My little beloved sister had gone

I still can’t believe
Just 7 days ago exactly 3 minutes from now my sister had gone after so long , cruel and destructive fight with breast cancer my little sister she was only 18 when she was firstly diagnosed and just 2 years later things became more difficult more unbearable
I don’t wanna to be in denial but my heart keep avoid dealing with the truth she won’t be here with her shiny golden smile anymore
I even didn’t cry except from very few tears once I saw her dead body then I hold myself together and told myself I should be strong for my mom and dad and I’m still on that pose since that sometimes I feel ache in my heart but never let go and give in to that feeling I always try to find something else to get busy with
I feel sooo empty as if I’m not a human as if I’m a machine
I don’t know what to do
I don’t wanna to develope any pychological problem but at the same time I can’t face the fact each time I try I run away

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Hi Sarah, it’s still such early days for you in this terrible journey, after my brother died I felt so empty and numb, I felt like I was living in a grey fog, things were going on all around me but I couldn’t think straight, I felt vacant and just not present if that makes sense.
When the grief hit me I howled and cried so much I was amazed the human body could produce so many endless tears. Try not to bottle it up, one day the flood gates will open, don’t run from it, let the tears fall and allow yourself to feel the pain and share it with anyone you can, we all understand here and will try to help you cope with your loss.
Be kind to yourself, love Jules. Xxx

Welcome Empty Sarah, My heart goes out to you in the loss of your sister. I also lost my sister to cancer, just 5 months ago. 5 months on and some days the reality is just too much to bear, so I tell myself she is just on holiday, or moved away. Your loss is so fresh, you are probably still in shock. Be kind to yourself and allow your feelings to be expressed. Trying to be strong is exhausting, I know. You need your energy for the task of grieving. I found this site one long, dark and lonely night a few weeks after my sister died, and I’ve been coming back ever since. There are so many caring people here, and you will find support and understanding, as I have (and continue to have). Please keep posting and share your pain, and we will listen. (((Hugs))) Sister2

I am so very sorry that you have lost your little sister and that she was such a young age when first diagnosed. I lost my sister when we were in our 30s.

It is such early days for you and your parents, you will still be in shock and your mind will only let you accept so much at a time. I am a year on from losing my mum and I still have times each day when I struggle to believe it, even though I know it has happened, if that makes sense.

If you need to be busy so that you do not think too deeply at the moment then just go along with that for now. Just concentrate on functioning as best as you are able, getting through the day. It is lovely that you are doing everything to support your parents and I hope that you have a friend or family member who can support you. Keep posting here as you will find lots of supportive understanding people x.

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Hi JayDee
I’m so sorry for your loss your sister and your mom it must be tough to lose both
How are you did you overcome your grieving over your sister?
You have no idea how did every word you said touch me I feel it the same way I still can’t believe she had gone I can’t believe it or accept it I still unable to and guess I will never
You know what I sometimes feel guilty about her death I feel like I should have done more i should have to save her Im not sure if I did all what I can I never thought she will leave us she was so extraordinary cheerful and we all had our strength and our faith from her even at her darkest moment and I feel sorry for that I feel bad that she was our support instead of us being hers , she the one who was giving us hope and assure us
And some how that is why I seek a support from a friend or family member I just feel like I even don’t deserve it if she didn’t seek but gave us support how silly am I asking for help and making universe to rotate around me and making victim of myself just for grieving over her death ?! I don’t know if my words would make any sense but that is how is it and I feel bad all the time
I also became OCD about any symptom even minor things that my other little sister (13yrs) complain of and I know that she is suffering too and I put so much load and stress on her by my silly over worries
I don’t wanna to visit a psychologist or psychiatrist cause I know it won’t change anything and I won’t take any medications

Hi JayDee
I’m so sorry for your loss your sister and your mom it must be tough to lose both
How are you did you overcome your grieving over your sister?
You have no idea how did every word you said touch me I feel it the same way I still can’t believe she had gone I can’t believe it or accept it I still unable to and guess I will never
You know what I sometimes feel guilty about her death I feel like I should have done more i should have to save her Im not sure if I did all what I can I never thought she will leave us she was so extraordinary cheerful and we all had our strength and our faith from her even at her darkest moment and I feel sorry for that I feel bad that she was our support instead of us being hers , she the one who was giving us hope and assure us
And some how that is why I seek a support from a friend or family member I just feel like I even don’t deserve it if she didn’t seek but gave us support how silly am I asking for help and making universe to rotate around me and making victim of myself just for grieving over her death ?! I don’t know if my words would make any sense but that is how is it and I feel bad all the time
I also became OCD about any symptom even minor things that my other little sister (13yrs) complain of and I know that she is suffering too and I put so much load and stress on her by my silly over worries
I don’t wanna to visit a psychologist or psychiatrist cause I know it won’t change anything and I won’t take any medications

Sorry for your loss
It is 51 days now since we lost her and I still can’t percept that yeah it is too much to be taken I miss her alot I feel like am about to cry anytime I see her stuff , a pic or any time I say her name I actually may have one or 2 tears but I still didn’t cry over her not the weeping and real sadness idk if this normal or not but I feel like I refuse to accept not to put myself in the weeping stage
5 months is not too far you still in the early period too how can you deal with any thing that reminds you of her

