My first Christmas without my dad

Trying to get into the Christmas spirit , feel exhausted with emotions this will be my first Christmas without my dad everyday still a struggle and I can’t see light at the end of the tunnel I’m trying to be a mum , wife , sister and daughter and work at the same time I have a brother but he doesn’t live in the uk and dosent see my pain we face time but it’s not the same, my husband is great support but I try not to show my emotions to him or my children because I feel I don’t want to upset them if that makes sense I do feel my dad around me I reaslise grief is a build up of so much love for a person and it can’t go anywhere but remain in your heart :heart:

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Hi Akeogh,

I’m so sorry for the loss of your Father.

This is the first Christmas after losing my Father. He passed away 5 weeks ago.

I can relate to your post. Dad and I were so close and since he passed away I have been dealing with my own grief and supporting my mum.

My brother is also abroad and although he is supportive he doesn’t see the daily struggle going on. I understand my brother is also grieving but it is very different which he will openly say.

Mum and I have gone over to spend Christmas with him and it is helping being able to spend time and openly chat with him.

I relate to what you said about the love you feel for your father building up. That is exactly how it feels, a constant ache, someone so precious torn from me but an abundance of love just building and then sadness that I can’t hug and tell dad and get his advice on how to cope. He was the person who always knew how to make me feel understood and safe.

I don’t see an ending in sight in terms of the pain but I am trying to just get through each day.

Lots of people here understand. You are not alone.
Xx

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Grief, I’ ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.

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Hi @Akeogh I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad.
Your description of being exhausted by emotions speaks to me I’ve been kept busy with xmas prep and having family staying, but in the quiet moments it all comes out and the rest of the time i think i suppress it.
Last night I dreamt about my dad in the hospital, i wish the dream had been from a different memory of him or something random.

The idea of grief as a build up of love is a beautiful way to think about it, i hadnt considered before. Thanks for sharing that. Its nice that you feel you feel your Dad around you too.

Hi again @Katherine86 too. As before I feel i can relate so much to what you write, its hard to be without our dads and to be worried about/supporting other grieving family. Its all still so new too. i am hopeful that things will gradually get better in some ways with time or perhaps new ways of expressing feelings or looking after myself better, I dont know. As you said to @Akeogh we are not alone. Hope you and your mum have a good visit with your brother, a change of scene can be good.

Sending best wishes to you all.