My beautiful mum died yesterday

My mum died yesterday and I am in so much pain, she was never ill and hadn’t been in hospital until she was diagnosed with a brain tumour in May this year. My happy, healthy mum was robbed by the tumour. I miss her and want her back… I don’t know what to do and I’m scared xx

Hello Cheryl

I was so sad to see your post. My mum went the same way as yours recently after a short illness. Of course you miss her and want her back, you loved her.

Take each day as it comes and please don’t be scared. This forum has lots of people who will be happy to chat, myself included.

Mel
Xx

Hi Mel
Thank you for your reply, when did you lose your mum? It’s so hard and today I have so much to sort out,?i miss my mum so so much and I feel scared how sad I feel… xx

Hi

I lost her in the summer and it feels like yesterday. The sorting out is horrible but are just procedures you have to go through. Keep as strong as you can and don’t forget to eat! I found soup was very comforting and easy to eat.

I have been thinking about you all day and wondering how you were.

Mel
Xx

Hi Mel, this morning I was in a mess, this afternoon I have been busy making calls so taken my mind off things a bit. It still doesn’t seem real, I just want the next couple of weeks done as want to enjoy her funeral and start taking a day at a time. Thanks for your tips, I couldn’t eat yesterday but have today. I really am sorry about your mum passing away in the summer, she sounds very special to you, do you cry a lot? I keep just being ok and then just sobbing, it’s horrible xx

Hi Cheryl,

I have been told crying is good as it helps relieve the tension for you. I still cry every day when I wake up and remember what has happened. Yes taking each day as it comes works well. A friend who lost their father just before my bereavement said their life was just an existence at the moment which I think sums it up well. Working towards making your Mum’s funeral special is lovely.

Hope you get some sleep tonight.

Mel xx

Oh Mel, I can really feel your pain and you waking up crying is heartbreaking, I hope that gets easier in time. I’m trying to think of positives to keep me going. Tomorrow I’m going to start going through her house, so intrusive but has to be done. I have just been looking online at funeral ideas and I want to make it special. Nothing will ever be good enough for my mum though. I hope I sleep, I’m so tired but it’s scary at night xx

Hi Cheryl

Wondering how you are getting on? Hope the arrangements are sorting out alright for your Mum’s funeral. I felt the worst was over when the death certificates were organised. That felt so grim and final.

I am sure whatever you organise will be perfect for your Mum. Also make it special for you, something to remember and look back on. Choosing a really lovely photograph for the order of service if you are having one was something I strangely enjoyed.

Mel
Xx

Hi Mel, nice to hear from you. How are you and how has this week been for you? I sorted the death cert and I agree it was horrible, Wednesday was rough. Yesterday was a bit more bareable and organising the wake is giving me great pleasure, I have loads of little things I have organisied and it really will be special, the funeral is all sorted and again I am so pleased with everything. My friend is a vicar, I have known him since I was 11 and he knows the family well and he is doing the service and my mum will be put next to the. I stage in his church up the road from me which is nice. I just have moments of utter grief and sob so much and then I’m ok for a bit, it’s still hard to believe xx

Oh and I took your advice and bought some soup and nice bread to have :slight_smile: xx

Hi Cheryl

How are you getting on? Expect you have got the funeral over now and really hope it was beautiful and a suitable tribute for your Mum.

Mel

Hi Mel
How are you? Yes the funeral was last week and it was perfect and well worth the two weeks of planning for the celebration of her life afterwards. I am back at work and am suprisngly doing ok. My strength, motivation and resilience is remarkable. I have strategies in place which is helping, I still miss my mum so much but I am doing ok. I have to wonder if my grieving started in May when she had the diagnosis as I was in a terrible state in May and June. Thanks so much for thinking of me and it would be nice to know how you’re doing too xx

Hi Cheryl

Glad to hear you are doing OK. I have good days and bad. Not so good today as have been clearing out some of Mum’s things and feels awful doing it.

I think I didn’t really believe what was happening when Mum was ill as she looked and seemed so well until very near the end and nursing her took all my energy. Now has really hit home the reality.

