My Mum just died

I’m feeling desperate and lonely. My mum passed suddenly in the early hours of today. My mind is all over the place. I have to sleep at her house as she has animals that need caring for so I am not escaping.

Hi,

I’m so sorry for the sudden loss of your Mum and that you’re feeling desperate and lonely. You are not alone, there are so many lovely supportive people in the community who will understand what you’re going through.

It must be so difficult for you staying at your Mums house. It’s good that you’re looking after her animals. Your Mum would be pleased that you are.

I lost my Mum 4 years ago. My mind was all over the place too.

Keep talking to us, we are here for you.

Trudy x

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Hi
I am so sorry your mum has passed. As you say it was sudden, you will be in shock so it is very understandable that your mind is all over the place. Hopefully the routine that the animals have will give you a focus and routine in the days ahead. It is important to look after yourself too.

I lost my mum in October so I am still trying to find my way without my mum. I do hope you have some family or friends who can support you but do post on here and everyone will do what they can to support you.

Xx

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Thank you Trudy. I’m just working out where I can turn to for help. I appreciate you responding to me. Xx

Thanks for responding. It’s good to feel not alone. I’ve two sisters but due to problems years ago, it’s always just been me and Mum. I have a husband who is doing his very best bless him. I just want to come home to my home and away from the sadness of my mums house but my house isn’t big enough for her animals. I am trapped.

I also lost my mum in October I did everything for her as she had a lung condition, but we had that controlled. 6 months ago today I phoned her at3pm to make sure she was all okay as I used to look after her with shopping, housework etc mon to Friday. My sister had looked after her on the Saturday. Then we were contacted by mums neighbours saying her lights had been on all night. So we rushed down first thing on the Sunday morning and there she was dead on the sofa. I can still see her on the sofa

She was taken to the coroners where she was for three weeks it turned out to be heart failure due to a blood clot. Then from doing nearly everything for her daily to nothing. I feel as though I have no sense of anything. Don’t go out if I can help it. It’s just heartbreaking, put off jobs, don’t get dressed unless I have to. I have a 12 year old daughter I do get her to school and pick up but that’s it if I can help it. I miss her so very very much. Thankyou for allowing me to join this wonderful website.

Hi Cmitch

I am really sorry for your sudden loss. You will be all over the place at the moment, understandably.

I am sure your mum would want you to look after her animals just now but I am sure you will be able to work out a way to get home too. It will just take a bit of time to work it all out so be patient and know that it won’t be like this forever.

Take care and I hope you return to this site. It helps me enormously knowing I am not the only person trapped in grief.

Virtual hug
Ann x

So sorry to hear of your sudden loss. You will find your Mum’s strength to get through these first few days. I agree with all of your respondants. I lost my Mum 8 weeks after I got married in 2015. For a while I didnot know what to do as I felt alone. My Sister has my 3 niece’s to help so I felt I couldn’t talk to her. Which I know now was silly but perfectly normal in our situation. I found this forum whilst looking for counsellors but just reading and replying reminds me that I am not alone. Take care of yourself and let us know how you are getting on.

Thank you for responding. I feel like I am going crackers but I do realise all these feelings are normal. I keep breaking down and all I want to do is sleep. I am finding a lot of comfort in all you lovely people helping me. Greatly appreciated. X

Thank you very much Anne. I am taking all the help and advice I can get. I am getting a lot of comfort from people like yourself so thank you. I am living between two houses at the moment which isn’t ideal and I feel guilt for not being with the dogs. My mum was with them 24 7 literally but I work full time and more but like you say, I will work it through somehow. Xx

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Hi Debbie

Sorry that you too lost your mum in October. It is so sad to deal with those final images and try to replace them with happier ones.

I agree it is difficult to motivate to do things, due to the sadness. It may help if you do try to get dressed each day and plan to go out each day to try to find a new routine of some kind, easier said than done I know. As for tasks, if you do one task a day you should give yourself credit for doing that. Could you find some things you and your daughter could do together?

Take care
Jane

Hi Debbie,
So sorry to hear that you lost your Mum, it must have been a such a shock to have found her on that Sunday morning. I totally understand that doing so much for her during the week and now having that extra time on your hands is causing you pain. My Mum died in December after 8 months of illness spent in 2 different hospitals and then the last 5 months in a care Home. My life was totally centred around hers for this time; visiting her daily, clearing and selling her house and arranging everything she needed. Since her funeral the extra time I have now hangs heavily and even the volunteering I continued with throughout her illness now seems to have lost its purpose. I am in the process of getting back into things but it is such an effort and all the enjoyment I used to derive from the activities seems to have disappeared. Although I try to be the person I was before, I feel as if part of me is still responsible for my mum and should be doing something for her.
It is early days though and I’m trying to accept that I feeling like this is all part of the process. I find that looking at photos and forcing myself to remember the happy times, although it makes me feel sad, does help to put the last few unbearable weeks of her life into context and stops me from going over and over them in my mind.I do hope that you are managing to find some peace in remembering happier times with your mum.

