Hi Both,
I’m so pleased our post has so many replies and messages and they’ve not fallen by the way side like a lot of the posts sadly do, really nice to know there are three of us sticking together through this. I’m sure in time it may subside a little as we gradually cope with things but I’m going knowhere!
Sorry to hear you’re struggling again Lyn, you seemed to be ok a few days ago but this is grief I suppose the ups and downs and just when you think you’re fine it catches you again. I think you e def got a double whammy going on with not only your dad but the rest of the family which must be incredibly hard. I am an only child and often wished I’d had brothers/sisters but so many siblings fall apart when a death happens and so people say to me it’s easier to be an only child. It’s tough as I have no one other than Dad and a handful of close friends but not that bond I’d love with a sibling but then hearing what you’re going through maybe it is easier to be an only child. I do really feel for you. As Caroline said please do share how you feel as we really are going through this together warts and all. And you’re only 6 days ahead of me. The 6th December was my mums last ‘ok’ day.
Hope you’re ok Caroline, you’re giving lots of support, hope I can return the favour.
Thanks both for asking today, to be honest I didn’t want to get up, got very distressed and then from 9.30-10.30am I was in pieces reliving what was happening at that time last month. Been pretty up & down and resorted to a tablet at lunch time to calm me down. I know how you feel with the tablet thing Lyn but god if it just helps take the edge off things amthen I’ll have one and it meant I got on the rest of the day. I don’t want to revert to them all of the time but some days are going to be worse than others & for me it works.
I’ve been doing paperwork all day. I’m going out tomorrow but yesterday and today have been my first two days together in a row without going anywhere since it all kicked off Dec 3rd. I just needed some time in.
Keep going all! I’m already worrying which is ridiculous but my birthday is on a 12th of the month so when I reach my birthday month it’s just another reminder of mums death and I’m really struggling with the date thing. Did one of you mention this earlier?
It’s crazy as it’s mobths off but I’m now hung up on the 12th being the worst day ever.
Let it all out Lyn and we are here for you.
I’m actually feeling pretty let down tonight as other than my dad who did call to check on me, only one friend had asked how I am today and has remembered what day it is. One friend. I know it’s not a date that significant for my friends but I’d have thought a few more may have asked.
Good to see your post - it is odd but I feel lonely when there are no posts on this thread (even if I did not post for a few days !).
Bereavement is so complex. There are three of us dealing with loss here and all our experiences are different.
Reliving the situation is common as you as so close to the date of your loss. That does reduce as time passes so please try to take comfort form that. The first time you have a significant event without them it hurts - my birthday is 28th Sept and my brother has just turned 60 on 5th Jan. Mum was much missed but keenly remembered on both days.
I am fine thanks Lucy - I am feeling stronger which is why I am able to support. I will have relapses when I will need the support I am sure x
Don’t feel let down - people live their own lives and our dates are not significant. This does not mean that they don’t care for you it is just that they don’t remember like we do. Forgive them and take whatever support they offer. I found myself feeling negative about friends that I felt should have been more supportive at the time but I now feel I expected too much of them as they could never feel the depth of grief that I was feeling.
Just give yourself a break and try to see the positive in all. I almost fell into the trap of feeling others should have done more for me and then I realised that my relationship with Mum was so intense and personal that no one else, including my brother, understood the intensity of my loss.
Once I had realised this I understood why others did not respond as I had hoped. I was so wrapped up in my grief that I could not see how others did not understand the depth of my grief. We are all living and breathing the grief of a significant loss - 5 months yesterday Mum left me - but it is irrelevant to the rest of the world.
We need to support each other to get through this - as you say, not going anywhere !!
After chatting to Caroline I went to bed as I am literally shattered but as soon as I got into bed I was awake again…so back to a cup of tea and sitting here contemplating that tablet. It is a beta blocker for anxiety but I am anxious about taking it! Damned if I do and damned if I don’t…ah well got a good bottle of red wine in the kitchen I may have that instead!
I too am glad you and Caroline are still here, otherwise I have visions of me talking to myself…that may be yet to come!
If you miss having a sibling you can always borrow my brother and that will quickly change your mind!
I understand you feeling let down, I have a few close(ish) friends and they didn’t bother either, sometimes I feel better off on my own, people can’t let you down that way.
I am finding my tolerance of people is wearing thin…I had a friend not a close one…text me to say how was Christmas and New Year? My reply was absolutely fantastic thanks!! Couldn’t help myself.
You talking of dates my birthday is the 7th of the month so it was very touch and go that I would be feeling exactly the same as you. Ironically Lucy my brother’s birthday is 12th December but I would rather think if you than him.
Hope you have a better day tomorrow. I am going to say goodnight now as my eye’s are getting bad being on the internet for long periods of time
Aww Caroline just seen your post, we are now the wide awake after midnight club! I don’t want to subscribe as I need my sleep…god I am starting to get bags under my eyes and I need to preserve my beauty somehow…before all this I was always in bed by 10pm! I am sat here in my onesie, make up streaked from crying earlier and can’t be bothered to take it off and I look like something out of a horror movie!
