My Husband died .

My darling Husband died suddenly 6 weeks ago…after 38 years of marriage. We were so close, everything to each other. I am lost without him, I cannot believe what has happened. I have never known a time without him. We met when I was 16 and he was 19.I have never been alone before, this is the longest we have been parted. Our children are amazing, we are supporting each other the best we can, but I feel so lost. I cannot imagine the future without him. I miss his face ,his smile, his laugh.He retired early just two months ago. We had so many plans, so much still to do. I think we are all still in shock. I cry everyday . I cannot settle to do anything.How do I get through this ?

Hello Lavinia. You have my deepest sympathy. You are not alone. My husband died suddenly 17 months ago now. He too had just retired two and a half months and like you we had so many plans. Plans and projects for the house and garden. I’ve tried to carry on with some of those plans and I look for his approval. I still can’t believe he’s gone.

You will still be in shock Lavinia and it is very early days for you. I really don’t know how I’ve come this far but I have. Going out to work has been a massive help, it has given me some kind of normality. I write a journal to my husband - I tell him every day stuff, how I’m feeling and how much I love him, everything. It’s like I’m talking to him and it really does help.

Losing our loved ones is not something we will ever get over but I find that I can smile again now, laugh even, but always there’s an underlying sadness and a longing for my man which I expect to stay with me forever. I still have days when I cry and I think I always will but that’s okay.

I’m so glad you have wonderful children and that you can support one another. I hope you can find some comfort from this forum also, in knowing that others care and that you are not alone in your suffering. We understand what you are going through because we are travelling the same journey.

I’m sending you love and a big hug xx

Hello Lavinia
Unfortunately I don’t have any good news. I don’t think you do get all the way through this. I was looking at photographs yesterday of my wife at 16 and myself at 19.It was our first Christmas together. We were together for 49 years and married for 44.I was at a family funeral yesterday, just twelve weeks after my wife’s funeral and I thought I’d coped quite well. I didn’t expect to see the photos and I’d never seen them before. I realise now that my armour has several chinks in it.
Maybe you don’t need to get all the way through this. Maybe you will find a point where you can function but still have that closeness to your loved one. I keep telling myself how fortunate I was for 49 years and that my sorrow, sadness, misery, and lack of interest and enthusiasm for anything are just part of the price I have to pay. Looking at it like that it was a price worth paying. I have 4 children and 7 grandchildren and I can see my wife’s smile in all of them. Whilst I’m still suffering I don’t think the pain is quite as acute after 103 days but, as yesterday demonstrated, it doesn’t take much to be floored again.

Hello Kate,

Thank you for your kind words, I think you are right I am in some kind of fog,I think it is shock. The mornings are the worst .I struggle to sleep at night but I must do because I wake and for a split second I feel normal.Then this terrible pain hits me as I remember that he has gone. I feel so sad for him,to be gone so early and for myself because I have lost him.I think the idea of a journal is a very good idea.Its the conversation and the little day to day things that I miss so much.Those together moments that only you can share with each other.I do talk to him every day.trying to make sense of what has happened.I tell him I love him .

I am glad you have been able to find some normality,I understand it has taken you time but it helps me to know that somehow it can happen.Its a very difficult time for all of us.
Just talking to somebody who is going through the same awful experience, helps.

Thank you,

Hello Yorkshire lad,

I am finding out that you are right, you don’t get through this.I think I just have to try to take each day at a time for now.

It has been such a short time since my husband passed away.that I cannot look too far into the future.I don’t know how else to do it.

I feel him with me every day .I only hope that as time goes by I can ,like you ,think of the amazing life we shared together and be grateful for that time.

Thank you for your kind thoughts, I wish you well.

Thanks for your good wishes. We only can ever live in the present but for some reason our minds want us to live in the future and develop anxieties about it. If only we knew how to turn that switch off.

Hi Lavinia, I lost my husband two years ago, and I relate to every word of your post. I think there’s great wisdom in not looking too far into the future - ten years ahead with him still not here is just too painful, and we’ll meet that when we have to, right? For now, it’s enough to get through each day, and know that you’ll probably cry every day for considerably longer.

Please don’t worry that you don’t know how to get through this - there isn’t a road-map; you’ll find out how this works as you go. I agree with Kate and Yorkshirelad - we never get over it completely and I’m not sure I’d even want to. But it’s still important to be able to navigate this terrible wound as best we can, and letting the tears fall IS doing that. That you can’t settle to do anything is also completely normal - how well I remember the half-done tasks that I would just stare at, with no idea of how to muster the energy or thought to complete them. It’s okay that you don’t feel like doing much of anything.

I don’t know what your spiritual belief system is, Lavinia, but I have found that the only way forward for me is to know that my husband is still with me, doing these hard yards with me. Do I still miss his physical presence? Absolutely. But it has helped somewhat to know I can still have him spiritually.

Take the best care you can

Louise xo

Is it because the past was loving and safe ,the present is too painful and the future is unknown.
I hope that time can ease the present so that I can begin to think about the future.Then maybe it wont be so frightening and maybe that would switch it off.

Mrs Plummer,

You are so right,I cannot think of years or even months down the line.I am still trying to deal with today.
like you , I don’t want to get over him ,I think its impossible to love someone so much and not feel like this.I know he would feel the same if it had been me. I am so consumed by my thoughts and loss that its difficult to even remember to eat.Its the constant pain I feel that I wish I could stop,even for just one day.

I talk to him every day, I really think he is listening, that helps.

Of course,its not that I hear his reply but that I know what he would have response.

Thank you , your words are of great help.