Mel

Hi Mel
I know what you mean, I am in process of clearing my mums house and it feels so intrusive, I’m always apologising to her saying that I hate doing this and deciding what goes in the tip/I keep/sell on eBay. I can’t wait to get it all done. Try and remember that your mum would have only wanted you to do that part. Yes kind of similar with my mum, it sounds like she was in a peaceful place though and had you untl the end. Have you been to any support groups? I am too busy at the moment butt have found one local to me, I am also having some counselling free with Macmillan which is really useful, can you access anything like that? X

Hi Cheryl

I keep saying I will see about getting some counselling but leave it as am being put under such pressure to clear Mum’s things prior to the house being sold. The other executor of Mum’s will, a close relative, is not at all sympathetic and just wants it all done and the house sold. I live here so the bulk of the clearing is considered my role despite me trying to hold down a job too. I can only do a small part a day before finding something that triggers off tears. Going through Mum’s jewellery was very painful I found.

I am going on a short holiday next weekend which I am going to use to do some thinking about the future and whether to see my Docter on the return and get referred for some help.

Mel

Hi Cheryl and Mel,

I have just read your posts. I am so sorry to hear about you both losing your Mums.
My Mum died in September 2011 but my Dad died a month ago today on the 15/10, the same day I believe that your Mum died Cheryl. My Dad had been particularly ill since being admitted to hospital on June 1st, where he spend most of his time (in two hospitals) before dying at Moggerhanger Hospice. I am sure I started my grieving since this day as I it was not a sudden shock like when my Mum died who was only really seriously ill for 24 hours. Losing both parents is so awful. I have not cleared the house and am under no pressure to do so thankfully. I am just taking each day as it comes and returning to work on Monday. Take care both of you.

Thanks for your reply Julie and losing both parents must feel awful, so 15-10 was a sad day for you too, I agree that my grief started in 12-05 as that’s when we got my mums diagnosis, worst day of my life. You sound really strong though Julie, one day at a time. Mel, I have my mums jewellery boxes under my bed, I can’t face going through that yet. I am doing from 12-4 with my dad and brother clearing more of the house today, I just want it done as it’s exhausting. I work too and we can only do so much, the other relative may be like me and just grieves differently, it must be putting a strain on the relationship for you both, have you got somewhere to live when the house gets sold? Where are you going on your little holiday? I think that will really do you good, I have booked a break too on 1/12 as the house should all be sorted and my mums little memorial is at the end of the month so I feel I need some time out as doing all her affairs/house/arranging wake and funeral mainly by myself etc has meant I haven’t really had any time to grieve. I just hope I don’t get really depressed x

Hi Cheryl

Hope clearing today goes well and glad you have support doing it. My relative’s sole interest in the house contents is what is worth any money and can be sold. Yes agree their grieving is different to mine but has been a problem person for some years sadly with major aggression issues. Very controlling too as is older than me.

I have decided to bag up all the jewellery and sort out at my leisure. It is ‘worthless’ as is costume so no arguments there! As yet i have nowhere to move to, cannot really go ahead until probate is granted and the house put on the market. Will rent in the short term if i need to.

I am going for a short break in Africa, i want something completely new that will take my mind off everything. I have travelled a lot on my own and like my own company so no concerns there. I think the space to really think through my future is what i need at the moment and whether that will include my relative or not. That sounds harsh i know but i have to think of myself and my health over all this.

How lovely to have a memorial for your Mum. I have Mum’s ashes in her bedroom until the time is right to have them interred. I am keen for her sisters to come to that event but want it to be quite low key.

Take care
Mel

House clearing seems never ending, quite sad as found a couple of cards she had written and never given out, probably because she was so poorly and couldn’t write properly. Starts to then feel surreal what has happened.

Africa sounds brilliant, what an adventure and you have to do what’s right for you, it will give you a new lease of life and give you some grieving and thinking time. You don’t need controlling, aggressive people in your life and you sound clever enough and dealing with it all really well. Good you can go through your mums jewellery when you want to, I’m going to do the same :slight_smile: xx

That is so sad about the cards. My mum seemed to keep every thank you letter she was ever sent from my cousin’s children. Little drawings and cards, seems so sad to throw them away. Have found several sketch books of drawings and paintings Mum did, she went to art classes and some of the pictures are lovely. No way are they being thrown away!

You too sound as if you are doing well. Hope it continues for both of us.

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