My dad died

My dad died exactly one month ago.
He was taken to hospital after a fall. He had ulcers that got infected. Two days later he died in the hospital of sepsis. He just kept saying over and over that he just wanted to go home. I felt terrible and have so much guilt for not being able to take him home. I held him as he took his last breath. He didn’t need to die. It’s his fault for refusing to see a doctor for so long. When he finally did see a nurse it was the nurses fault for not detecting infection even though I was begging to give him antibiotics. It was my fault for not forcing him to see a doctor sooner.
I’m numb one minute, sad, frightened, alone, angry. But mainly numb. Confused too. How am I getting up and going to work everyday? How am I still eating when the most important person in my life has gone and I’ll never see him again?
How do I live the rest of my life without my best friend, my protector?

Katekate, you are so full of guilt and that can be normal after a loved one goes but non of it was your fault or anyone else’s, it’s life’s and sometimes it wants to bite us back but don’t let it, it’s just you grieving for your lovely father. One way or the other it was his time to go, even when we think it’s not. Our loved ones have other things to do and when the time comes we have no control, so feeling guilty is normal. You were there when he needed you and he would know that going back home was not possible but where was home at that particular time for him? He know but you you may have thought he meant his own bed, something for you to think about.
Grieving is not a simple process and you show all the normal things most of us go through, sleep, food, drink,and work, normal everyday things which now seem impossible, that’s grieving, sorry to say, so many on this website are going through just the same process and it’s not easy, in fact all on this site are going through this thing called grieving. Take care of yourself and try to carry on as normal because that is what he would want you to do.
Blessings S

Thank you. I don’t know about everyone else but I find myself thinking and knowing the advice you and others have given me and yet the other part of my brain is ignoring it. I think ‘you shouldn’t be feeling guilty and anger and denial are normal.’ And then the other part of me ignores what I’ve just said.
I dreamed about him for the first time last night since he died. It’s made me feel better and worse at the same time.

Yes it’s all normal, what ever normal is and dreaming about them has that two edge sword affect. The one I love most, is when I am not sure how to do something, from nowhere comes the answer and I can do the job. The first time was a maths thing and I know I couldn’t work it out but yes I did. Then afterwards you are left again all alone but still feeling good/bad at the same time. Look for the good and remember that tomorrow is another day.

I don’t know why but I feel better when I’m crying. I feel closer to my dad when I do it. I wish I could cry more. I don’t know why I’m not. I want to feel the pain deeply and let it all out but it’s just coming out in tiny bits. There’s only nothing nothing and more nothing on the surface but there’s deep despair bubbling away inside ready to explode. I wish it would just happen and leave me in peace. This slow torment is killing me. Does that make sense?

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