My son still hasn't come to terms with my mum's death

My 9 year old son asked me yesterday how my mother was.It breaks my heart everytime I have to tell him that my mother isn’t here anymore.I have to tell him she’s died.I have explained to him before that she has died. I still find it hard to understand myself that she is gone.I don’t tell him she’s in heaven because I know he will ask if he can go and see her.He asks if his nanny is better because he knew she was in hospital so he thinks people get better after hospital.I just wish I could do more because his relationship with my mother was so special and they were so close.Its been just over a year since my mum passed and even I still ask the question why?

Hi star heart

I completely understand. I took my mum into hospital for a small operation and was picking her back up the following day. Mum said to my daughter, who was 12, ‘see you in the morning’
Something went horribly wrong and my mum died. I had to go home and tell my daughter that her nan had died and she would never see her again.
Even I didn’t believe it. The day started off so normally.

It’s 2 and a half years on and we are getting on with life. But the tears are never far away and we both get upset when we talk about her. My mum lived with us and she was so active for her age.

The shock never goes but luckily my daughter is busy with schoolwork and friends which is easier.

It’s hard for kids to understand. The school offered my daughter counselling but my daughter turned it down.

Would anything like that be useful?

Cheryl

Dear @StarHeart and @C1971,

Have you looked into getting your children an age-appropriate book about grief? This is the link to an article on the Sue Ryder site about supporting bereaved children and at the end it has a list of suggested boooks: https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/bereavement-information/supporting-a-child/how-do-i-support-a-bereaved-child
Jo

Thanks Jo

I haven’t but I will take a look. I think my daughter prefers to pretend it didn’t happen

Cheryl

Thank you and I’m sorry for your loss.I think because it was so sudden for my son he just doesn’t understand that people don’t always get better.Its trying not to scare him by telling him no his nanny didn’t get better after being in hospital when what he knows is people do get better.My mother was on the road to recovery but she kept getting chest infections because she couldn t swallow and the doctor basically withdrew treatment because she had a collapsed lung.My mother did not want to die.They withdrew her oxygen bit by bit which I never saw because I couldn’t see the life go out of her eyes and she wouldn’t want me to.I still get so angry this is my life but life’s unfair it’s not a movie.I think it’s the biggest lesson I’ve learnt.Nobody said life was going to be fair.I wish I didn’t have to keep breaking my sons heart but I don’t think it’s fair to lie to him either.Saying my mother is in heaven I think will confuse him even more and my mother wasn’t religious so it wasn’t her belief.