My heart breaks to hold my Mum's hand

I lost my Mum in June 2022. She had open heart surgery for a valve replacement in October 2021 and recovery was slow with a few complications involved due to other health issues. My Mum was hospitalised in April 2022 with fluid build up and decided she couldn’t live like this anymore. She took her own life while in hospital and she passed surrounded by her family in critical care.
I dont know how to go on. I am the only child and my Dad has never been around so at the age of 32 it is just me. I am the Head of my family with no one else to turn to. I have 2 young children who absolutely adored my Mum and she adored them. I was kept busy for a while with funeral arrangements and trying to sort other things but I know I haven’t processed properly what has happened.
The hospital are doing a serious incident review into what has happened and i don’t fully understand what it means other than my Mum’s passing is called an “avoidable death” and its all I can think about. I am waiting for a report from them and they’ll be a hearing with the coroner too nothing they do will bring her back so I almost feel like what is the point?!
My Mum was 62 - she had years left ahead of her and should be here now to watch her grandchildren grow. They miss her so much. My son kisses her pictures (he turned 1 shortly before she left us) and my daughter cries most days and sleeps with a photo pillow with a picture of them together (she’s 5). I am doing my best to keep going for them, to help them through their pain and make their days as easy as can be but I feel so alone. My partner is no form of emotional support at all and I feel like friends and other family members want to help but really, what can they do?! What can anyone do?
I dont know when life is supposed to feel normal again. I dont know what I’m supposed to aim for; I don’t want to move on without her.
I question if I could have done more to make her want to stay here with us. I know depression is the darkest disease but I would have been there every single day reminding her there is light at the end of the tunnel and giving her a reason to carry on.
My partner keeps moaning at me for “not being myself” and telling me to get help. I know Dr’s will just prescribe antidepressants but the tablets didn’t help my Mum so why should I have any faith that they’d help me?! Is medication really the way to go now?

Hello @KatieB I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. It sounds like you’re coping with so much right now and not getting the support that you need. I think many of members will relate to how hard it can be to support our children through bereavement when we are grieving ourselves.

You don’t have to cope with this alone. Winston’s Wish offer advice and support to bereaved children and their families. They’re on 08088 020 021 and Please do think about getting in touch with them.

It does sound like you could use some space for yourself to grieve. Everyone is different and what works for one person may not work for another. There are lots of options that you can discuss with your GP. You might also want to explore some of these support options, too.

Sue Ryder offer free Online Bereavement Counselling. Sessions are held via video chat with trained counsellors. You can also contact Cruse who deliver sessions face to face.

Many of our members have also found our Grief Coach text support service helpful.

Losing a loved one to suicide can be especially traumatic. Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide offer lots of support, and you can speak to people who are in your situation. You can find them here:

Please do think about getting a little more support for yourself. We are all here for you too - you are not alone.

Take care