I am going to catch up on Corrie and try bed again
Oh god how far are you behind with Corrie? I’m just catching up and only got to Dec 29ths show and all I can say is avoid!!! If you’re ahead you’ll know what I mean! I thought I can well do without seeing this one month to the day!
Glad I’m not the only one with feeling a bit let down - I know what you mean though Caroline and being that bit further ahead you’re probably seeing things in us that you went through so it is interesting.
I’m very lucky compared to you both with the sleep pattern but I always have been which is a great relief as not being able to sleep must be awful and so much more exhausting for you. If I could share I would!
I am catching up tonight’s episode Lucy, so yes I know exactly what you mean…
I am losing the plot with Pat Phelan and it’s dragged on too long now. Since when did Corrie have a serial killer on the loose? NEVER, it’s running away with itself.
I am also recording Celebrity Big Brother as I can only concentrate on so much TV. Typing this feels weird that I can do some normal things.
Going to try again now for some sleep after 2 large glasses of wine!
Sorry for your loss too. I think all any of us can do is take it day by day. It ebbs and flows and repeats. Also, not that there is a right or wrong time but winter and especially January are gloomy months when added to bereavement. Hopefully with spring around the corner it may lift our spirits
I’ve had a crap day. Emptied mums handbag and was just pills, special knife and fork she had and it just made me lose it all over again. Then tonight I’ve gone through my ‘visual voicemails’ & I’m elated but devestated at the same time. Only got a message on it from Nov 28th from Mum that she’d accidentalky rung me whilst on the phone to me - god knows how it happened but I’m so pleased I can hear her voice in normal conversation with me about clothes washing liqui tabs! She must have been mucking about with her mobile and rung and left a message whilst talking to me off her landline. I remember I was moaning about the car park being full and did she have to have a specific make!! She’s saying yes because she was itching a lot with the kidney failure - I’m now thinking is this all not just a bit odd that she accidentally dialled me so I’ve now got about 3 minutes of her talking - how the hell she was dead 14 days later is beyond me hearing that conversation. She was still so mentally with it it was just those damn kidneys that went bang. She was down to 7% function stand when she went in it had dropped to 6% and I was worried that this would be incredibly long & drawn out as we went from 6-0 but hers just went instantly.
I am so depressed tonight. Worst I’ve been since day after funeral. I think the handbag and the voicemail have just been too much.
I’m going back to work tomo god knows how in this state. I feel so mentally and physically exhausted that I keep feeling sick. I know when I’m exhusted and the signs but the headaches and nausea are awful. I had two days without going out but it was just paperwork.
Sorry to be so negative but it’s just hit me all over again today.
I’m defo a fed days behind you Lyn aren’t I!!!
Hope you’re both ok and Lyn.
Beta blockas LynT - I can understand why you may want to keep off of them bless you. I’ve just got some other tablets from doc to help calm me down so may be in need of one for work tomorrow when I arrive. Dreading it.
Oh dear what a traumatic day you have had. One thing that strikes me is the rapidity of kidney disease / kidney failure at the end of life. Hard to comprehend really like you say. The only consolation is that they did not have a long drawn out passing - for that I am grateful.
When I emptied mum’s handbag it was hard - her day to day precious items. I carry some with me in my bag now - her comb being one thing. When she had recently died I looked for traces of her hair because that was her dna - all gone now.
The voicemail is amazing though - today it has brought you sadness but in time I am sure it will nbring you comfort. You are still in the very early stages of grieving and it is up and down all the time.
What work do you do? Are you on a phased return?
You are not being negative - and remember that we do not need to apologise for the way we feel, especially on here. We are all feeling much the same I expect but sometimes some of us feel stronger than others so we can try to help.
I hope that going back to work is ok when you get there. Maybe speak to just one person and ask them if they can ask people not to say too much to you for now. Trouble is that people often don’t know what to say and feel awkward - they will not want to distress you I am sure.
Take your time and ask to be able to go outside to get some fresh air if you need to. The hard bit I felt was the onset of normality - whatever that might be - and the implied expectation that this is ok. It feels too soon and it is scary.
When I went back to work it was ok - much better than I expected. Looking back I think it was good to take my mind off the paperwork and stress of dealing with the estate - I really hope that you will be ok.
Take care and I will be thinking of you tomorrow- I will be awake a while longer tonight if you can reply.
Lucy and Caroline
Just a note of thanks to both of you as I felt I could appreciate what you were saying. I hoard everything that I think may have mum’s DNA on it - hair from old curlers and combs, pairs of glasses that probably have her fingerprints. I could get a job collecting forensic evidence. Just before she was put on the syringe driver she was unable to swallow her medication and spat two capsules out. I threw them away but after she died I found them stuck to the bottom of the waste paper bin and couldn’t bear to part with them as they’d been in her mouth. I got them set in resin in a pendant and wear it all the time.
