I’m very new to all this so please bare with me. I lost my mum at the weekend after one of the worst weeks of my life.
She had been very confused for about a week and she had visited the doctors and the walk in clinic twice (last Wednesday and Thursday) and been told twice that she had a water infection (2 urine tests) and been given a variety of antibiotics to take.
However she wasn’t showing any improvement, so Saturday morning came and she was cold and clammy but sweating and was struggling to walk. I was helping her get ready with the intention of taking her to the A and E but she then had a seizure. The ambulance came and took her in however she had a PEA arrest and another seizure on the way.
After they had ran some tests they realised that her blood was far too acidotic and her already poorly kidneys were now so bad she needed emergency dialysis. She was put into an induced coma and ventilated but they said if any treatment stopped she would die and was in ITU at this point.
They said that her blood acidity was getting slightly better but still wasn’t great. They suggested that we go home and rest which we did but a couple of hours later they rang to say that she had got worse and we should come back.
When we eventually arrived back they told us she had passed away very quickly.
Sorry for the long post, I’m just so upset and have had a bad stomach since this happened myself so I thought talking about this might help me a bit.
Oh Kelly. It was all so sudden, but it often is. My heart goes out to you at this time. It’s too early to talk about anything much until you get the funeral over and everything sorted.
Have you anyone close who you can talk to? It sounds as if you have.
You have reached out here and I’m so glad you have. It’s a good place to be among those who know the pain.
Your emotions will be raw for a while until you can take stock of your situation. Grief is a process that takes time. We all grieve in our own way and there is no way that is for everyone.
Take it easy, well, as easy as you can. Come back on here when you want. There are many kind folk here who are in the same boat as you. You are far from alone.
Blessings.
I’m so sorry to hear about the sudden loss of your mum. It is such early days that I’m not surprised you have a bad stomach. You are suffering shock, trauma and the loss of your mum.
My mum died suddenly 3 months ago. She suffered a massive brain hemorrhage just 15 minutes after a routine operation. No one knows why this happened, although the post mortem told us that the surgery was not related to the brain bleed and it was coincidental.
I had taken my mum to the hospital for her operation and was told I would be able to take her home the following day. The last thing I said to her was ‘cant wait to be laughing about this over a glass of wine in a few weeks’.
The shock of what I went through has been devastating.
I have suffered stomach problems ever since, have lost weight, dont sleep properly and spend all day every day thinking of what happened and how I can have lost her.
The pain is indescribable and I am sad all the time. Please look after yourself. I avoided alcohol in the first weeks and still dont touch it often even though I used to love nothing more than a glass of wine. I did alot of walking to help my mind and I ate little and often.
You will get through this, it just wont be easy.
Feel free to talk more about it, I find it has helped me so much.
Thank you everyone.
The thing I’m thinking about now is that I booked a mini break a couple of weeks ago and it is coming up soon. My mum really did want me to go but now I feel guilty about wanting to go. I think it will take my mind off things a bit.
Yes you must go on your mini break. Your mum wanted you to go and it may help you.
You mustnt feel guilty as you cannot change what has happened.
Having said that, I did take my daughter away for the week that mum was supposed to be on and I felt dreadful experiencing things that my mum should also have been doing with us. However I couldn’t let my daughter down and more importantly mum would have wanted us to go.
Try and enjoy your break as the next few weeks and months will be tough x
I wasn’t planning on going with my mum on the mini break and she always thought that she was holding me back from doing anything because I liked staying to look after her
Everything is normal when it comes to grief. There is no right or wrong and you must do as you want to. If that’s talking to your mum on your bed then that’s it.
My mum lived with me and I still feel as if she is just sitting in her room watching tv or going to offer me a cup of tea when I walk in the kitchen. Its such a surreal thing losing her and I dont think we will ever get over this x
I know and it’s a constant wave of emotions.there are moments when I think I can handle this and then there are others when I just break down and cry like a baby and dont know how I am ever going to cope again.
All I can say is that its 14 weeks tomorrow I last saw mum and i have got this far. If you told me 4 months ago that my healthy, happy, funny mum would be dead in a few weeks I would have said you may as well kill me now because I wont survive that.
But I have survived and I will continue to nj matter how sad I am.
It was a week ago now that this nightmare started. I’m not sure how I feel but I’m worried that I’ll fall apart when I start going back to work. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t look on the bright side so I suppose I’ve always prepared myself for the worse in all situations. Is anyone else like that
Hi Kel
Nothing prepares any of us for the shock and trauma of losing a loved one. We all cope or don’t cope in many different ways. Grief is raw, painful, personal and has no set process. All you can do is take it one step at a time as you slowly begin to piece it all together. Your emotions will be all over the place whilst you try to seek a balance between the world you one knew with mum in it and the one you now find yourself in without. There is no normal, no right, no wrong and no answers. Your mind and body is currently absorbing the shock. Take your time and allow whatever you feel to come up and only do what you are able to do. A break away may help you gain a bit of strength and distance and time to take in the enormity of all that has happened.
Seek support if you need it or spend time alone, again whatever you feel is right for you.
Lyn
Lyn makes some really good points.
Just to add to this please dobt feel the need to be ‘strong’ for anyone.
I was told to be strong and only cry at night when my daughter us in bed. First of all this was not possible as I am an emotional person and unable to switch them on or off to order.
Secondly over the last 14 weeks, I have cried in front of the gardener, the postman and a door to door salesman.
The only think that I believe has got me through is crying whenever I have felt the need or whenever my body has decided. I am at a stage where I will be feeling ok and just suddenly cry for with absolutely no warning. I am returning to work shortly and have prepared my line manager. I cry and will cry in front of them. Being ‘strong’ does nothing but suppress feelings which will come back up to the surface at an unwanted point in the future.
All the old british behaviours of keeping a stiff upper lip, replacing the loss and being strong are incorrect and unhelpful.
I think panic attacks are normal but I will say that I have had some and I’ve been to my doctor, been assessed by thinkaction which is part of the nhs, been categorised as moderately psychologically distressed and I’m now on a waiting list for CBT therapy.
Please seek help as soon as you can because these things take time
Those first few days are very hard but try and get out every day for a walk if you can. A good hours walk really clears the mind and helps. It also helps to get of of the four walls that you shared with your mum. When is your mini break?