Hi,

How are you doing today?

Trudy

Hi Trudy. I just want to sleep today. I am scared for what the next few weeks are going to hold so sleep is my only place of peace at the moment. Thank you for asking. Are you ok?

Yes I know what you mean, when I feel sad or anxious I tend to sleep a lot. You can’t feel anything when you sleep which is a blessing sometimes. I’m also a great believer in your body telling you what it needs as it takes its direction from your mind. Are you eating ok? I struggled to eat when my Mum died but I had to when I was with my Dad as I wanted to make sure he was eating.

How many dogs did your Mum have? I can understand that you’re feeling scared about the next few weeks - is there anything particular that you’re feeling scared about?

I’m ok today, thanks for asking. Christmas, Easter & Birthdays are always tinged with a bit of sadness for me. My daughter is 18 and now living her own life so I’m missing her too. Life is constantly changing & these emotions thingies are really tiring!

What I really have learned is that bad days do end & they get fewer. I know its so soon for you since your Mum passing, but you will make it through with time.

Take care x

I’m not eating much as I’ve no appetite. I’m husband is incredibly caring and is ensuring I eat something. I am only doing that so he gets something too. My mum has 2 dogs and a cat. They were her everything and are used to company 24 7. I work 9 hour days at the hospital my mum died at. My house is not equipt for them but I will have to make it. I am scared of arranging all the sad things like the funeral etc. It hurts so much and I’m on my own due to heartless sisters.

I do appreciate so much you taking time to connect with me Trudy. I can’t believe strangers can be kinder than family sometimes. Xx

I remember eating a lot of soup & toast with my Dad. It’s good that you have a caring husband who makes sure you do eat.

I’ve had dogs for years & they do adapt and survive so please try not to worry about them.

That must be very difficult for you working at the hospital where your Mum died. Have you taken any time off?

I know what you mean about the funeral arrangements. I can clearly recall sitting at the undertakers with my Dad choosing a coffin. It was very surreal but you will get through it. Everyone who worked there was so kind and caring. They supported us through it all. At times we were laughing & then crying. They understood what we were going through. We couldn’t remember the name of the hymn my Mum loved so my Dad & I were singing it, very badly, to the undertaker.

You are strong enough to deal with this on your own with your caring supportive husband. It’s ok to be scared.

If you have any specific questions about arranging the funeral that are worrying you please say.

You’re doing so well x

I’ve not been back to work yet as it only happened on Thursday and Chris and I were supposed to be on holiday. I’ve contacted my manager who has said to take all the time I need. I’ve explained that I have all this to do on my own. I’ve got to get over the actual place as it’s my living and have to keep going.

I’m only in my early 40’s and have enjoyed quite a free life so the dogs will change things a lot. I’m also worried about them as they are both already showing signs of anxiety. Ones a border collie who is very bright and is nibbling at this hind and the other is a Heinz variety who is also nibbling her leg. There is also a huge temperamental cat in the mix too.

I think my fears arranging the funeral is that it is hurting me so much and I want everything to be right. I would never let Mum talk about death because I didn’t want to face her not being with me. I so wish I hadn’t shut those conversations down now. I lost my dad at 12 so couldn’t bear the thought of loosing Mum too. I’m in a mess just now Trudy.

Thank you again for your time and kindness. I appreciate everything you are saying to me. Xx

Hi Cmitch

Trudy is right. You are doing well. You are taking responsibility for things and I am sure your mum would be proud of you.

So hard that you lost your dad so young too but you got through that so you will get through this too.

I am in my early 40s too. Not free as I have a 5 year old but it is so hard when you suddenly have something else to look after. I really struggled when I suddenly had to look after my mum straight after my dad died.

Sleep is good. Go with it is what I say. Yes, the funeral will be hard but you will get over that too and you will look back pleased that you could do the honour of arranging it for your mum. Just ask yourself “what would mum want” and it will all be easier to choose.

Take care. Early days so one hour at a time is all you need to worry about.

Ann x

Thank you Ann. Everyone’s support on here is what’s keeping me going. I won’t forget all your kindness and wise words. Xx

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