My dad's remains

Two months on from my dad’s passing, my sister wants to scatter my dad’s remains. I heard this in very vague and abstract terms from my mum. I feel it’s too soon however I know that she is desperate to eradicate all memory of him (basically like he is a bit of s*** on her shoe). I just feel she is trying to get rid of every last reminder of him and I can’t even begin to understand the callousness of her actions. Is she doing this because she is older than me and she feels she is taking “control” of the situation or is she exactly what my gut says she is!!!

This is the lady that took nearly 5 hours to come over to support my mum when my dad died to avoid seeing “his dead body” and refused to join us in the car as following the hearse was “too sad” and her husband didn’t know his way to the Crematorium (ummm big black car driving slow)
and also argued with my teen son not to carry my dad’s coffin as it would be “too upsetting for him”. I think she is evil. I can’t explain her actions or reactions anymore and it makes my blood boil that she can treat my dad and who he was as an inconvenience

Hi gayle,

We have spoken before. Sorry you are still struggling with your dads passing. Unfortunately I am still struggling terribly with my mums death and I am 4 months down the line.
My sister and I are very different and are only 1 year apart in age. My sister thinks you live, you die and its very sad but life goes on. She was back in work the day after mum died and her family hardly mention mum. For that reason I avoid visiting them. I took 3 months off work, cry every day and dont know how I will live the rest of my life without her.
However I do accept that my sister is grieving just in a very different way.
While I was unable to sit at my mums bedside when she was on life support,my sister held her hand the whole time.
While I couldn’t even be there when the vicar gave mum her last rites, my sister stayed. I couldn’t visit my mum in the chapel of rest or say goodbye to her. I was so heartbroken but my sister was great on that last day.
We scattered mums ashes on the 17th october, just 4 months after mums death, not because I wanted to eradicate her but because I wanted to lay her to rest beside her parents and my dad back in south london where her roots are. I miss her more and more each day and miss her ashes at home but felt that scattering her was the last physical thing we could do for her.
Could you sit down with your mum and sister and discuss this together in a civilised way? Perhaps consider what your dad would have wanted and what your mum wants?
Thinking about where your mums ashes would go when her time comes?
Losing our parent is the hardest thing we have ever been through. No decision is easy at this time.
Let us know how you get on.
Cheryl x

I’m so sorry. Have you tried telling them that it is far too early for you to cope well with this? Could you perhaps ask for a small potion of his ashes for yourself?

Hi Gayle

It’s a shame you and your sister don’t seem to get on…especially at a hard time like this.

Maybe your sister just wants to scatter them so it’s not a constant reminder? Even tho she doesn’t show it - surely it was still her dad and she still loved him? For me…i scattered my mums ashes as soon as possible after the funeral, within days In fact. Not because I don’t care etc but it was too painful to keep seeing them sitting there, I didn’t find it comforting and if I’m honest it freaked me out to know that was my mum, now in a little pot…just gone just like that…whereas I know others chose and find it comforting to keep them close for many years, it is personal preference. Could you not ask the funeral directors to keep a small portion for yourself for you to do as you wish with them??

She lives 70 miles away so seeing my dad’s ashes aren’t a reminder. In fact she also kept her distance from him in his latter years and boy that hurt him. She said a few days before he died that she wouldn’t be in a hurry to come over to see him again due to roadworks. It’s not a case that I don’t get on with her. It’s just her motivation and thought processes that seem odd

Yes I have. but she is concerned that they are taking up valuable space in my mum’s house. A house that she herself does not live in

Ok that does seem strange.
I still think you should all sit down to discuss this. Its such a big decision that you all need to agree on. I wanted to scatter my mum and dad at sea but my sister wasnt happy and wanted them scattered in the crematorium near her parents grave. I reluctantly gave in and I’m so glad I did now as it feels so right to have scattered them where we did.

Can you try and voice your upset and concern to your Mum? Tell her that you don’t feel ready?

I would prefer to hold on to my dad and when my mum’s time comes scatter them together. That’s what my mum would like too but being dictated to otherwise *sigh

I did and have. My mum agrees that my suggestion was fitting but…

Then if that’s what your mum wants thars what should happen. You both tell your sister they are being kept safe until your mum goes and then they get scattered together. Get your mum to decide on a place where they will be scattered.
My dad died 21 years ago and we held onto his ashes all this time. We could never decide what to do with them and they were in a wardrobe, then the airing cupboard then a year ago the garage.
However, when mum died suddenly in June it became abundantly clear that we had been holding on to them so mum and dad could be scattered together. I’m passionate that this was the right thing to do and it was lovely doing this for them.
Your mum needs to make her feelings clear and tell your sister.
I’m sure she is only trying to help in her own way x

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I thought that my late husband would want his ashes scattering at a country park where he took our dog Polly.
However our daughter and son told me that their dad had told them that he would want his ashes scattering where we used to walk when we were courting.
I am really touched by this, I cannot do it, because of my inability to walk very far, so it is in their hands.