Thank you all of you who have posted about losing your Mothers. I lost mine too on 9th February and am feeling every emotion possible which I think is normal. She was 91 and lived independently about a fifteen minute walk from me. I saw her at least twice a week and spoke to her twice a day. I am angry that she kept safe for a year after Covid struck, staying away from shops when they were open but going for her little walks every other day when weather permitted. She fell out of bed in January and had not realised the extent of damage she had done to her vertebrae. We tried to keep her out of hospital so as not to expose her to the virus but after a week of agony and pain killers not working the paramedics took her to hospital. I had to approach the patient liaison services on two occasions to complain about the care she was being given the first week she was admitted. Bed rest flat on her back had been ordered after an x-ray showed she had fractured her sacrum and during that time she was unable to reach anything and was left one night lying in her urine until the morning shift nurses came on duty. The management had to discipline a member of staff but with no visitors and such difficulty in comminicating with my Mum I believe she was losing the will to carry on. After 3 weeks in the ward another patient contracted Covid and inevitably it spread like wild fire. My poor Mum got symptoms after 3 days and 3 days later she died. I take comfort from my call to her the day before she died when she told me she just wanted to die and that she had had a good life. But I wished I could have been with her.
There is so much to be grateful for and yet I can’t get rid of this painful hole. I am 65 years old and my Mum has always been the one to have my back no matter what. She has supported me through bringing up my own family, any work choices that I have ever made, any financial difficulty I have ever been in, my divorce almost 20 years ago. She did not suffer for too long and she was pretty active up to the end.
I know that this pandemic has been so hard for elderly people who so desperately need the social interaction with their own age group. My Mum was also positive saying that it can’t last forever and her little clubs would soon be opening up and she would be able to mix again with her buddies.
I know it’s early days in my grief and my Mum’s funeral was only 3 weeks ago but the sadness seems to get more intense each day. Sundays are the worst day for me as we always spent the day together and people seem to be tied up with family which is understandable. It makes me feel so alone especially now that the weather is improving and I see lots of people out walking and having fun.
As others have mentioned in this community, I put on a brave face for family and some people just don’t know how to deal with other people’s grief. In a way I’m glad I live on my own because I can cry as much as I want without somebody thinking they need to fix me. For me it is pointless to think that anyone could understand how I feel or what I am going through unless they have had the same experience. So I am not judging people who say ‘the wrong things’; instead I am avoiding having conversations about my Mum with people who don’t get it.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It really helps to know I’m not alone and different.
Oh Angela, you are so not alone, there are plenty of people who have gone through what you’re going through and are still suffering, not that helps you, as you said it’s early days, and grieving is a normal process, it’s what we have to go through if we love somebody, like you I find Sunday a really difficult day as people are all out having a lovely time together and you are alone, I do hope you find some help from this site, sending love Jude xx
Angela, I too live alone, was exceptionally close to my mum, and find weekends the most painful. I lost my mum in January, and every day there are little reminders that pop up which still feel like I’m being stabbed. The new series of programmes we used to watch together. New films I know she would have liked. Visiting my brother’s little ones/ her grandkids who she’s missing out on. Her redirected mail I get to sort out, along with the never ending (it feels) string of post-passing admin. Sorry I’m rambling, I just wanted you to know your post struck deeply with me, and you’re not alone in feeling this way. X
Thank you also for posting back to me. I too am having to deal with all my Mum’s affairs on my own as although I have two brothers, they live in California. Everything is taking so much longer because of the pandemic too so it is a great lesson in tolerance and patience.
Glad not to feel so alone with everything. Thank you x
Thank you for your support and kind words. I have read your story and can understand how you are struggling. Some say ‘she was a good age’ which although true doesn’t make it any better. In fact because she was a good age, therefore with me for so long, the loss is greater. I would imagine it is the same for you too. Take care and thank you.
My mom is almost 90.
She is in a home and I cannot visit her since the year before last.
I would go every year to visit. I call her every other day.
She is in the islands. That makes it difficult too.
Your post made me cry.
They have COVID-19 on the island but it’s not awful there. She had her first shot and probably getting the other really soon. She got an upset stomach and felt achy. That’s all that I could get from that. a lil confused at some stuff but I think she still knows who I am when I call.
I am sorry that you had to go through your ordeal
It seems that you did everything you could for her, keeping her out of the hospital as much as you could.
Sorry my post made you cry but I’ve been told crying is very healing. It’s good that your Mum has had her first vaccination. My Mum was due to get hers the day after she was admitted to hospital so missed out on it unfortunately. Let’s hope the travel restrictions will be lifted soon and you will be able to visit your Mum soon. Mum’s are very precious
Thanks Anne, hopefully you will feel a bit more like looking for your new home when you heal a little. I am trying to think positive and look on this as another chapter in my life. I’m sure our Mums would not want us to be unhappy. Take care…we will get through this…
Angela I feel your pain and anger at your Mum’s treatment in hospital. My Mum was treated very badly by some nurses and it hurts so much to think about this.
I identify with a lot of what you say, particularly about putting on a brave face. I have a public face. I live on my own and I am so glad I do, I can cry whenever I want (and I do) and be myself.
It really feels as though no-one else understands what you’re going through, doesn’t it. And people seem to melt away after the funeral which is the time when you need support the most but I’ve developed a hard shell and I’d rather people didn’t ask me as you feel obliged to say you’re OK but you know they don’t really want to hear how you truly are.
I have found this forum to be a huge help, just to know you’re not alone in your feelings and other people here really do get it. I hope it helps you too xx
Thank you so much for your response to my post NJL. It’s so nice to know that others feel the same way. I have found that only people who have had pain with bereavement themselves know how to handle my present state. And that’s okay…I don’t expect people to understand, but as you say I’d rather they didn’t ask how I was.
I am in the process of clearing a lot of my Mum’s personal effects from her flat. I try to spend an hour or so a couple of times a week and although at first I found it upsetting and sad, I am now finding great comfort ‘reliving’ some of the lovely events in her life. She was very organised but did keep an awful lot of ‘stuff’. It’s teaching me a lesson not to hoard unnecessary ‘treasures’ that I can’t bear throwing or giving away, only to have my survivors the task of several charity shop visits!!
I have two brothers who don’t live in the UK so I am left with the task of dealing with all my Mum’s affairs. And in some ways, although I have had a couple of friends offer to help clear my Mum’s flat, it just doesn’t seem right to have people outside her direct family sorting through her things. I’m not sure if that’s just me or whether other people feel like that. Mum was a very private person and to me it just seems wrong so although it will take some time to complete the job I’d rather honour her privacy.