Lucy, I think you’re so lucky to be able to listen to your mum’s voice. I only have photos of my mum. I so regret not having a video of her. Hope you can cope with work tomorrow.
Thanks Caroline that’s really helpful to hear. I’ve just thought I didn’t see mums hair brush in her bag which I swore it was in there. I did take a lock of mums hair at the hospital - felt an awful thing to do but I am pleased I did. I wonder where her hairbrush has gone. Unless my dads taken it - to remove ‘distress’. I don’t know where it is and that will frustrate me now as I wanted that too.
I’m a fundraiser for a charity so they should be sympathetic but today has been a bad day I know. I’m going to talk about more of a phased return as I have to drive over 40 miles each way to work as I’d stayed close to Mum specifically but had left another job as I couldn’t bear the thought of being around mums area without her being there so I kind of moved jobs to try and protect myself a little but I’ve not found going to her house a problem. I was still nearby to be able to see her etc and 20 mins from hers and the hospital. But I’m not sure I’m ready for m-f full on.
I’m also freaking out about what to do about her ashes I just don’t know where to put them. She made a list of places but there are so many choices! I think I’m leaning to one place more than anywhere else but whether it will be possible I don’t know. But I’m just worried as I don’t want to leave her at the funeral parlour any longer than she needs to be but if I bring her home I don’t know how I’ll cope with her being here and driving home with her in a pot???
Was it you that said about the ashes into glass as that’s what I’m doing with some of her ashes. Odd to some but to have Mum with me in a ring will be lovely.
I’d better get to sleep I suppose abc thanks for the message. Xx
Yes, I have some of mum’s ashes now that I am going to have put into a glass charm for my Pandora necklace. Just got to choose the colour now and send off for the kit so that I can send her ashes.
My brother collected mum’s and I asked him to put them in her bedroom. Leave them until you are ready and remember the ashes are not your mum. She is part of the spirit world now and the ashes are just something that she left you to remember her by.
The hairbrush will surface at some point - if not just ask your dad and he may be able to help. I have chosen the important things to me to bring Home to remember Mum by and it has helped. Everything takes time and don’t rush yourself.
Yes, I have some of mum’s ashes now that I am going to have put into a glass charm for my Pandora necklace. Just got to choose the colour now and send off for the kit so that I can send her ashes.
My brother collected mum’s and I asked him to put them in her bedroom. Leave them until you are ready and remember the ashes are not your mum. She is part of the spirit world now and the ashes are just something that she left you to remember her by.
The hairbrush will surface at some point - if not just ask your dad and he may be able to help. I have chosen the important things to me to bring Home to remember Mum by and it has helped. Everything takes time and don’t rush yourself.
Hi Lucy and Marigold,
I have my mum’s ashes here with me. I feel I wanted to have her at home. I felt a bit queasy at the thought of opening the box and taking some of the ashes out to have made in a ring so instead I had some of her hair set in coloured resin in a ring. You only need a very tiny amount - I snipped a couple of hairs into pieces and put them in the little container the company sent. I also got the ring inscribed on the inside. This is something you might like to consider if you too feel a bit concerned about opening the container of ashes. The lock of hair that the Marie Curie nurse took for me is in a little silver box. I also have her wedding ring that the Marie Curie nurse removed for me but I don’t wear it for fear of rubbing off her DNA!
Mum died on 16 February last year so I’m coming up to the anniversary. She was here with us at home and 48 weeks ago I was still trying to force liquids into her in the hope that I could save her. That day is engraved on my brain as “Desperate Sunday”. I gave up hope on the Monday when the doctor told us it was “end of life”. She died in the early hours of the Thursday.
The thing I like most about the forum - it’s full of people who loved their mums (and dads).
Losing your mum is the worse experience of your life so anything else including work tomorrow you will be able to cope with. Just do what you feel you can and if you can’t don’t worry about it. Take your time and be honest with your employer about how you feel and agree a phased return at your pace not their’s.
I go back next Monday (that week between us is becoming a benchmark). I feel apprehensive but I am not going to put myself under any pressure. My new mantra is “one day at a time”
Being a spiritual person I agree with Caroline about the ashes, they are not your mum. That was the remains of the physical body. It’s nice to have some of her things to comfort you and you have those and the comb will turn up, your mum will help you find it. The voicemail was so meant to be! That will when you are ready be a lovely source of comfort. Dad and I Whatsapped each other and I have a short video of his voice which when I am not too upset I play it.
What we all need to focus on is our loved one’s are at peace and no more suffering. It is us that are suffering not them.
I think getting back to a routine is good for us as it keeps us from thinking too much when we have other things to keep us busy and stops us from feeling ‘lost’
I write a journal everyday to dad and I really find this helps and keeps us “connected” but also spiritually I don’t actual believe that death separates us because love is eternal.
Let us know how it goes if you can.
Hope we all get some sleep soon as this wide awake club is not good!
