Hello this is my first time on here my wonderful partner Graham passed away just over 8 months ago and I still haven’t cried he died of terminal lung cancer and I was his carer for over 2 years and now I feel very lost we didn’t have children but I have my elderly mother who stays with me frequently and brother sister in law and nephew live nearby but I still feel very lost I have been seeing a counsellor which is ending next week which has been helpful and she encouraged me to try an online forum so here I am hopefully I can read what others are saying who are in the same situation and maybe learn from them going forward
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Hi
My husband also died of cancer in sept and I was his carer for the last 3 years. We had district nurses coming every week and visits from macmillan nurse and were living from one hospital appointment to the next. I found it very hard when everything just stopped and felt I didn’t get any support.
I keep thinking I need to talk to someone and think about ringing the doctor but then have a better day so don’t do it.
Pleased you found your counselling helpful. Maybe one day I might need to do it but at the moment just trying to get through.
I’m sure you’ll find support in this group. Reading other people’s experiences makes you realise that you are not alone and other people are feeling exactly like you.
For instance I have been shocked by my feelings of anxiety and loss of confidence. If it wasn’t for reading and talking on here I wouldn’t know it was a common thing in grief.
Xx
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Hi Barbara
Thank you for reading and replying to my message and I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband
It’s very hard isn’t it I have always been quite a confident person and independent but like you I was / am very shocked at my lack of confidence now I don’t really want to see any other members of mine or Graham’s family except my immediate family as I feel like I can’t speak to them but I feel ok messaging them sometimes but I don’t think they understand where as I hope people on here can the counselling was ok six sessions I think just saying what I wanted to a stranger every 2 weeks helped maybe speaking to your gp on the phone may help in the first instance I first told my gp when Graham was first diagnosed and started anti depresants(still on them now) think what made me worse was that I had breast cancer and a mastectomy chemo radiotherapy etc etc in 2016 so I felt we got through all that only then for Graham to be diagnosed and being together so long I just feel lost and sad 
If you or anyone else is thinking of counselling it did take 3 months to see someone because of a backlog with covid🙄 wishing you well and hope you keep in touch on here be nice to know how your getting on x
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I’m so sorry you have found yourself on this site due to the sad loss of Graham.
Nothing prepares us for the terrible heartache we face in the loss of our beloved partners.
It really will help you reading through some of the threads, seeing that so many of us are feeling our way around this new life we are left with.
Keep reading and writing your feelings down.
We understand how you feel
Janey xx
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Just seen on your profile that you are 61 same as me and we were married for 31 years so very much the same.
I haven’t let my anxiety stop me going anywhere just trying to plough through it. I just get an anxious feeling in my stomach when I’m going somewhere but when I get there it’s better. Going out for lunch tomorrow with friends I used to work with and I know I’ll be anxious until I get there and get the car parked ok. I just feel like a different person and I don’t see the old me coming back anytime soon if ever.
It’s good to talk on here to people who really understand. I think people think because a few months has passed everything is ok but we all know it’s not.
Take care xx
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Thank you Barbara hope you can enjoy your day tomorrow its strange how we are very similar
Let me know how your day goes good luck Suzanne xx
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Hi Janey
You are so right nothing prepares us for this and everyone’s experience is very different I will definitely keep writing on here and reading other people’s experiences of all this thank you for the support
Suzanne xx
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Hi SGL2
sorry for your loss every one goes through grief differently and feeling lost is an emotion we all go through specially that you was his carer for over 2 years and handling the situation of his illness to the end
i have known people that have never cried of loosing someone and others that can never stop
it doesnt matter how many people are around you eeven though it helps you them being there for you
you will still miss your husband and feel lost as no one can fill that empty space he has left in your life
keep coming on here and reading the posts and posting yourself it does really help
take care
pat
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Hi Looby 2018
Thank you so much for your message I am so glad I found this forum I only intended to come here to look how other people cope but I decided to post and now I’m so glad I did with these lovely messages thank you Pat xxx
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Hello
I am so sorry for your loss
Life is just not fair !!
