My mum

I lost my mum seven weeks ago. Even whilst I write this I’m crying. I loved my mum more than any other person and spent so much time with her. Watching her die has left me numb with grief. I just miss her every minute of every day.
Those around me tell me that I’m coping so well but I’m just putting on an image because admitting how I really feel would put them under so much pressure.
Does this pain ever go away? How do people regain a sense of purpose?

Hello Gill@LDM - I’m glad that you have decided to join our Online Community at this really terrible time in your life.
It must have been so difficult for you to see your beloved mother die, and at this early stage in your bereavement, I expect it all seems unreal to you. I think it’s important that you don’t try and bottle up what you are feeling - I’m sure your friends will want to support you, particularly if you let them see what a rough time you are going through.
If you haven’t done so already, it may help if you have a talk with your GP. I know that at the moment you may feel you can’t face the future without your Mum, but it’s important that you look after yourself, and don’t think too far ahead.
I am thinking of you, and hope you will find some comfort from reading here what others share about coming to terms with losing a loved one. Jackie

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Thank you so much for listening and for understanding, Jackie. It’s was a wonderful surprise to get a response from you and to know that there people out there who understand and are prepared to listen and empathise.

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Hi Gill, I’m brand new on here but I saw your post and had to reply… I felt just like you… my mum passed away just before Christmas and I was also with her when she died and all of it is just the worst feeling in the world. When I think back to where you are now I could still barely function and cried pretty much all day (I didn’t even know it was possible to cry that much) but I thought I should be doing much better than I was and really quite hard on myself. I know we are all completely different but I found going to my GP really helpful and also started some councelling. I think for me just knowing that I what I was feeling was a normal reaction really helped and that I wasn’t being silly and didn’t need to be strong. The main thing I’ve learnt is not to be so hard on myself, that it’s ok to not be ok and to ask for help, I now talk about things a lot more and am more honest with others so my family/friends/colleagues understand why I’m doing/not doing things.
And here I am 5 months on, I haven’t found that things have gotten easier exactly but am now finding a way to live around my grief and there can nice parts in my day. I no longer cry all the time and even manage to have a good laugh sometimes. It just seems like the longest journey but somehow life seems to be making a bit more sense.
Hope this is kind of helpful. Like I said I know we are all completely different Just remember to be kind to yourself.
Sarah

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Hi Sarah,
Thanks for reading my mail and for replying. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. You’re absolutely right - it really is the worst feeling in the world. The thing that is tough is that you feel that you should put on an image for the outside world - coping, smiling, getting on with things. But inside I feel like I’m falling apart. I just can’t talk to family or friends because I feel like I’m holding back an avalanche of feelings and if I open up it’ll all just come pouring out and there’s nothing that they can do to stop it. It just seems like an incredible pressure to put on them so I say nothing - and just smile and joke.
It’s great that we can all talk on this site about our mums. I miss mine so much. She was my best friend - I shared everything with her and now she’s gone and I feel so alone. I cared for her when she was sick and feel so guilty that I wasn’t more patient and that I left her to go to work. I would give everything I own to have her back just for five minutes to tell her how much I love her.
Thanks for listening. I hope that you’re doing ok.
Gill

Hi Gill and Sarah

I feel for you both and am so sorry to read your posts. I too have lost my Mum, just over nine months ago and was with her right to the end. There is no pain like losing a parent I feel and watching them slowly pass away is awful. I too wept constantly at first, had full scale meltdowns and was inconsolable. The numbness, yes I understand that and I still feel it. Someone said to me they thought I was suffering from shock for months afterwards, I think I still am somewhat.

I hope one day I will feel more at peace with what has happened, currently there is a feeling of resignation. Nothing can change what happened and nothing will bring back my Mum. That is very hard to cope with.

I wish you both well and hope you have had reasonable weekends.

Mel.

Hi Mel - yes, that feeling of resignation - I can relate to that completely. It’s like you have just lost an enormous battle and there is nothing you can do to regain what has been taken away from you.
I too feel like I’m suffering from shock - it’s inconceivable to believe that my mum has gone and will never be coming back - she was the central point of my life.
I hope that you are ok and I’m so sorry that you have lost your mum too.
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and experiences- it makes me feel less alone in all of this.
Gill

Hi Gill

You are not alone at all in this. I think it is so lovely that you were best friends with your Mum. I was with mine too and miss her company and going out together so much. I cannot understand people who moan and complain about their parents. They are so lucky to still have them.

Keep remembering the happy times you had with your Mum. Someone suggested on this site starting a Memories of Mum book to write down anything that springs into your mind. I have one and write about things Mum and I did together. Also memories relatives and her friends have and tell me about. I may never read the memories again or throw the book away at some stage but it does seem to help a bit at the moment.

Mel

Hi Mel - what a lovely idea. I think I’ll do that. Hope you are doing ok.

I feel the same I keep my feelings inside coz I feel like if I let them out I am not going to stop! Then I feel like I am bottling up so many emotions I feel like no one will understand how I feel and think I should just “Get over it” my mom was my rock for me the person I always turned to when I needed help advice or just an ear she was always there! I’m glad I have turned out with most if not all of her traits and I’m glad I am the person she made me!

I’ve never loooked at it that way before Annie. I guess there is still a lot of our mums’ traits inside us. I still feel her quietly giving me advice on occasions! Maybe it’s just wishful thinking - I don’t know.

Gill, I’m with you all the way. My died in June and the pain is something like I’ve never experienced. One day at a time love. Barb x

I’m so sorry for your loss Barb. You’re right when you say to take one day at a time. I feel so lost without my mum but try each day to make a point of doing one thing that I enjoy just so that I can keep going. I miss her so much.

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