My husbands suicide

My husband of 10 years killed himself on Christmas Day,I found him in the garage on Boxing Day.Sometimes when he was upset he would take himself off,never knew why.Some people will ask why I didn’t go look for him on Christmas Day,to be honest I thought I would let him calm down,it was his birthday on Christmas Day.Dave was a heavy drinker and on that day he appeared to still be drunk from the night before.I don’t know how to deal with this and I am grasping at straws,can any body please help me,I need to cope for my family’s sake.I feel like I wished he had killed me because the pain is so unbearable Thankyou for letting me put my thought s on here Dee.

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@Dee9 , I am so sorry x You have a huge amount going on and I am sending you loads of love. There are specialist support groups for loved ones bereaved through suicide. Sue Ryder will be able to help, also the Samaritans and Good Grief Trust. When you feel ready, maybe see what they can offer. You have friends here who are always around and ready to listen if/when you post. For now, you are going through very, very tough days and nights so be gentle on yourself. We are here for you.

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Thankyou ,I am so lost and I am reaching out for the sake of my family.I want to never wake up so I am trying to access any help to stop me spiralling further into to this abyss,I guess I will have to brave this out but boy it is so hard sending love x

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@Dee9 - you are stronger than you may think you are and you will get through this. I know about not wanting to wake up and face yet another day - it is so hard. If you feel ready, try and get some support - we all need it and it can make a fundamental difference. Just one session of counselling helped me to see, for the first time, that my husband’s illness was a nightmare for both of us, that I went to hell and back alongside him. That insight really lifted a burden I was carrying and helped me to see that what happened, happened to both of us and that I was worthy of love and support even though it was Tom who died. Grief is a strange thing, completely irrational at times but it is real and a challenge, so if you can and when you can, get some help and share the load. It will lighten if you do - I promise x

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My heart is broken also it’s only been 4 days I honestly don’t no how I’m going to live without him but I no I have to some how carry on for our 5 children I feel like I will never be able to laugh or be happy again I have friends my parents have already passed it this is something else, I don’t no what to do I felt like maybe talking to people who are going through it or have can help me somehow :sob::sob:

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oh @Vikki1234 - you are in the most difficult days. Your loss so very recent - my heart goes out to you. It must feel very bleak, I know. It is good that you are posting here - where everyone understands completely. You will get through this, you will come out the other side - we all do. We go at a different pace as no-one’s experience is the same, but what I have seen is that grief and absence do get easier to bear. You will laugh again, you will smile again - and it will be ok. For now, it hurts like hell and you need to go with that and grieve, let it out, talk to people about how you feel. We are here for you on this forum and there are lots of resources available to draw upon for support - like Sue Ryder, The Good Grief Trust and other places. Hold on, my friend, hold on - it hurts so much, I know. x

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Oh @Dee9 , I am so sorry.
There is absolutely nothing I can say that would make this situation any better for you.
All I can offer is a virtual hug.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other as we all advance slowly down this very hard road.
You are not alone - though often it doesn’t feel like that.
My heart goes out to you.
Xx

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Thankyou I need to write down how I’m feeling thank God there is a forum like this.My head is a shed and I know I am not feeling right,but I have to be strong even though I just don’t want to,the hurt is immensely debilitating and I am all over the place.Please God will this ever stop he didn’t just kill himself he killed me too,but sharing is the only option for me at present and I am only too aware that everyone on here are in pain also so bless you love x

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Thank you all so much xx

@Dee9
Firstly I am so sorry for what you are going through. You have a double grief I suspect but you know many of us on here will be there for you to talk to.
I lost my husband in April and yes, the grief is so overwhelming and still can be at times, however I do now have days when I can even enjoy aspects of it. I still love my husband dearly and always will but intend to use that love to make him proud of me by doing jobs he used to do, to the best of my ability.

Losing a husband / wife / partner is so all consuming as you have become like one person in a way. It feels to me as if part of me is missing all the time. I don’t find many people understand how dreadful it is unless they have been through it. I know I didn’t and feel ashamed that I didn’t help more, those I know who have been through it.

I wanted to give you hope that it does get easier and for me it is some days. I need to stay well for my daughters so look after myself as best I can, which includes not beating myself up about ‘what ifs’. I could so easily dwell on them but they serve no purpose so I mostly put them aside.

As others have said, counselling could be a good thing so reach out to your GP.

Sending love to you. xxx

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Thankyou so sorry for your loss,I am in the angry stage now so that I can do what needs doing,I have youtubed 7 days of why he did this and still I don’t know,never will.I have to keep repeating I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE shouting it even,tomorrow I may not be able to move through grief.For everyone I wish peace and this sight has helped to know we are not alone small comfort I know but what else can we do?Take very good care of your family and lots of love x

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