My husband died suddenly

My husband died on the 24.4.21. He had a cardiac arrest in front of me 8 weeks previously. I thought I had saved him with cpr and he was following commands after two days squeezing hand opened eyes but then the hospital called me in and didn’t exactly explain what had happened. I asked if he was going to die and they said if so we would be having a different conversation. He was then transferred to Manchester, I spoke to a consultant who said that he had a 10 percent chance of life and if he survived he would not be the man I knew. Four weeks later after sedation stop for five days the did tests and it was found my husband had very little brain function. I was called in the middle of the night as he had taken a turn for the worse and I held his hand for six hours until he passed away. I am devastated and still cannot accept what has happened. I have lost my soulmate and don’t know how I will carry on without him. I am fortunate to have a good sister and three close friends who are helping me through this

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Hi Nel,

I have just signed up to reply to you as I am so in the same position. My partner died on 6th May after collapsing on 11th April. He had not been ill previously. He had heart surgery for valve replacement on 2nd May but never recovered. It is just too awful. I’m sure like you I don’t quite know what to do next.

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Hi Nel, my husband went out for a run one evening in March. He collapsed and died before I could get to him. He was only 50. There was no warning and the first Post Mortem did not show anything. We are awaiting further tests. I know how utterly devastating it is. I never got to say goodbye and I can’t believe he will never hug me again. I have two adult children and supportive family and friends but I really don’t know how to keep going as every day without him is a living hell. Sending hugs

It truly is hell on earth x I want to hold dave so much x I cant breath most days with the pain , mostly for Dave because he never deserved to be taken from us xx

Dear Nel

I am reading your post with tears starting to flow. My husband’s birthday was the same day you lost your husband - I am so sorry for your loss - he would have been 61. He died in a road traffic accident when out on his motorbike. I never got to say goodbye. Our last conversation was only a few hours earlier. During first lockdown we had made our retirement plans.

Please take all the help you can. Continue to post on this forum. You can share your feelings without being judged and as everyone is (unfortunately and tragically) in the same position, they will understand.

Take care.

Nel
I too am reading your post with tears in my eyes. It’s devastating and feels like the world has stoppen. I am so very sorry for your loss.
I lost my wonderful husband in November last year after he had a heart attack at work. No sign beforehand. He couldn’t be resuscitated.
It’s the worst feeling in the world and nothing anyone says can take that away.
I do not post on here a lot but I do read the messages and have found comfort in that. You are so brave coming on so soon.
Take all the support you can and lean on those who love you

It is a mixture of feeling so sad and glad that there have been so many people join this site since I joined. I am really sad that all of you have had to experience loss of a loved one, and glad that you have found this site. I found it in desperation after the people that said they would be there for me backed off. I felt so alone in my grief, and wasn’t sure how to cope, or even if I could cope. There are no answers, but it has helped me joining this group of people going through hell. The main help for me was that I was not the only one. I genuinely felt like I was going mad, and was so frightened of the future. I am still frightened of the future, and have a lot of things to still sort out, and need things fixed in the house. All things my partner could have fixed in an hour or two. Reading the posts on here has helped enormously. I have realised from those further on than myself that the grief will always be there, and that the best way to cope is to not look too far ahead. The whole process of losing our loved ones undermines our confidence and we lose a huge part of ourselves with their loss. For those very recently bereaved please set alarms to remind yourselves to eat regularly. I made myself ill, and it was the realisation that I had nobody on hand to look after me properly that made me eat little and often again. If you feel the need for it ask your GP for further help. Your mind and body are in the midst of trauma. If you can’t sleep at least try and rest. There are loads of programmes on TV that you can have on in the background, but don’t really need to watch if you see what I mean. I struggle with music as a lot of songs make me cry. I got through winter watching a place in the sun. It was sad in a way as I thought sometimes “ooh we would have liked it there,” but seeing sea and sunshine lifted my spirits. I must admit though I kept thinking about the people on the programme how will you cope in a foreign land where you have not even bothered to attempt to learn the language if your partner dies. Good luck everyone as we go on to fight through another day.

@Wong
Me and my partner loved watching ‘a place in the sun’ can’t watch it now, he loved 'homes under the hammer watched them on his days off.
I miss him so much,.
I have his ashes at home, I can’t seem to connect with him. My counsellor suggested holding one of his photos on my heart, close my eyes and think of a happy memory, I can’t do it I just sob my heart out.
I’m not bothered doing much today, can’t seem to motivate myself. How have you spent your day?
Sending hugs
Amy x

@Amy49 I have been trying to motivate myself, but not managing to do it today. I struggled with homes under the hammer. I have watched a few. My partner used to watch them avidly and if there was an episode on when I was at work that he really enjoyed sometimes he would record it for me. He worked shifts so was often home in the day. I have his photo on the wall (my son got me a lovely big canvas for Christmas) and I talk to it as I potter about or if I have watched something on TV that I thought he would be interested in I talk about it to him. I have felt more like he is still with me since the canvas went up on the wall. Struggled with Line of Duty or whatever it was called. Had to watch it on catch up in the end as I knew after watching the others he would want me to see this series. I apologise to him about things as well. I have gone nuts! I suppose by talking to the canvas to a certain extent I am trying to keep him in the present, rather than living through past memories if that makes sense. I have him as my first picture on my phone. That gives me a jolt sometimes when I pick it up to answer a phone call as I think just for an instant he is ringing me. I talk to him when I go to his grave, but don’t connect as well there as I do indoors.
I am so sorry you are so down today. My highlight of the day was finding some prawns in the freezer, and some slightly out of date cook your own baguettes in the cupboard. Guess what I am having for dinner! Sending hugs your way. X

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We loved homes in the sun , briers abroad, but it dont matter no more , future changed, life changed , poor boys changed , done really want to see happy couples at the moment

