MY MIND IS GOING BLANK

My mind is going blank. I lost the love of my life 22 months ago. Anne and I were married 50yrs. She passed from pancreatic cancer aged 71. I’m 75.

Recently my mind has started to fade away. I now find myself staring mindlessly into space on so many occasions. And for ages and ages. No memories. No thoughts. No future. Sometimes just aimlessly watching the sparrows on the garden feeder. Seeing the summer garden plants flourishing but all of this with only the odd feelings of love before my mind again closes down- yet again.

Nowdays all memories are fading to such an extent that I have to force myself to think of my sweet loving Anne and so gratefully allow the tears to flow. I so need those tears to bring me back to our love. My darling soulmate. Yet soon after this my mind goes again blank. I’m in effect becoming a mindless robot going about life just doing what needs to be done simply to placate the survival instinct. And then not always that. It seems I’m becoming a total non me type being, except when in the odd company I have: but only to see the false clowns face appear. A total act. I often wonder at its skill.

In reality I’ve become an empty person. A mindless blank. I’m so grateful that when it all finally ends there is nothing that my Anne in spirit can blame herself for. Neither can our children because this is all about the zombie robot I’ve become. Me. A mindless entity that I know soon in the not to distant future will be gone; even thought the time and the happening is a blank in my mind.

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James, I feel the same pain you are feeling, there are no words I can say that will make it any easier for you but there are people to help you manage your pain and loneliness, keep posting on this site, write on here how you are feeling, there is so much support here, we are all suffering so let’s do it together. I am still taking things 1 day at a time, not thinking about the future just thinking about today. Going out in the fresh air, helps me breathe. How do you organize your day? Do you have a plan - like what to eat, what to do to occupy your time. Please share with us, we all help each other here.

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Dear Jan,
There are no people out there that can manage my pain and loneliness because they ’ Are not me ’ Their words will just be words. My truth comes from feelings and emotions - all beyond words and advice. And so thats the major problem with counselling. I’ve experienced it before. A short lived solution that never lasts or resolves anything. And with some counsellors makes them a lot of money having clients on their books for months.

My life is not organised Jan. Yes I walk and get fresh air only to be aware that my Anne isn’t by my side so I’m glad to get home again. I eat according to mood and convenience. Only on rare occasions do I say after eating ’ I quite enjoyed that.’ I occupy some of my time fishing. But I was used to my Anne saying to me when I got home in the past ’ Hello love. What did you catch?’ Now I enter back home to a dead zone. A house that has no soul. No spirit.

Dear Jan. I’ll level with you. The only reason I’ve been able to post is because I’m heavily intoxicated with alcohol. Drink is the only thing that brings me back to some kind of normality because it rids the pain and the mindless blank mind when I’m sober. Some might say ’ You’ll never find the answer to your problems at the bottom of a bottle.’ My answer. ’ Its either that or a complete mental break down and the result it might bring. You know nothing! ’

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Morning James, I am sorry, I do not mean to offend or upset you. I certainly don’t have the answers as to how to make things better for you. I can only talk from my personal experience and although we are all walking the same journey the path we take varies. You are right - I know nothing about your personal pain but I do know that help is available. Please please reach out, have you tried Samaritans? The feelings and emotions that run through our heads once put into words might bring some relief, nothing will change the situation we are in, nothing will bring them back but finding ways to manage the pain can bring some sense of calm. I have found great support from reading these posts on here and how other people are managing. Take care of yourself.

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Morning Jan,
OMG! you didn’t upset me at all dear lady. I was only expressing my life as it seems at the moment.
Stay safe,
James.

Hi James.
I think what you are experiencing is your mind allowing you to survive. You are blocking out what hurts you and the mind goes blank. I have experienced this 3 times and one of them was when my husband was really ill ( that horrible pancreatic cancer.) I could not remember the days, appointments made no sense, I forgot my pin numbers. My mind just blanked out. The doctor told me that my mind was so overworked it was allowing me to rest. It is no consolation but I just wanted to re assure you that you are not going mad.
I still have days when all I do is sit and stare. Decisions take weeks to make and I was so sharp minded previously. Please keep your mind busy on here though James. I know first hand how devastating pancreatic cancer can be. It was like a cat and mouse game for us.
My thoughts are with you all the way.

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Thank you so much Angiejo1
You describe my experience so well through your learning. Thank you again. I’ve just become alive again - such as being alive is actually happiness ? I so long to pass on because I serve no purpose anymore in this world. Yes my kids love me but they have their own lives.

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No James. Being alive is not happiness. I still seek happiness but it always evades me because there is.always the one piece missing whenever I am trying to complete anything. Nothing seems as it should be and no doubt it is going to be like this for a long time. My life does not have much purpose either but I keep hoping that one day something will happen that will make my life worth living and it will probably happen when I least expect it. I hope you can just hang in there too. We are all in this together.

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