I’m the youngest. (The baby) Then there’s the middle (the one that I have trauma from). And then there’s my biggest brother. (Who I’ve always idolised). I’ll refer to them as brother and biggest/big brother. I shared a room with my brother .
I’ve watched my whole life crumble through my teenage years. I had a good childhood my mum and dad did everything for me but my brother that’s autistic he had me at his ropes. I would come home petrified at the thought that he might snap. Walking on egg shells through every word that left my mouth. I remember the day I finally snapped back. I went for him just he always went for me. I’ll never forget the day I punched back. It was euphoric. The realisation that I’m bigger than him, stronger than him. I didn’t feel like a weak little kid anymore. I’m autistic too but I was only diagnosed at 20, my mum and dad focused a lot on my brother. I don’t resent them for it. They were just trying their best. But I watched my gran disappear through dementia. I loved my gran, she used to come around every Sunday after church. I remember she would come up and check on me, make sure I’m okay. I remember the day she showed me chop sticks on the keyboard my brother had. I miss those Christmas dinners. Those little bus rides up town. Life carried on after she was gone. But to then have my brother be caught with cp on his phone (the dread I feel thinking about that) I remember the day the police came through the house. I was petrified. My mum sheltered me from it as much as she could. My dad. My dad didn’t even know the extent of it. He didn’t wanna know. I remember reading it on the news. I was scared. I was scared it would haunt my life. His actions. But I doesn’t thankfully. I can’t believe he would do such a thing. It disgusts me. But I can’t change that he’s my brother. I hate him so much yet there’s this little kid in me that still loves him cause he’s my brother. He was there for me at times no one was. Thunderstorms. Night terrors. He was there. He used to do art. I used to love his art. But it’ll stopped. Life changed the day those policemen came through our door. I don’t remember much after that day to be honest. My mind has superseded those years so much. I spent my days outside. Away from my home. I always spend time away from my home as I was always on egg shells around my brother. I don’t wanna be hit. Lashed out on. But it was different I fully stopped interacting with my family in a way. All because of what he did. The days I missed with my mum and dad all because I didn’t want to be around my brother. I didn’t wanna be on egg shells. I was free when I was out. I could do what I wanted. I didn’t have the fear that I would say something and ruin the day. But it led me to be too free. I separated myself from my past with drugs and drink. Mind you I’m not even near finished being a teenager at the time. I was drawn to the escape. Like it was peace. I watched my father be diagnosed with cancer. I watched him go through treatment. I remember the day I had to run down stairs and help lift him because he was have some sort of stroke or something. It was scary. I’d never seen him like that. He started getting better too! But then it all went down hill within days. And he ended up dying from bloody sepsis. All because his body was too weak from all the treatments. I remember crying. I remember watching my mother cry. My biggest brother cry. My brother didn’t cry. He never really cries but that’s just him I guess. He can’t show his emotions. But I knew he was crying inside. Life changed real quick after that. Mum needed more help around the house. We all stood up. But I also withdrew. I didn’t want to live in the reality that was mine. I drowned myself in ketamine. I still to this day struggle with my addiction. I drowned myself through my dads diagnosis. I drowned myself even more when he died. My mum slowly pulled me back. I started getting better slowly. But then my mum got diagnosed with cancer! My world crumbed. I drowned myself but she was still there to try keep me a float. But then she died. And I can’t tell you how much my world was gone. How much everything just hurt. “Why me?” Is all I can ever think. Why’d it have to me? Why’d I have to have this shitty growing up, from being tormented by my brother, to my gran, to my dad and then my fucking mum! It felt like the world’s against me or something. But I’ve came to realise. This is just life. Life is fucked up. But we can make it better! You can make the changes that need to be made! You just gotta grow. Take those scars and make them into something beautiful. Be the person you wanted to be when you were a little child. I know the man that my wee self wanted to be! So I’m gonna make the changes to be that man! I’ll cry when I want! I smile when I want! And I’ll be fucking angry when I want! I am me! And I’ve never felt more like me recently! I’m making the changes and I can see the difference in myself. I’m not drowning myself on the daily anymore. I get stuck sometimes. But I can pull myself out now! I hope to be fully clean one day! And I’ll have my own family, my home! And I’ll cherish it for all it is! Life is horrid! But life, life is so fucking beautiful!! I wanna see places! I wanna do things! And I’m gonna do them!
One step at a time.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.