Sorry to here your sad news sending hugs
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Iāve searched online for a rose with my sonās name, there is a Rupert rose but not in this country. I have found Rupert pinks that I planted around a month ago and they are starting to get buds! Iāve been in tears a lot since the middle of last week. Iām moving home and the grief and anxiety is through the roof. I canāt face emptying my sonās room at all. All his lovely clothes and shoes are going to my daughterās for storage for the time being. I just feel terrible
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Moving is very stressful anyway, so no wonder itās so hard for you. I expect, like me, everything in the house reminds you of your son. However you can take all the memories with you and keep them in your head forever. Itās a pity you canāt find a Rupert rose. Could you maybe choose one in his favourite colour instead or find a plant that symbolises an aspect of his character? What about planting a tree in his memory?
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At about this time of the evening, 27 weeks ago, our beloved son passed away. I still canāt believe it happened. It feels like Iām in the middle of some strange dream and in a moment Iāll wake up and heāll still be here.
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10 weeks ago my beautiful boy left.
I took two of my other children away for a little break hoping it would help to start on the healing journey 
It did help a little but as soon as I got back yesterday, itās bam punch in the stomach as soon as I walk through the door. I miss my boy so terribly itās just breaking me.
I have no idea how Iām going to cope with going back to work 
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Whydidhedie
Lauren died 2 days before your Simon. I hope that if there is an afterlife they are sat together chatting about us two.
Like you, I sometimes feel as though this is all a bad dream I will wake from. It feels like this is not my real life.
We still have not completely sorted out Laurens house as I can only do a few hours once a week as I find it very emotional, not when Iām there but afterwards.
It is Laurenās eldest daughter Isabelleās 18th birthday on the 14th June. We are now Isabelleās legal guardians and she has lived with us since Lauren died. Iām finding it difficult to get excited, plan or organise anything for her birthday because it should be her mum Lauren doing this. But I want to make it nice for Isabelle. I just donāt have motivation for anything. We have got my deceased brothers wife coming over from the states for a week arriving next Wednesday and whilst i adore Shelley and a big part of me is looking forward to her staying with us, part of me is dreading it because I will put on my āokayā face which is draining.
Like you I wanted a rose bush for Lauren and there are 2, ālovely Laurenā and āLaurenā, both out of stock.
I have bought a large Japanese cherry blossom because Lauren had one at her first house and she wanted me to dig it up and move it when she moved but it was too big. I promised her that when we got the garden on her current house sorted she could have a cherry blossom. I have planted it in a very large pot and put some of her ashes in with it. If I ever move house I can take it with me.
I wander round the house saying āplease Lauren give me a signā and asking the universe āwhy did my beautiful Lauren have to die?ā . I repeatedly catch myself saying out loud āitās not fairā .
I still have counselling and am on sertraline once a day. I can go out and shop and clean the house and do laundry.
I wake every morning and my first thought is Lauren, sometimes with tears sometimes not. I can even go out for lunch with some friends who know me well enough to be able to tailor the conversation as needed.
But, I am so sad inside. I miss Lauren so desperately. I have days when I donāt cry and days where I cry pretty much all day and at things such as a dish cloth that was Laurenās. I have now accepted that this is my life until I die and am reunited with my first born and best friend. I am not religious but have to believe there is something after this life and that I will be reunited with Lauren.
I have found that my relationship with my son has changed which hurts. We were close but now he feels so distant. I know he is missing Lauren like crazy and I think when he comes here to see me the memories upset him as Lauren was always here.
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Kitty4
So sorry you are having to go back to work. I know for some people it helps. I also get that punch in the stomach 27 weeks later.
Big hugs
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Well done for taking your other children for a break. It must have helped them, even if you found it a bit of a struggle. Iām not sure how anyone copes with going back to work. As Iām retired, I didnāt have that problem. Will your boss allow you to do part time, or even flexible hours depending on how you feel each day?
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Bam, what a lovely thought that your daughter and my son might be having a chat wherever they are now. I hope they are saying nice things about us! We have just finished clearing Simonās flat of furniture. It has been upsetting to stand in his bedroom and to know that this is the room where he died, and to be in the hall where, we are told, the ambulance crews worked on him for an hour. Each time I have visited the flat, I have ardently hoped to sense something of my son, but I didnāt feel anything at the beginning and now his furniture is gone, the place is just an empty shell. The property is going to be rented out to a young couple from mid June. I think Iāll feel better about it once they are installed and it is their home. It is hard putting on a different face, one public and one private. And yes, I also find it is when I come back from meeting someone that I then have a cry. I can control my crying more nowadays and it is not that overwhelming sobbing that racked my entire body in the first few agonising months. But I am expecting to cry most days for the rest of my life and I am OK with that, because that is my tribute to my precious son. The cherry tree for your daughter sounds delightful. Perhaps the Lauren roses will come back in stock and you will be able to plant those as well. My Simon roses were battered by the heavy rain we had a couple of days ago, but I have tied them up and they are now recovering.
