Awwww the wig and glasses on the urn just creased me Thankyou so much for that as I have been feeling quite down I think it’s that time of month coming though as I was much more emotional week before funeral and last Nature came in funeral day and I’m sure the timing about now should be right so I’m hoping I won’t feel as low soon. I am sorry your humour was struggling to resurface as it helps doesn’t it I hope you find it in you again soon. I have been constantly over buying things to try and show how much he meant to me so that has been keeping me preoccupied and also feel like I am continuing to do things for him. So I just named a star after him which was fitting as he used to point out constellations to me and while looking up at the sky last night trying to locate the constellation I seen a shooting star! I have ordered a memorial bench with photo plaques I have been trying to sort out to place at the complex he was living to keep his memory alive, I have set up a memorial donation in his name to the RSPB as that was his life birds he loved animals and he requested all donations go there from the funeral so we did just that and I created a fb fundraiser and raised some extra on that too. I want to get the blanket we draped over the coffin full of birds to be made into a stuffed bear and try and get the only two voice recording snippets that I have of him incorporated. His birthday is 26th this month we will let lanterns off at his favourite scenic mountain spot. I have bought multiple things to go on the other mountain he asked to be scattered on that he played on as a child to mark the spot we scattered him and lively heartfelt sayings (I hope these don’t get vandalised or stolen as lots use that mountain it would be so tragic and upsetting if it does but it isn’t private land so I have to accept that!) and finally I will arrange for him to go into the book if rememberance. I will buy a candle of some sort to include him on Christmas as well
That’s all fantastic stuff that you are doing in his memory. I have done nothing like this because to do so would be me accepting that she is gone. I still struggle greatly with that concept.
Make sure you take time to look after yourself too x
I didn’t think this story would continue but it has. The only two things I had left to post about was the memorial bench and his upcoming birthday when I release the lanterns the rest would be mine stones without him, Christmas, New Years and then my birthday.
Anyhow my auntie told me that her sister called her yesterday, the one who was named next of kin, who failed to inform me my father was hospital, who refused opportunities to speak with me, who pushed her other sister out from any help but included her other sister, who deleted my fathers recording of his final wishes, who claimed not to know my fathers diagnosis but I found a text on his phone from her telling him what it was when the doctors told her, who dropped all of the funeral arrangements on me last minute, who didn’t fulfill his wishes or sort the finances out or even by withdrawing money daily as per my other aunties suggestion so that funds were available, but then she was moaning about how long it was taking to get him to the chapel of rest, who point blank ignored me at the funeral! Not even any eye contact! Who took flowers after specifying he didn’t want them! Which is why donations were made to RSPB in lieu of flowers, who didn’t tell her other sister who was helping me that information and made her feel left out and excluded by involving her other sister and substituting her sons wife as the third to take flowers up onto the coffin knowing he didn’t want that! And intentionally leaving the other sister out! They even demonstrated a clear divide by sitting on one half of the hall in the ceremony and didn’t even acknowledge the other half of the family who had nothing to do with any prehistoric dispute!
Anyway she called my auntie yesterday saying she has never cried so much in her life after someone else had showed her a post of mine of when I scattered the ashes! I am so confused by this! I specified at the funeral to her son I was going to make it a private affair between me and my brother (who I didn’t chase to come along as once he had half of the money I never heard from him again! And I wasn’t chasing him! He knew it was going to happen! And I felt so uncomfortable at the funeral I wasnt putting myself in a position to feel the same at the scattering! Especially knowing he had zero communication as his mother never allowed my father to be part of his life! But I felt personally offended I had gone out of my way to contact him and let him know and give him half the money, he said he would contact me when he got home never did! He didn’t even reply when I sent him the fundraiser I made in my fathers memory! He didn’t share it on social media and didn’t even donate a single penny despite just getting thousands from my father when he didn’t even reply when I notified him he was in hospital!!!)
Anyway she didn’t want to speak to me! She blanked me! This was no secret his ashes was going to be scattered! She knew the location herself! After the way I was treated at the funeral and the whole process prior I couldn’t imagine they would have even wanted to be stood next to me! Furthermore they could have contacted me and asked about it! But they placed the blame on the other auntie saying she should have told her! Forgetting all the choices she has made throughout and things she withheld! Apparently she would have gone up after me (to be honest I didn’t even think of that and upon reflection now I have calmed down perhaps I could have told the auntie I am speaking to to tell her because she isn’t speaking to me) but I was more concerned of how I was going to get through the scattering! It’s most interesting it’s expected that their feelings are to be considered despite them not having a care in the world for what they did to me! And my other auntie! I included them throughout the whole process which probably was undeserved with how they have been but I did it out of respect for my father! They never once commented how nice the funeral was or asked how I was or my auntie but now they expected that! Part of me is feeling I did something wrong and some guilt however the other side of me decided I was just thinking of myself for a change! They said their goodbyes at the funeral the scattering was common knowledge they would know where to go they are not talking to me blanked me at funeral so thought they would check for themselves like they have done everything else for themselves!
