My Dear Mum's passing

I lost my mum very suddenly on 27th February this year… My heart and whole being is completely broken…

She had been staying with me most of the time throughout Covid and I was looking after/caring for her. I’m an only child and have no partner, children or any other family really. We were always very close and were the best of friends :heart::broken_heart::heart: Over the last 10 years, I have survived cancer and all it’s treatments, but lost my dad, again very suddenly after only a few months of finishing it all. That broke my heart massively too, but even though my parents were no longer together, my mum was by my side, helping me, as she’s always done, sorting things out for my little pops funeral, his rented home and was just, as always, my emotional rock :heart:

I had to phone an ambulance for my mum in the early hours of February 8th 2021 and I wasn’t allowed to go with her. She had a procedure which then led to a liver absess and she was rushed into ICU. I was never allowed to see her or be with her until the day she died and I was ‘called’ in. To see her like that, in ICU, unconscious and being told she was going to die… I cannot put my pain into words. When they removed her breathing tube, she still fought for 30 mins and I held her hand and face and kissed her hand and face and kept telling her how much I love her. I am totally traumatised by her suddenly and what I think was totally a preventable death.
Because of lack of family, I had no choice but to arrange my dear mum’s funeral by myself, which was heartbreaking because I was/ am still in shock. Then I had to start clearing out her flat, as she was in Social Housing, so no time to decide upon anything.
My grief is beyond words and I’m desperately waiting for Grief counselling, but am on the waiting list.

So whilst my beautiful friends have been amazing and I would not have coped without them, can someone please tell me how to cope with my grief, that only I can feel, being an only child and not having a partner or any family? My friends with partners and family don’t quite seem to get it? :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart:

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Hello Ziza

I’m so sorry for your loss and trauma.

I too am an only child with no children although I do have a partner. My Mum was a single parent so we were very close.

I think if you have children, you have to carry on with some kind of normality even though you may be heartbroken. When you don’t have children, there is noone to carry on for.

I lost my Mum 5 months ago and I miss her so much. I have terrible days where I can’t stop crying and then less terrible days when I can remember happy memories and smile and laugh at the thought of them.

The intense shock has lessened but I still have times of complete disbelief and confusion that my Mum isn’t here.

I talk to my Mum all the time and this helps me. I have also started compiling an online photo book which I have thrown myself into. I’m going to get it printed so it’s a helpful project which distracts me but also reminds me of happy times.

It is very difficult to learn and accept but you have to travel this path on your own as noone can understand your grief and feelings, no matter how much they think they can.

There is no magic fix to make things better and I believe you do really have to feel the grief to its full extent.

You have to do what is right for you and not be pressured by other people’s expectations and experiences.

You have lost such a special person and with that comes immense pain and grief.

All I can say is you’ve come to the right place as it does help to know that other people completely understand and most of them do who post on this forum, it is so helpful.

Try not to think into the future. You really only can take one day at a time.

Nicky x

Hello Ziza,

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved Mum. It sounds as though things are very tough at the moment and you are feeling overwhelmed.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here, and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

Another good place to get support is Cruse Bereavement. They offer a helpline, email support, and counselling and support groups through their local services: 0808 808 1677, helpline@cruse.org.uk, http://www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services.

Please continue to post Ziza. As you can see, our lovely members will respond, as @NJL already has.

Take care,

Audrey,

Online Community team

Sweetheart, I feel our situations are so similar. I’m just starting month 4 of losing my mum who was my world. You just want this feeling to end because it hurts so much 24/7. You’re not alone. :heart:

I found help in practical things. I rang a grief helpline on The Good Grief Trust website (it’s a super helpful place if you’ve not seen it), I purchased The Plain Guide to Grief by Dr John Wilson, read everyone else’s posts on here, and chatted to random strangers on social media I found who we’re going through the same thing.

Take things one day at a time, no more. On bad days, just an hour at a time is kinder to yourself. Treat yourself with the care you would a friend in need. We will get there. X

Hello Nicky xx

Thank you for your reply to my ‘Reaching out’ message.

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss of your dear mum too… There are no words to explain the depth of grief or bereavement are there? :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart: I think you’re right, when you have children, you have someone to carry on for, to strive to look after as they are a focus for carrying on. A part of our parents, a part of us, someone to come ‘after’ us if that makes sense. Someone to love and care about after our parents are devastatingly no longer here.

As you say, there is no time limited with grief and no right or wrong way, it is all so very individual. I have so many issues around the circumstances regarding mymum’s death. I am investigating it and have sought independent advice and her medical records and have also been encouraged to do so by a close friend who is a Ward Sister.

Glad you think I’ve come to the right forum Nicky. I hope it will help me with my grief whilst I’m waiting for Grief counselling. But I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your mum too and I really appreciate you respondinding to my message.

Big love to you :heart::broken_heart::heart:

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Hello again Ziza

Thank you for your kindness and lovely words.

I hope you find some comfort by posting and getting responses, it really does help.

Stay in touch and good luck with the medical issues. It is an upsetting thing to have to deal with but you want to do right by your Mum, I completely understand.

Love and hugs to you.

Nicky xxx

Nicky,

Thank you xxxx So many issues and so much to contend and deal with. But the pain… Oh the pain. How do we deal with it? Xxx

Hello Gib79,

Thank you for your message x

Obviously we’re all going through the same or similar sadness and heartbreak :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart: And I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear mama too :broken_heart:
I will definately look up the ‘Good Grief Trust’ website and endeavour to get the book by John Wilson.

Big hugs to you too xxx

We all obviously share a sad but common heartbreak x

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I honestly don’t know.

It’s like a tidal wave and you literally have nowhere to go with it.

I can’t believe I’ve got through the past 5 months. I like to think my Mum is giving me strength and helping me as some days I feel a real surge of strength.

I think you have to take each minute as it comes. Every day is different and brings new emotions and repeats of other emotions.

Like your Mum, my Mum lived in social housing and I had to clear her flat in the days after I lost her. Looking back I don’t know how I did it, I expect you feel the same. But I’m glad it was that way as it was like ripping a plaster off quickly. I don’t think I could have left it and then done it weeks or months later. I have lots of my Mum’s things integrated into my flat now which is comforting.

Is anything bringing you comfort?

Nicky xx

Hello Anne,

Thank you for responding to my message x I haven’t seen your previous messages, as I’ve only just joined and am still trying to navigate my way around the system.

How do we cope without our mum’s? I’m almost 50 and was caring for my mum, as it was only us, but she gave me emotional support and everything else that a mum gives :heart: :heart::heart:

Yes, what do we do? Xxx

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. I’m in a very similar position. I am so sorry. I can’t help you come to terms with it, because I don’t know how to, either. But I can tell you that you’re not alone. I feel just the same, and I’m sure there are thousands in the same position.
It’s so hard when your mum was your only family. It means that the loss isn’t diluted by other people. You’ve lost your number 1. I am pleased that you have good friends. If you believe, you can know your mum’s in a better place, and is waiting for you. If you don’t, you know that she’s out of pain and fear now. She’s at peace. I hope that thought brings comfort. Wishing you your own peace. x

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