I’ve seen other posts on here about pretending to be strong and telling others “I’m ok” but I’ve found recently that the reality is quite different.
I lost my wonderful Mum suddenly just over 9 weeks ago, and at first I seemed to cope (all that paperwork!). But now things are trailing off, the phone calls and visits have slowed and I’m left more and more on my own. So when others do contact me, I just say “oh , I’m fine. Doing ok”. Is this wrong? Should I keep putting a brave face on it, or should I tell them how I really feel? The truth is that the reality of the future stretching out in front of me, on my own, for however many years I have left is starting to terrify me. I get out, I’m trying to make new friends but I’m not the most confident of people and so I’m finding that a bit hard.
I just wondered if anyone had gone through anything similar and if they had any advice to offer as I’m struggling to find a way forward.
But I hope some of you can have a better day. Sending love, strength and hugs to anyone who needs them.
(Sorry for moaning, but I have nowhere else to turn and I’ve found a lot of comfort and advice in the community before).
Please dont feel that you need to put a mask on all the time Sheena - you are really early in your grief, and there is nothing wrong with being honest about how you are feeling. Its healthy to do so - holding all that grief inside and not sharing it can leave you incredibly isolated. For me it felt like a dam ready to burst because the grief built up and needed an outlet. Talking to others doesn’t take the pain away, but it can feel lighter knowing you are not alone.
Its also a question of time and place - if you are in a work environment you may need to maintain a professional facade during the day and so a simple “im fine” to a work colleague is sometimes whats needed. Its about recognising the people who are just asking “how are you” out of politeness and just want a brief response, and those friends/family who truly want to know how you are, that you can open up to. Hopefully you have some of the latter in your mix - you may find the people you expected to be a great support are not, and that others you least expected are the ones you can really talk to. But dont feel that you need to put a brave face on Sheena - your true friends will want to support you. Equally there are those who dont necessarily deserve to hear your grief, because its a very vulnerable thing to open your heart when youre already hurting. You get to pick and choose the times to just politely say “ im doing as well as can be expected” and the times when its feels safe to share your true feelings with someone who you know truly cares
Thank you Ally for your comforting words. It means a lot to know there are others out there who understand what I’m going through and are kind enough to offer their support.
Hi Sheena, I was going to respond, but I couldn’t improve on what @Ally6 has said.
For me, it was very important to realise that some people really ask you how you are out of politeness, in passing. It doesn’t mean they are at all bad people, just be grateful that they didn’t cross the road when they saw you.
On the other hand there are those who “turn up” deliberately to see you, they make an effort. They really do want you to talk about it. They’ll just have a cuppa, and sit with you through the odd emotional breakdown. They will touch you on the arm, and are always available for a hug.
I had about 8 people who were like this, I called them “team tykey!”. After about 6 months, when I was beginning to get my act together, I took them all out for a meal to show my gratitude.
So sorry you are going through this. It is early days for you - sending . As has been said I can’t add much more than @Ally6 has said. But I have also noticed some people ask out of politeness and I’m not sure what they would say if I said ‘hanging on by a thread.’ But there are also some colleagued and friends that genuinely want to know how I am doing. Some dear friends have just listened and been there for me when I have cried when talking about mum. So hopefully you will come to know who you can talk freely with in time. Take care of yourself as best as you can and know that people here do understand xx
Thank you all so much for your lovely kind words. It means so much to me.
I think I’m struggling so much because I looked after my Mum and I was with her all day everyday and now there’s such a gaping hole in my life that I now have to fill.
I have family, but I don’t want to bother them (my auntie - Mum’s younger sister - passed away 6 days after my Mum, so they’ve got their own troubles to deal with and I don’t want to be a burden. But unfortunately now I’m somewhat isolated and don’t really have any good friends I can call on. I go out to my local mental health cafe, where I’m meeting new people, but I’m a very shy person and I do find it difficult but I know for my own sake I have to try.
I’m sorry to go on so much, but this community is one place where I can be honest and let my true feelings out - and I need to do that.
So thank you for your lovely and support, and I’m sending it back to those who need it. Take care everyone
I do understand about that gaping hole Sheena as I was caring for Mum too. I totally understand you not wanting to be a burden on your aunts family, but theres a possibility that her children/family are feeling exactly the same as you right now, and not knowing where to turn, so they might appreciate talking to someone who “gets it”. Youre right, they may not be the right people to offer support because they are hurting as well, but just that connection and empathy can help. My mums brother died 6 months after mum, leaving my aunt behind, and whilst we are very different personalities and deal with our grief differently, we have a certain level of understanding between us of that shared pain.
It’s hard when you don’t have anyone who can be on Team Me, I’m in that spot too and it’s terribly lonely. Like others have said, you quickly realise who you can open up to, even a little, and who just ask out of politeness and don’t really want to hear how bad it is. It’s not everyone who understand, but if you find those who listen, it will feel natural to be honest.
I know how you feel Ulma. Grief is a terribly lonely place to be, and having no close friends has made it harder.
I’m joining local groups to try to get to know people, but because you’re the “newbie” it’s sometimes really hard to join in. I don’t want to upset the balance of the group or tread on anyone’s toes but I could really do with some friends right now. Also I’m naturally very shy and find it difficult to make friends.
However, these new people I try to meet know me now “post-grief” when I’m a different person to the one I was before my Mum passed away. I’m not sure if that makes it easier or not at the moment, but I wish I had someone to reminisce with about my Mum as my family don’t seem to want to talk about her with me. Both her sisters have passed too so there’s no one to ask if I forget something she’s told me.
This is a lonely path in a club that we never ever wanted to join, isn’t it?
But the one good thing I try to remember is that I am so lucky to have had my Mum and Dad as my parents. I couldn’t have wished for better.
. As has been said I can’t add much more than 