How much you have been through
I loss my husband he died suddenly out of the blue then 9 months later I loss my mum
When my husband died I was a mess but my mum I have never cried and it’s been 3 years now
I think my body was protecting me it knew I couldn’t cope with an other loss
It is strange as my mum was my rock after my husband died
This site is great
You can express how you feel as we all understand
If you haven’t loss someone that you deeply loved others don’t get it even after 5 or 10 years the grief is always with you and something so small can trigger an emotion and break you down again
So come on this site and talk and share your feelings
It might help you
I wish you all the best
Sending my love
Xx
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Hi Scottie
sorry about both your losses so close together its true what you said your body had took enough grief and its strange how something is always there protecting you
i lost my husband last november still up and down with my emotions but with my greyhound by my side helps me cope better we go on long walks even been down own to the markets a couple of times and went to see the pancake race tues we get collected by someone from the greyhound trust so we can still go on their walks so get out quite a bit was nervouse at first but getting easier to go out on my own now as long as i have my dog is with me
i totaly agree about grief will always be with you no matter how long its been and no one should feel guilty if they just burst into tears sometimes for no reason at all we were together for 56 years married for nearly 54 hed been ill for years from more than one illness but always hoped like many that we could have had that extra few years i visit his grave every fortnight it helps ease the pain to know i can go where he was put to rest
take care
pat
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Hi Scottie10
Thank you for your message I’m sorry for your loss too your husband then your Mom so close together that must have been so hard I really don’t know how you coped my Mom has been my rock as she has been through this when my Dad passed away suddenly 16 years ago she still gets upset and misses him she has been on her own since but she’s 90 this year and I can talk to her about what I’m going through but I hate upsetting her too much but hopefully now I can speak on here more with others going through the same xx
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SGL2,
I am sorry for your loss. My loving wife almost 1 year ago and honestly the tears have never stopped flowing. I have read and said that grief is personal and no matter what anyone else has experienced we each will handle or process it differently. I am personally not doing well, but this site and others have helped me so much. I miss my loving wife more each day and it seems for me each day is harder. I am dealing with too many deaths in too short of a period of time and that doesn’t help either. My loving wife died suddenly and unexpectedly and she was only 53 at the time and we had our whole lives ahead, we were together for 35 years and married for 34 years. I can say that venting or writing on these forums has been a big help because nobody here judges you, since they are all going through similar grief. Sadly people who haven’t gone through this will never understand and too many avoid us. I really have nobody since my loving wife died as her family and friends all basically abandoned me after she died. Our son moved back in with me but he doesn’t like to talk about his Mother and he is really never here so it is like I am alone still. Sorry this is so long but you are not in this alone, there sadly are too many of us who are here to talk to you if you need it. Take care, John
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Hello John
I am sorry for your loss of your wife
Loss is a terrible thing and I don’t think it matters if you do have people around you or not nothing can take away that emptiness that loneliness and I truly believe it won’t ever go away for me I know for me it’s only been just over 8 months but it’s like it just happened but yes at least we have this great place where we can all come together with our thoughts and feelings take care Suzanne
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SGL2,
thank you for the comment. I have lost 5 people in a little over a year and prior to that my loving wife and I lost almost all of our pets in a very short time too. There have been many deaths in my life as I am sure many other people have experienced, NONE have affected me like the death of my loving wife. I will never understand anything about my loving wife’s death and because of everything else going on in my existence since and before she died it is very overwhelming. I am in the middle of 2 probate estate court cases and they are just dragging me down even more than I already am. I am so tired and worn out and it seems as if nobody except the people here who are going through this grief care. There is no compassion from anyone at the worst times of our life. We lost the most important person in our life, the person we spent years with and were supposed to spend many more with. The person who was always there for us and now we have nobody who will ever understand us like they did and nobody will ever LOVE us like they did. Take care, John
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Hello John
It’s extra hard when other everyday things impact on our grief I also went through probate but I have to sell our house / home now its not the leaving the house so much as I think memories will move with me but that I have to do it now because of some debts and its a big thing to do without your partner I shall move in with my Mom for a while before finding somewhere but getting the motivation to set the wheels in motion is hard but it’s got to be done!!