Hi Jules ,
Sorry for losing your brother I don’t have any brothers so I don’t know how does it feel but I have always wish for having one.
Thanks for your words, they meant alot for me
I’m trying to but I still can’t I can’t let myself to reach there or maybe I am afraid of letting me self
I still almost feeling the same emptiness and I have couple of tears maybe daily when I look at her face in any pic or remember some conversation between us or watching her favourite show or pass by her favourite place but it is just very few seconds and then I say don’t go there please and again I get myself busy with anything to keep me distracted

Empty Sarah, I also have difficulty with the triggers. The other day they put a movie on at work, and it was one I saw with my sister before she was diagnosed with cancer. It brought back memories of that happy time we shared, and I could not watch it, and became choked up. I wanted those times back so badly. I hold back tears, but sometimes they just flow no matter where I am. This pain is overwhelming, and the body reacts even when we try to push our feelings down. You must do what feels right for you now. I wish I had more to offer, but I am glad you are posting here. Something someone says will touch you, and help ease the pain. Losing a sister is losing a part of yourself. Take care and know you are not alone. Xx Sister2

Sister2, yeah the triggers they are everywhere for me a movie as you mentioned a book a series we used to watch together and now I have to watch it alone , her closet her pictures I miss her being around me
And yeah sometimes tears fall down no matter how much have we tried to hold them back
52 days passed and I still feel like she will come back it is only a bad dream , there was a mistake and she didn’t die
I still dream this dream over and over in different scenarios everytime that she is still alive
Losing a sister is losing almost half of yourself I agree with that
Thanks so much for your replies and yeah writing here and sharing my feelings may not bringing her back but make me somehow better
Wish you the best dear

I lost my brother a month ago and my mother quite recently too … it’s so hard. People tell me it does get easier but really struggling.

Charlie, So sorry for the loss of two most important people in your life. I also lost my mother, and my closest sibling. My mother died 6 years ago, and my precious younger sister was taken in May of this year. Both from cancer. This is known as “Compounded Grief,” as one loss impacts the other. All I can tell you is that, at least for me, it does not get easier, but rather “different”. I have less intense days, or parts of days, as time moves on. I am sometimes distracted by life’s obligations and responsibilities, but then something will hit a nerve and I will fall back into deep grief again. You must allow yourself your feelings and grieve in your own way and in your own time. The holidays are now setting me back, and I read the same for other mourners on this site. Your loss is so close to the holidays, and it must be adding to your pain. Coming here is a tremendous help, and I am glad you found this forum. Here, you can freely express yourself, and others will listen and support you. You are only a month on, and probably still in shock and disbelief. You lost a part of yourself, and I can certainly relate. Take care and come back. Here for you. Sister2

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Thanks so much for coming back to me. I find my grief very isolating as it feels like the world moves on but I am still very much stuck in this weird place… grief I guess. I have a really busy life with three kids and I work full time but it is always just under the surface. If you don’t mind me asking - how old are you? I am only 42 and I am finding that non of my friends have really been in a similar situation so it is hard for them to relate. Have you tried counselling ?

Hello Again Charlie H-I agree with that feeling of being isolated. I have felt disconnected from the world for 7 months now, since my sister died. I am older than you, but still do not find many people who have lost a sibling. A co-worker lost a sister many years back, but she admits “not being very effected” by it because they were not close. I cannot relate to that, because my life has been forever changed by the loss of my beloved sister. I keep busy as well, and yes I go to counselling as well as a support group at the hospital that treated by sister. And I come here for support and a place to vent. All of it helps in it’s own way, but it is at those lonely times, when I have to experience the pain and try to get through it. I find so many people on this forum who had various losses, but are still compassionate and caring regarding my sibling loss, and offer just the right words.
I hope you will post again. Take Care. Xx Sister2

I think it makes it harder because it’s coming up to Christmas and that’s a family time. I have my own family ( my husband and children ) but I feel my family that I came from is shattered. Everyone that is left is totally destroyed by what has happened. I try and just carry on but have a sadness inside me that I worry will never go away . The thing is it never occurred to me that I might loose a sibling … I spend hours wishing I’d spent more time with him and I regret not telling him how much I loved him more regularly. Sadly I don’t think there is an answer… I guess it’s time that will make it less raw but I don’t think loosing a sibling is anything like loosing a parent. When I lost my mom she was young but we had time to say our goodbyes and I knew what was going to happen. Do you have family you can talk to or other Siblings ? I am starting with a counsellor in the new year but I’m not sure if it will help me or not … I kind of feel like … how can they help with this situation ? The worst had already happened !!! On the other hand it will be nice to have some support. Take care a you x

Hi Charlie H
Sorry for loss I feel your isolation although being working full time and living crowdy life with lot of duties , I understand how you wear (I’m okay) mask all the time but as you said under the surface is totally the opposite
I used to wear this mask and I still wear it for 2 months now but as “sister2” at some point there would be hitting the nerve situation which tear up this mask and I run to avoid anyone and prefer to be alone in these moments
Yesterday had one of these moments
I’m 25 and non of my friends or family members or anyone in the neighborhood or even in the close community lost a younger or even older sister so I understand and I guess even if I’ve someone I know underwent the same situation it would be easier for me cause I believe everyone’s grief is different

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