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Whydidhedie. The Simon rose is beautiful.
I am sure Simon and Lauren are comparing notes on us and saying nice things about us. There are so many similarities between them and between us. Approximately 2 years in their own place. Sudden and unexpected deaths. Both children best friends with mum. We seem to go through emotions at similar times as well.
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It is comforting to know somebody who is going through the same experiences and emotions at the same time, so thank you for posting on this forum. X
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Today I had a letter from Benās bank about bereavement and closing his accounts.
He died on 8th November, I contacted them and spoke to someone on the 10th December, that person told me what to do and I did it.
Getting this letter was like a punch in the gut again, I canāt believe itās made me feel like this.
When Iāve gathered my thoughts I will be writing a letter of complaint. I thought I was getting over my anger but itās completely resurfaced.
Iām supposed to hear something from the local NHS Trust this week too so thatās on my mind - plus itās Fatherās Day this Sunday and itās Ezraās first without his dad 
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Iām so sorry, I totally get that feeling you have. Lauren wasnāt very good with money and 17year ago she bought a new washing machine and took out a lifelong warranty on it. We all said it was a waste of money and she would be better putting the monthly payment in the bank to save for a new one or repairs. She wouldnāt be told. However over the 17 years she must have had it repaired at least once a year and last May, 6 months before she died they wrote it off and she got a brand new top of the range washer drier free of charge as part of the deal. Lauren was over the moon and took great delight in the fact she had saved money. Last week they sent her a letter asking her if she wanted to take out the same kind of deal on her new washer as the 1 year guarantee was due to expire. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I saw the letter. She was so proud of how she had saved money and went on about it, she was so happy. Itās the memory of her being so happy and never being happy again that really hurts. I miss her so very much, I struggle on days like this to believe I can carry on without my best friend and daughter.
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Hi ladies, it will be 25 weeks on wednesdsy and the pain is still very raw. Ive just had another counselling session which was an emotional one but he is very good. Fatherās day this weekend will be a very emotional one being the first and tom was a brilliant father. I will help my daughter in law as we get through the day together.
My son was my best friend and miss him so very much. I still long to be with him each and every day. This place here online has helped a lot. This place we find oursrlves in is a living nightmare. Love to you all xx
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It was 14 weeks yesterday for us and his birthday on Wednesday which is going to be so very hard. We should also be getting his ashes back this week and then on Thursday we have an appointment to register his death. All in all a very emotional week. Hugs to you all xx
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I see myself in a lot of what you say. Iām moving home and been decorating for two weeks. When I sit down at night the grief overwhelms me and I cry on and off all night. Iām just desperate to see Rupert. Itās soon the anniversary of his death and I just canāt believe it still. I shout out āwhere are you ?ā The longing to see him is excruciating and Iāve resigned myself to the fact that this is just my new life, a life that I wouldnāt wish upon anyone. Nothing will change the way I feel. When Iām with company I hide it well and they think Iām doing better but Iām not. I feel I now have to taylor my grief to the people Iām with then crying when I get home. All of my sonās clothes are going to my daughterās as we canāt let them go. The thought of leaving the home we all lived so happily together devastated me but itās just too big for me and Iām moving to a place next to my sister. Today is an awful day as we are going to court to for the sentencing of the man who raped my niece which ended in her taking her own life. My family has suffered so much in the last few years. I just hope we can have nicer days ahead x
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Ali76
Sending you big hugs.
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Thank you and Iām sending it to you x
Evening ladies, the first fathers day today. My sonā s children aged 3 and 6 sent balloons on up to āheavenā for their daddy. It was heartbreaking and trying to compose myself for them today was hard and yes i failed. Cried like it wouldnāt stop.
A huge part of me left here with my son and i miss him so very much. 26 weeks this wednesdsy and time is not healing, i feel the same. Lost, scared and completely broken.
I long for my boy back xx
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Please donāt. I tried everything, my son had bowel cancer he died at 28. I tried everything to get him to the doctor from when he was 25, I got him pile cream, nagged him about not eating enough fibre. We, him and I never thought it would be that. Iām so sorry what youāre going through,as I type this Iām crying my heart out to you. Myn is and always be broken, but donāt feel guilty anymore.
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