My One In A Million Dad

My dad passed away on 5th August from oesophageal cancer and sadly getting covid.

Since then I have taken about a day and a half off of work to organise things and try and look after my mum who is utterly devastated and lost. I’m an only child with a very small and quite frankly not very close or affectionate family outside my parents and grandparents on my dads side who sadly are no longer here, so it’s pretty much all on me to sort things.
I’m pretty much done with the practical stuff, I’m known as “the one who gets sh*t done” amongst the people I care about, but now it’s all done, I’m left with my grief and nowhere for it go to and no time to process. I am scared my mum will become as dependent on me as she was my dad and I worry about how I will cope. I am stronger than most people I know, but we all have our limits.

Mostly I just spend my time feeling empty, numb, cold. I am haunted by the image of seeing him lying there after he died, yet I know that not going to see him would have been something I regretted all my life. I have moments when I am on my own (I live alone and don’t have a partner) where the sheer weight of it all ends with my crying hysterically and trying to make sense of it all.

I guess I just miss my dad. Those who knew him loved him, even my friends over the years, so much so my best friend mentioned him in is grooms’ speech a couple of weeks ago. He was warm, kind, generous with his time, he loved a beer and his time out in the garden. He had a simple life but I think and I hope he was happy.

I can’t escape this feeling of “what do I do now?” What was once so permanent now feels so very ephemeral and I feel lost.

Sorry for the rambling, I felt this was the safe space to do it. I’m so sorry that you are all here for similar reasons as I am. X

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I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly in March. We were best friends and always lived together. Like you I am alone and don’t have a partner or much family beyond my granddad.

The sense of loss and battalion of emotions that hit us are hard but yes, here is a safe space to say whatever you are feeling, there is no right or wrong.

It is very early days for you and it you have a lot on your plate so I hope you find here useful I know I have.

Wishing you a gentle night

Beki x

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So sorry you lost your dad! I totally understand, you are not alone. I am a only child too, and lost my dad in June 2022. To me he was larger than life and my hero. I was a daddy’s little girl. What I wouldn’t give for a big hug from him right now! Be k8nd to yourself. If you want to talk I am here for you!

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I’m so sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like my mum - wonderful and absolutely irreplaceable.

I can empathise with the dependent other parent, in this case my dad. It is so difficult and it is so easy to put your grief last and prioritise how they feel but it is also very isolating.

Hope you’re doing okay, take care x

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