I had my Mum for so long. I’m told I was lucky but I just feel empty without her. She was a great age and I know we don’t live forever but I feel like a little bit of me has died too.
This year, I lost her in April, I had a slightly traumatic major operation in July, and ourrented flat flooded from above. That last bit finished me off. I literally was shaking. The man who caused the flood was unpleasant and invasive, and because the water got turned off another neighbour won’t acknowledge me now. She’s not very nice, but all the same it made me so uncomfortable.
I seem to be a nervous wreck. I have chronic ill health which my Mum understood. She loved me so much but due to my ill health I could not travel or get to see her. My brother collected me on one occasion. I was so happy to see her.
I have a partner, he’s very kind but his job is hard and his family si difficult, so no help to me.
I have PTSD from domestic abuse in a former marriage so I get very upset easily.
Mum once told me not to go to pieces if she died, but I’m only just holding it together. The weird thing is, because of not seeing her often, I feel she’s still here with me. I heard her voice on one occasion. Just internally if you see what I mean.
I miss her and grieve for several things. The Mum she was before she had a stroke, the Mum after, and her dear voice on the phone. I get her photos out and each one is so special.We were very similar and looked alike, she was fair and I am dark. We sounded the same. We were both rather traumatised. I understood her.I supported her because my father was difficult and cold . I was her confidante from a young age, probably most unhealthy but there you go.
I’ve been writing an obituary tribute for her, but words can’t express how wonderful she was. I loved her more than I can say. She was a very beautiful lady in her day, who loved animals and would help anyone.
I have not heard one word from my eldest brother about her passing. I am in contact with my other brother but he seems also to be struggling. He visited her every day in a care home. It was not a well run place, and she was unhappy there. She complained to me a lot and towards the end had a bit of dementia. My brother also has awful health but the money she left us enabled him to retire. He’s very concerned all the time with his own family. Not sure he’s much time for me, despite what he said initially.
My health is generally awful and is really getting me down lately. I have fibromyalgia and arthritis, chronic cystitis and so on. Mum was much the same.
I do have PTSD and am having EMDR. Maybe it will improve my physical health.
Any kind words would be great.