My sister’s grief.

Hello everyone,
This is my first post. Twelve days ago, my much loved brother-in-law passed away very suddenly at his home.
It was a huge and terrible shock as he was only 62 and there had been no warning.
Myself and my sister’s grown up children, who are also shocked and grieving, have rallied around my poor sister to help her in any way we can. She is, obviously grieving and in pain. And it is so awful to witness. We have all taken it in turns to stay with her overnight as she dreads being alone then.
I think she feels guilty about her children, who are all married with families, staying away from their own partners and children. As I don’t have any real commitments, except my cats, it’s not so bad for me. And I’m single and live alone.
I think she really wants to try a night alone but she is scared, bless her. And as I will do anything to help my much loved sister, I wondered if anyone could share how they coped with that. How you got through the first night alone. What did you do to make it easier.
She knows that she’ll have to do it eventually. And I know she wants to but she is worried and scared.
Thank you for reading.

Hello, I’m sorry to hear of your brother-in-laws passing. It’s wonderful how you are all supporting your sister.
My husband of 30 yrs passed in May suddenly and unexpectedly too, he was only 65, It was a traumatic experience.
My two sons are grown up with families, so I was blessed to have my best friend stay with me from the day it happened however I was sort of forced to have my first night by myself when her daughter needed her urgently. It turned out to be what I actually needed as I’d not been on my own for 6 days and I was grateful of the time on my own in my home.
I remember speaking out load to my husband ‘now we’ve got some time to ourselves’ and I needed that time just to be on my own to think about him/gather my thoughts.
I also went to bed each night, painful as it was without him there (I understand some people find this difficult) and from that first night I looked at his photo on my phone in bed and spoke to him about what I’d done in the day then told him I love him and night night. I found this settled me and helped me to sleep. I still do this every night.
Also, I was worried about being in bed in my own and my friend suggested I put his pillow along side me in the bed. It works as I tuck my arm under the edge of the pillow as I would have done lying next to hubby to go to sleep. I found this a comfort even though it’s not him and the bed doesn’t feel cavernous. I still do this.
I found it helpful and still do to keep things as they were in the bedroom and house. It’s more helpful to me having his things around.
I hope just these few suggestions help. Sending love at this difficult time x

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Hi @roaring60s.
Another one here who lost a much loved, much missed dear husband earlier this year, suddenly and unexpectedly.
He was found dead at home while I was away.
I have no children but am fortunate enough to have some lovely friends.
My friends wanted me to stay with them or volunteered to stay with me after this happened but I was mindful not to fall into the “trap” of starting something that would be unsustainable for a prolonged period and so I declined from the outset and stayed in my home alone.
I did wonder if I would be OK but as @JlovesR said, it was what I needed to do - some time alone to gather mý thoughts, weep and sob and start to develop “new rituals” without him.
I was also concerned that the longer I put off doing something - be it sleeping in the house alone, blowing up the car tyres - anything that had been Mr Wingingit’s domain rather than mine, then the harder it would be taking that first wobbly step.
Everything is unfamiliar, at first, because, like me, your lovely sister is so used to being part of a couple, and anything unfamiliar is scary and makes us feel apprehensive.
I sleep with my phone at my bedside these days and it is helpful to know that I could summon help quickly, should I need it - I haven’t needed to thus far.

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Hi sorry for your loss , my mum was exactly the same when my das passed , it took her 6 months of staying round family each night befor she decided she couldn’t do that no more , don’t think there is an answer tbh , I think like my mum your sister will let you know when she’s ready to go forward , that’s of course if you all can cope with that decision of her staying with yous , it did become a bit strained with us as we were trying to deal with the grief ourselfs as well as coping with our own family’s and taking her back home in the day and back again in the evening , I hope you can find a way to move forward in all this grief , I know what you are going through , I lost my daughter recently and it’s tore us apart , all the best Paul

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Hi I lost my beloved husband at Easter, both of my boys have family’s. When their dad died one was in New York I phoned him and told him I had to see him when he returned in 2 days with some bed news, my other son was distraught at his dad’s passing has a family with young children. I had no choice but spend that first night after his death on my own, but I was so tired and worn out with grief I fell into a deep sleep. I find that it is now that I am having trouble with sleeping

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Your sister is lucky to have you as you sound very caring and understanding.
When my husband passed away I felt very vulnerable at bed time (I’m not alone in the house) but I had to sleep with a light on, sometimes couldn’t bear to get undressed and slept in my clothes ( sounds awful to say now nearly a year on) but you have to do what you have to do at the time. My son and I walked the streets very late at night/ very early morning, kept to local area not the main roads. It was our time for talking. This may not be much help, what I’m trying to say is that in the very early days you just have to do what you can to get through, and in any way that feels ok for you.
{ hugs}
K.

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Thank you everyone for your kind and understanding replies. It is a comfort to me that I and my family are not alone in this grief.
I will show these comments to my sister when I think she is ready to see them. Because, as you all know, the ‘triggers’ can be anything and come without warning.
At the present time, we are waiting on medical reports as to the cause of my brother in laws passing and so things are stalled a little right now. But I know my sister has been in touch with a funeral director and I think she was very brave to do that alone and unprompted.
My thoughts are with you all as we all struggle with our sadness and loss. I hope that, in time you all find comfort and some peace.
Bless you.
Grace.

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