My father is on end of life

Hi, i came across this community in floods of tears very early this morning and reading through what others are going through has helped enormously. My elderly father is Graveley poorly and i feel such guilt i cant get past it, he is unable to communicate and i worry he is blaming me. Im so sad at minute.
He is 93 so people telling me hes had a good innings, is of no comfort at this present time although im hoping there will be a time when i agree.
He is very frail and has had mobility issues and underlying health problems for many years but we all felt (i have 2 older sisters) that he was superman and made of steel. A couple of days ago i had to take him for his pacemaker check up, as he never leaves home unless appointments he hadnt been out for good while, it was raining and freezing and i took him out!! Why didnt i just refuse the appointment!! He caught a chill and within hours was bedbound unable to move or help himself, or communicate! Drs came and put him on end of life at home care as my dad was terrified of going to hospital/dying in hospital. So far 48 hours later, no care team have been to clean up my dad so me and sisters had to do it which upsets us not because of the job needed but because we know how mortified dad will be. If only i didnt take him out, mum is elderly and frail herself and is inconsolable, she keeps looking at the Christmas tree and decorations up and saying dad cant see them, the guilt and grief is awful, and honestly dont know how to handle my feelings at this point being so close to Christmas too, how on earth are we going to handle mum with all the decorations up and i just am so so sad with the situation. Sorry ive gone on, writing it down here ,and now i feel guilty because im aware other people have far worse situations when dealing with death of loved ones.

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Hello, I’m so sorry your Dad is very poorly. You did the right thing to take your Dad to his appointment, if you hadn’t and the pacemaker failed that would have been difficult for you too. My Dad is 89, frail but we decided throughout Covid and now to take him out to all his appointments , we call it ‘positive risk’ - you probably feel your dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. I would (and do) have done exactly what you did.
Christmas can be a hard time, everything is heightened when you are going through difficult times. Maybe call 111 for advice today. I’m thinking of you all. I hope you get the support for your Dad and family.

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Thank you for reply, i am going through the guilt stage my sister has said, just cant stop the tears, but then i feel guilty that im just feeling sorry for myself, its horrible isnt it.
Just wish,wish,wish i hadnt taken him, he was fine sat in own little world, but as you say dammed if ido dammed if i dont.
Thank you again.

Take one day at a time, some deep breathe’s and try and look after yourselves and ask for help for your Dad and your family. Take care

@cc71 my heart goes out to you and your family. Im hoping you now have received some care support - if not, is your Dad under the district nursing service? When my mum was sent home for end of life care i found they were an invaluable support and they were available 24/7. I dont know whether this is different in different locations.

Even if he cant communicate, your Dad may still be able to hear you, so keep talking to him, put his favourite music on, hold his hand. Just take it one hour at a time. Thinking of you all :heart:

Thank you so much, weve now just had 48 hours later a Nursling team and are wonderful, its lovely of you to message though thank you

Oh im glad to hear that. You’re in my thoughts x

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@cc71 Sorry you’re going thru this but as other posters have written, you did what was right at the time. You can’t live your life by if onlys & guilt just eats you up. My Dad went into hospital in January & never came out. I blamed myself for not getting him discharged quickly enough & putting faith in a system that wasn’t fit for purpose. We can’t change things that have already happened. Just spend as much time as you can with your Dad. X

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Thank you so much for your kind words, and sorry for the loss of your dad also.
My dad has had clarity a little today and ive had a smile off him, held his hands and i honestly feel like ive won the lottery, so thank you again, i feel so much better at this moment.

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Im so pleased to hear that! These situations makes us appreciate the truly precious things like a smile or a handhold. I hope he continues to improve. Cherish every moment. :heart:

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