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Thank you. It gives me comfort to know that although so devastating I am not on my own. All these weeks later I am still trying to process what has happened. Ian either crying or feel such heartbreaking despair and do not know what to do with all the emotion. It feels as if someone has just plucked him out of bed and he is never coming back x

Feel for you @Nel. We just want it all to be a bad dream that we are going to wake up from don’t we? None of us can give you any answers or bring your man back. I wish we could bring all our loved ones back. I hope you manage to find some help and comfort reading through the posts. At least you will know what you are feeling is felt by all of us. We all have different ways of trying to cope, but we are all in this together and trying to work out a way forward. For many of us it is just trying to keep on top of the day to day things (and some days failing miserably), and just surviving. You will see that although everyone we thought we knew is full of “if you ever need anything” and “always welcome for a chat or cuppa” the reality for many of us is different. The dynamics with our couple friends change, and it is just very very hard. Sometimes just writing about things gets it out if your system. Some keep a daily journal, others put posts on here. There is no right or wrong way. Take things a little bit at a time, the bigger picture is just too much to bear. Sending you best wishes.

Dear Nel

There is just so much to process and those who said they would be there have disappeared and returned to their own lives so we have to somehow navigate through this dreadful journey mostly alone. I have a pre-assessment with a counsellor tomorrow. Not sure if it will help but can only give it a try. The traumatic stress that we are under is unimaginable to those who have not experienced it.

Take care and do what is right for you.

I am lucky to have a ver supportive sister and a good friend. So far I have not been alone with my grief but I am sure it will come. I don’t watch programmes we used to watch together it is not the same. I have a cushion with my husbands face on and cuddle this every night. I also talk to him and tell him what I am doing during the day. It gives me comfort. I think Kirsty Allsop Location is getting me through. She seems to have a calming influence. I feel okay and then suddenly my husband pops in my mind or i catch die of a photo and I get an overwhelming feeling I grief and the tears begin to flow. I sometimes feel paralysed with fear at the thought of the future without him. I am trying to go hour by hour sometimes minute by minute as this is all I can cope with. I know you will understand this as we all have the same in common. We have lost our life partner. The one we love forever.

Dear Nel

Am glad that you have your sister and friend. I have a good friend and two of my husband’s friends are staying in touch as well as his older brother but they have their own lives so only call once a week, usually in a cluster, so the rest of the week I do not have anyone to really talk to. I visit our son’s house but they are a different generation and phone’s dominate their lives and you can see they are not really interested in what I have to say. Sometimes get more attention from the grandkids.

I also have stopped watching certain programmes that we watched together. Tend to watch utter programmes just as background noise as I find the silence in the house now unbearable.

Yes we have lost the person we will love forever and it is heartbreaking.

@Sheila26
I have my boys at home but they are in their bedrooms or off out with their girlfriends.
They talk about their Dad occasionally but I need to talk about him everyday and all day.
It feels lonely grieving for our loved one, family, friends don’t have that deep crushing feeling of loss, the yearning for our loved one. I’m just moving and talking when I can, but I don’t feel connected to anything or anyone, I’m at a total loss without my Marti. Climbing this mountain isn’t easy.
Sending you all hugs
Amy x

Dear Amy

I feel the same. I need to know that people are not forgetting about him as they move forward with their own lives but the reality is except for me and the kids he is shrinking from other people’s minds.

Awwww I’m so so sorry for your loss
Been on here will really support you I have only been on a week and you realise other people are going through the same thing
The people on here are amazing

Audrey-Rose

4h

I lost my husband 18 weeks ago today. I’ve managed to get through the horriendous times that faced me, but only by the skin of my teeth. Emotional support stopped exactly 1 week after he died so I was bobbing up and down in the ocean of grief since then.

Slowly after 3 months I began to go a bit longer with crying at the drop of a hat. I began to do things around the house that had stacked up. I lost 2.5 stone during that time. But I felt I was not getting used to him not being there but starting to accept my fate.

This past Sunday I ordered 10 house plants to bring some new life into my home. So that is something to look forward to.

Now, for the Guilt. I’m 71yrs old and my husband was 45yrs old. He died suddenly in his sleep and the coroner has not found what killed him. For months before he died when I would try to talk about the day I’m gone what I wanted him to do such as what jewlery goes to who and mainly I wanted him to move on with his life. He would always come back sternly saying if I die he would be following me quickly. This became a soar topic and we stopped talking about whatifs. A week and 2 days before he died I got my first covid jab. over the next week i had mentioned i was thinking about not getting the second one. He fought me on this and made me promise I would get the second. Then he died. Mar. 31 I went and got my second jab but only because I had promised him. I didn’t want it but I don’t break promises. So my guilt is I’m still here and if I had died he wouldn’t be. I feel i’ve let him down I’m rationalising it that I’ve done the right thng but the guilt hangs over my head.

I know how you feel. My husband died in the 24.4.21. He had a cardiac arrest in front of me and never regained consciousness. 8 weeks later he died. I feel I am drowning in grief. I cry every day when I wake up realising I have to spend another day without him. I have really bad anxiety and have had my initial session with a clinical hypnotherapist next week. She made me feel so calm and am very hopeful she can improve my wellbeing. I do not want to go out or be alone. I feel so empty. We have been together 18 years and I thought we would be together for another 17 years. I feel I am going through the motions and there is no joy in life. I keep thinking things will never change. I lost bit my parents within the last 7 years and have a very supportive sister. I am trying to move on day by day. I contacted a medium who spoke a lot of truth and my husband.came through. I was very sceptical but after hearing what he said and his name it gave me comfort to know he hears me when I speak to him and he is around me all the time. I wake up to see what each day brings but know I will love my husband forever and there will never be another x

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