can, around that fact. Your dad took your Love with him as he passed and would have found much comfort in the fact that he knew you,above everyone else, lived him so much.
Thanks for your understanding and I do take comfort that dad knew how much I loved him and him me. We have always been there for each other no questions asked. There are lots of happy memories which I hope will come through eventually.
I tried to speak to my brother but he flatly refused and now I want nothing more to do with either of them. Still, I also now have to grieve the loss of my whole family sadly.
When I tracked down who the funeral directors were so I could go through what had been arranged for dad’s service, I was so ashamed to tell them why I had had no involvement in dad’s funeral but they were lovely and said more famillies fall apart at the death of a loved one than those that pull together. It is common place. God only knows why, however, the minster said when one parent dies it changes the structure and shakes the foundation of the remaining family and roles are reorganised. It sort of went over my head at the time.
It was just all so disrespectful to dad as his death should have been surrounded by love and peace but like you said, I can’t be responsible for their actions but it tainted everything and I have to get past that and it’s so difficult to do.
Like we all agree this is very much a one day at a time process
xxx
I have to focus on my relationship with dad without the others but unfortunately many memories of your parents are about the whole family. This is my struggle.
Take your time and be kind to yourself - none of this is your fault.
I am so glad that the funeral directors were understanding and took the time to talk it through with you but it still hurts. We do recall memories as a family together.
I agree that there should have been Love and peace but you cannot account for others and are not responsible for their immature actions.The problem is that we cannot disconnect the actual fact of what happened from what we wanted it to be.
You have experienced a double bereavement losing you lovely dad and your other family. That will take time to recover from so please remember that none of this is down to you. You have to cope with the consequences and that will take time but you will cope.
It has to be one day at a time. I am still up and down but much more settled now. I think you need to give yourself plenty of time to process what has happened and I would urge you to seek professional support should you start to feel overwhelmed.
I am happy to chat as much as you want when I can - if I don’t reply it is not because I don’t care - I really do - and I will respond when I can. There’s lots of great people on this forum that can help you. I feel a real affinity with you and Lucy though.