Graham didn’t die suddenly it was lung cancer but when the day came I luckily held his hand and talked to him all day till he passed but he wasn’t conscious but for me being there was how can I say hard but glad I was there again its different from other people’s experiences but sadness for us all on here x
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SGL2,
I wasn’t able to be with my loving wife when she died because at the time we were caring for her Mother who had dementia. I was able to visit my loving wife when she was in the local hospital but her condition turned worse and they airlifted her to another Hospital and she never made it. But I had to take care of her Mother and was unable to be there and that is one of the terrible things that goes through my broken brain and broken heart every day and night. That my loving wife died alone surrounded by strangers and probably scared just hurts so much. It is hard enough with the memory of the last time I saw her and the struggles she was having but to not be there for her. The paperwork is endless and yes the memories will always be there, but for me they are triggers of what I will no longer have. I had 35 years with my loving wife and there are many happy memories and some not so happy ones but even at the stage of grief at the moment it is hard to find anything positive. I am in no way motivated to do anything beyond what I absolutely have to do and even that is hard. My loving wife was the only reason for me to endure all of the troubles that we had and now I just want this to be over. Take care, John
John it must be very hard for you to remember your wife’s last days as unfortunately you weren’t with her yes I was lucky in that way being with Graham but he wasn’t with me and I am sure your wife would have held on to the thought that you were with her in thought and looking after her poorly mother as you said you were both caring for her hold on to that thought and that she passed not at home but at least with the people were trying to save her and they would have done everything they could I’m sure
Graham became unconscious just after he woke I called ambulance they took him to hospital couldn’t travel with him because it was towards the end of covid so im thankful the hospital let me stay as no other members of his family could visit he died that day but I did not know how long he would stay alive hours days or weeks the hospital just made him comfortable but I was so worried if they moved him to another ward would I have been able to be with him then so I guess it was fate of some sort him going that day
Of course I would have liked him to have been at home in his own bed surrounded by family as I’m sure we all would but unfortunately it didn’t work like that
Please try and hold on to the good memories that you have of your wife and think she would be very sad to see you so sad that’s what I try to think about Graham of course I don’t always feel like that sometimes I feel angry with him that he left me that’s why each day is difficult sorry this message is so long but please know that apart from the people on here to talk to you can always speak to your gp or ask to speak to a counsellor as they have a long waiting list but talking to a stranger may help
Take care John
Suzanne
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SGL2,
Thank you for the kind words, I am actually located in the States (Michigan) and things are a little different here. Our Doctors aren’t real good with grief and sometimes aren’t good at much else, my loving wife’s Doctor ignored her medical issues for the first week and even then he seemed not too concerned. My loving wife called many times and was told her issues were a reaction to the Covid vaccine and it was a good thing. When they didn’t resolve then he started actually acting like a Doctor, but sadly because of the outcome it seemed too little too late. I think my loving wife would understand the situation but only if she was coherent when she died and because I wasn’t there I don’t know if she wondered why I wasn’t. These are the questions I can never get the answers to unless I can speak to my loving wife and I can’t, at least not while I am alive and I am not sure if I will ever be with my loving wife again. I don’t know what is in store for me when I die, I just hold out hope I can be with my loving wife again. Take care, John
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John
I didn’t realise you were in the States.
Also I don’t know if Graham knew I was with him as he was unconscious but my hope is that he did and that’s what I cling to hopefully you can believe your wife understood the reason you couldn’t be with her but she knew you were constantly thinking of her but looking after her mother for her
Have good thoughts about your wife as much as you can about all the happy memories and times you had together
Suzanne
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