I don’t know if this has happened to other people. I lost my husband over three years ago and ever since then my concentration has gone to pot I cannot stay in the moment, I am always one step ahead, thinking about the next thing to do instead of what I am doing now.
After Peter died I could not concentrate on anything, reading, watching television etc. I still have not touched a book in over three years as I stay on the same page and loose the story line as my mind keeps wandering. I am okay watching television though.
I went out yesterday and got the bus into the town’s bus station. I was on autopilot, not living in the moment but planning on which bank was the nearest, so I was not concentrating on the matter in hand. I wanted to use the toilet but I ended up putting 20p in the gate and walking into the Men’s toilets. A man came out and said, I think you are in the wrong place love.
I then went to the bank, I went in, thinking about having coffee and a cake and walked up to a machine, put my card in and whistles went off and it gave my card back to me. Everyone was staring and a member of staff came up to me and asked me if there was a problem, I said I just want to draw some cash out and she said, you are using the wrong machine, this is for deposit’s. There was a large sign over the machine stating that. If I had my mind of what I was doing then I would have known. I bet she was thinking, poor old lady.
I told my friend and she said she is just the same, she can no longer concentrate on more than one thing at a time since her husband died, she has taught herself to deal with what she is doing now and stop thinking about what need’s doing next.
I have come to the conclusion that it isn’t because I am not concentrating on what I am doing, it is because I am not interested in what I am doing, so go wandering off willy nilly.
I used to love window shopping with Peter, we always bought something, had lunch, he took photos of certain types of buses, he was a transport enthusiast, we even bought a cup of coffee and sat on a wall near the park, but now it is down to town, do what I have to and go home again.
I open my front door and don’t want to give myself time to feel the emptiness in the house so I call out I am home love, or hello I am back.
When I go out with our family I am okay, it is just when I am alone that I think of everything apart from what I am doing.
I hope it gets better because even after losing Peter over three years ago, going to town has become a chore, there is nothing there for me, in fact wherever I go alone, there is nothing there for me.
I just wondered if anyone else finds this when they go out alone.