My boyfriends grief is ripping our relationship apart

Hi . Im in desperate need of help. Back in september my bf suddenly lost his twin sister to suicide. Bit of back ground info . He hadnt been in contact with her for over ten years and althou they were very close as kids , they havent had a relationship for a while . They both suffered Childhood trauma which led to my bf moving from his home town and purposely not having contact with his family . It sent his sister another way which led her to drugs inorder to cope. He says he feel guilty for leaving her and that he should have been ther to stop her going down that path .ive tried to explain to him he did what he needed to do for
him and that he hadnt had contact for a reason . So in september we were told she had past and its completely distroying my bf. .obviously he had to go home for the funeral and to sort out her flat. .which obviously i was ok with . But he started to take his anger out on me the slightest thing i asked about , when he was going and coming back things i needed to know due to work n having children seemed to be a issue for him . Once again he went back a few weeks later for his mothers bday . (Again hes not had a relationship with his mom due to her part in his childhood ) this time he didnt tell me till 2 days before he was going . This angered me as i needed to sort work and the kids . I felt completely disreguarded , like he had zero concern for me or the children or the fact that he felt he was doing no wrong by not informing me . Or checking in with me . Since september ther has barely been a day were we havent argued i try and try and every time it ends in him doing something else causing a row to which he never ever takes responsibility for. He never says sorry and will never admit hes in the wrong . Ive been very lucky in my life to have never lost anyone close to me as of yet , and i know it sounds like im being petty but i feel so alone , so isolated and completely confused. Confused because hes acting like he saw her everyday and had a close relationship with her were in reality he didnt He had no relationship with her or his family because they used him for money or to play sick games with for there amusment .i got intouch with a grief councilor for him as nothing i was saying or doing was helping . Hes waiting for the face to face apointment Am i being selfish? Im tryin to understand how his grief can be this deep when he had no relationship with her. I feel so bad for feeling like this (I recently found out he had spent 300 pound on a washer for his mom, which again caused a row) not sure how long i can go on like this. The arguments, his anger , the way hes treating me i cant keep doing this. He so nice one minute and horrible the next , hes the only person that can put me on cloud 9 and lower than a worms grave in the next breath. What do i do? Do i hold on or let this relationship go before it destroys me to . I dont know how to help him without that happening. Please help

Firstly, I’m not a specialist, so whatever I say might not be 100% accurate!
When we lose someone, we mourn both the good and bad. Guilt and remorse seem to be
a repeated theme on these pages. Guilt is the big one. People feel guilty for what they didn’t do or for missed opportunities. Even very small issues, can become major ones.
It doesn’t matter whether they’re actually guilty or not. It’s how “they feel”.

Often people wonder ‘if they’d done something’ - then they could have changed the outcome. The “What if’s”. Regrets are very painful.

You don’t need to have a good relationship with someone to grieve them deeply. People do grieve bad and dysfunctional relationships. The fact that he hadn’t seen his sister for a long time doesn’t matter, when it comes to loss. Spending £300 on his Mum is pretty normal, even if it’s a poor relationship. (Unless, of course money is very tight in the home.)

The above is definitely not meant, as lecture. (You do sound at the end of your tether!)
I’m just offering a very small insight into guilt and grief.

Regarding, your partners aggression. Only, you can work out whether his anger is grief related or whether is a long term issue.
If the aggression has gone on a long time, then I suggests you read "Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.

When people grieve - they grieve both the good and the bad. It’s a lucky person who has only good memories.
Loss is painful experience. Often, it takes a long time to process. You should not be continually treated badly in the process.
For your own sanity, I’d say take a step back and let him get on with his grieving process. IMHO, there is only so much a partner can do anyway.
Support yes! A doormat definitely not! Self matters!
Take care.


Thanks for your reaponse . To be honest i havent spoken to anyone else about this so any advice is welcome. I know it sounds petty about the 300 pound but it only bothered me as she only ever wanted him in the past for money or buying things but no proper relationship with him. So ye it bothered me when in less than a month being back intouch with them he had already spent 300 pound. . He says he misses his sister ., when i asked what he misses he said the chance to do right by her tell her he loved her and maybe help her to stop the drugs. I understand this part of it i really do .ive tried to be supportive and back off but i genuinely do feel like a single person atm . Hes throwing himself into working constantly and when he is home its like he duznt wana be there and its constant egg shells for me and the kids . The slightest thing sets him off . If i try n speak to him about it . He calls me grateful and alsorts. Then he blocks me from social media blanks my messages n calls .its serverly effecting me mentally atm How do i aproach him about this without is seeming like i want a row . I cant keep doing it