I cannot believe that this Christmas will be the fifth one without my beloved husband Peter, we were together for 50 years after meeting each other in 1964, it was love at first sight. We were little more than children, we left school at 15 years of age and started work straight away. We were so innocent in those days, life was so much fun, we didn’t worry about anything, the world was our oyster and we thought we would live forever.
We got engaged two years later and married in 1967. Our first son was born in 1970 and our second son in 1973. I remember the day my Peter came to see me in hospital just after our first son was born, he had the biggest bunch of red roses in his hand and he said ‘Thank you for my son’. He was a wonderful husband and father and he lived for his family.
I was watching the Shadows on TV today and I just burst out crying because I have lost count of the times we danced to their music. I close my eyes and can remember everything about the night we met, what he said to me, what we had to drink and what music was playing at the Mecca Locarno.
I wonder just how much longer I can go on without him, everyday is hard, I get up in the morning and decide what I want to do and the answer is, not a damned thing. Going out alone is soul destroying but I go, not because I want to, but because I need to get something, otherwise I would stay at home.
What I have done is booked myself a holiday in December at an hotel in Lytham St. Annes, it is with the Church Friendship group I attend and the holiday is for five days. We are all widows and widowers and will be going to see a show and to the Blackpool Tower ballroom in the afternoon. There are trips out and about so I thought I would give it a go.
I will be spending Christmas with our youngest son and his family and New Year with our other son and his girlfriend.
I love my home, it is my sanctuary and that is what keeps me going, memories of the day Peter carried me over the threshold, bringing home our first baby so many wonderful memories. Remembering the time I had just got a bath on the first night in our new home after our honeymoon (it was a brand new house) and seeing Peter come dashing into the bathroom where I was drying myself and putting the plug plug back in the bath. The builders had forgotten to attach the waste pipe to the bath and water was streaming into the kitchen. Cooking a chicken for the first time with the plastic bag inside. Making brandy snap and watching it creeping out of the bottom of the oven and onto the floor like The Blob and when it hardened, picking it up like cardboard. Peter always used to tell our sons that we had some very weird meals when we first got married as I could not cook. It is all these memories that keep Peter with me, and it will never, ever be the same as having him here but it will have to do until we meet again.
I know there are so many newly bereaved people on the forums and I wish I could tell you that you will get over this, but you won’t, what will happen is that you will learn to accept what has happened and learn to live a different life but you will never get over losing your loved one. There is always a song, an anniversary, a memory that brings tears to your eyes and that will never change because the anniversaries and songs come year after year after year, there is no getting away from them.
Love to all.