My dad and I coping after losing my mum

What do I do, 5 months on and I’m still going to my dads at the weekend, cooking and cleaning while he sits around.

I don’t even feel like I’ve had a proper start on grieving for my mum. My dad forgets that I’m grieving too.

I have to do a 50 mile round trip to him and the last 5 months I have been every weekend. When I was off sick from work I was staying in the week and having hardly any time at home. I have a very understanding partner.

I am absolutely exhausted, I need a break but my dad isn’t helping himself much when I’m there!

I know my mum would be cross with how my dad is treating me. I don’t know how to deal with this but I know I need to as I feel like I’m heading for a breakdown.

I miss my mum, she was my person and if I had a problem she was the one I’d speak to. Xx

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Hello @Bee2023 ,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. It sounds as though things are very difficult for you and your dad at the moment and you are feeling as though you are not having the time to grieve. Everyone manages grief in their own unique way and this can be really difficult.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share these links with you to help you with your grief.

You might already be familiar with our other Online Bereavement Support services, but if not, you can find out more about our Online Counselling service, our Grief Coach text support service, and our Grief Guide self-help tools by visiting the link.

You may also find this Sue Ryder article useful, take a read when you feel ready Losing a parent - coping with the death of a parent | Sue Ryder

Take care - keep reaching out,

Alex

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Bee,

Do your dad and your partner have a good enough relationship such that your partner could do, say, 1 weekend in 4?

My dad is missing my mum’s company in the house, the atmosphere has now gone he’s able to do stuff for himself cooking his own washing, the other stuff like shopping taking rubbish out etc he’s not able too he’s 91 and his mobility is not great it’s shopping day today then I’ll do some cleaning for him, seen as it’s been left to me to look after him now mum has gone, but hey ho that’s life x

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I’ve managed to install a cat in my mum’s house :joy::rofl:. She’s my cat, but since I’ve been staying with mum so too has she. I really wanted her to stay, so that mum has company, and it seems as though she is going to be doing. But I’m lucky in that I work from home, and so I’ll be working from my mum’s house every day, and staying over 3 nights a week. My friend said “Yes, and over time you can dial that (the number of nights I stay over) back.” and I was like, nope, it’s going to be hard enough going back to an empty house (mine) 4 nights a week!

Can you move him closer to you? When my grandma died, my dad moved my grandad to a house near my mum and dad. My grandad was reluctant at first but in time he saw the benefits of moving. It drastically reduced my dad’s stress levels, and it meant that my grandad was able to avoid going into a care home until he was 99. But my grandad didn’t have a network of friends and family around him, so he wasn’t being taken away from anyone; what about your dad, does he socialise with people near him?

I’m so sorry for your loss. :heart: Do you have any siblings or other relatives that could help? Or does your dad have friends nearby that you could talk to, that might visit him? If not, moving him closer, like Burgled said, is a good option. It might take away the stress for you both.

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He does have some friends and one of my mum’s brothers visits and takes him out a lot. He wants to stay where he is for now as it’s where they lived together for 30 years. Plus my mum died at home so he wants to be ‘near’ her.

In time he might change his mind but he has so much stuff that he couldn’t downsize at all.

I have a half brother who lives in the same area as me but doesn’t stay or do any jobs. He occasionally takes him out.

I just really struggle as I work full time and have my own jobs at home to do. I have a life threatening chronic illness myself and find I get wiped out doing his housework as well.

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Oh no, that sounds really tough. Would it be possible to get a cleaner in, leaving the weekends free for you two to spend quality time together?