Please tell me I am not wrong as now I am wondering if my father would be disappointed in me when I tried my best to do all he asked 
I would like to think if he was looking down he would not like how I was treated and agree that I shouldn’t have had to go out of my way to declare the time and date when they said goodbye at his funeral and totally blanked me! But I’m a firm believer in two wrongs don’t make a right! I didn’t consciously exclude them! I just put myself first knowing they know scattering would take place and location and that I wanted to say my personal goodbye without the stress of them again! I admit I didn’t think to say they could pop up after and that’s why I’m feeling guilty! I cannot wait to speak to my psychologist as I am unsure whether this guilt is justified right now
I need some advice I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive or irrational or what. Two things here. First one is my fathers pride and joy picture he drew, my cousin asked for it. I found out my auntie accidentally sat on glass while transporting it (couldn’t be helped was an accident they do happen) but she placed the drawing in an outside shed! She brought it in after luckily noticing that it was getting slightly damp and placed it in her daughters scrap book. I asked her daughter if it hadn’t been framed I would happily have it back and give a copy as I want the origional kept safe, she replied her mother had framed it and now safe, thing is I don’t belive it (yet accept I could also be wrong) one of my aunties said ask for a picture I said no I don’t want to cause an argument and she said if it was me I would sent you a photo of the picture up and framed for your peace of mind! So I don’t know I just feel that was his pride and hot drawing and worried it won’t be taken care of. I also gave her my fathers sofa she told me if the vulture auntie got her hands on it she would sell it and plus she did need a sofa. I find out just before Christmas it’s gone and she has a different one now, she said it’s because it was lower than my fathers and it’s causing her a bad back but before she told me it was the comfiest sofa! She asked my permission to sell the chair from the set I said no need to ask once given it’s yours but I’m only bothered as she has done the very thing she accused the other auntie of doing! I have given her quite a lot in the 6months we have been back in touch to show my gratitude for her reaching out to tell me my father was in hospital which gave me the opportunity to spent tike with him before he died. I spent a lot on her and her kids took time to buy thoughtful gifts and wrap them nice. I don’t give to receive but I dropped everyone’s presents off before lockdown restrictions and she told me she felt guilty as she was due to get my present the next day and Sod’s law the lockdown came into place! Her mother told me she had taken her to get ingredients to make a cheese cake though so she could have got me something then! Even just a card! I asked her to open her presents when I dropped off she didn’t want to said she would call me with the kids and open together! My cousin ended ringing to thank me her daughter and I was suprised as she never mentioned she had opened them I was awaiting that call! On Christmas Day she posted thanks on my wall but I thought maybe they didn’t have the affect I expected! She told me she would make up for not getting me anything for Christmas on my birthday. My aunties birthday is two days before mine and I found out she sent her mother to get her a card. I woke up to no card but again she posted happy birthday on my wall and told me she would call me later and didn’t! I just feel it’s so unappreciative and ungrateful!!! She could have used moonpig to send a card there isn’t really an excuse! She was given first opportunity to choose anything she needed from my fathers as she had just moved and didn’t have much yet I was last on her list to get anything for and didn’t even make up for it on my birthday like she said!
I gave the half of the family who don’t speak to me sentimental gifts of my father and the one auntie and her daughter refused them and the ones for the kids because they were from me. They pretended to care for my father they were horrible to him and just horrible people in general! But it says more about them than me! She even said to my other auntie I didn’t speak to her at the funeral! Yet she had already wished my father dead and claimed she was glad there was no family car as wouldn’t have sat next to me (I can’t say I know that either!) and then expected me to speak to her, when she never even notified me my father was in hospital! Plus it was my fathers funeral! She never had any emotional care or connection to my father like I did! Why was it my place to talk to her?! The other auntie and her son did receive them and didn’t thank me! My other auntie thought they assumed they were from her as they peraded gifts to her she wasn’t expecting but when she asked them they knew it was me and said it was appreciated (no Thankyou) I even messaged the cousins wife for the new baby’s name to put the name on the gift and she couldn’t message me a Thankyou back after knowing it was from me. All these things were of my father and meaningful and sentimental and I did it feeling they were from him and he wouldn’t want me to leave anyone out and it certainly wasn’t an olive branch either yet here I am angry at how callous these people are! I am just so angry! Live alone nobody to vent to sorry for long post
So sorry i didnt reply sooner havent been on site much lately been having a difficult time myself. And i am sorry I didn’t see your reply till today but I have thought of you on and off and been wondering how you have been doing.
Thinking of you still take care
Meebee
Thankyou means a lot! I just can’t belive how it all still feels so surreal I keep thinking of things I wish I said or done or asked and miss him despite how difficult relationship was I’m sure I am just repeating myself and that lots think and feel the same just never is an easy thing