We were together near 5yrs, long enough to love him for all his flaws, after all no ones perfect. He had a massive heart attack in front of me a few weeks ago and I had to watch him die as I tried to resuscitate him. I watched his eyes roll and become vacant, his chest had stopped moving, the shock, it was horrific because I gave him CPR for about 15 minutes and even though the medics brought his heart beat back, he was brain dead. Thing is, I knew something terrible was going to happen because I had an impending doom all around me for a few weeks. I just had not realized it was my partner in danger. I am lost, I’m alone literally, I wished it had been some sick joke, I still do as everything feels so surreal. I can not believe this has happened and I don’t know what i have done wrong to of had to go through this. Things just don’t make sense no more.
Tinkerbell I am so saddened to read about what’s happened to you and your partner. I too witnessed just what you have described as well, so can understand a little of the trauma you may be feeling. You must have been so frighened. I wish I could offer some positive advice but I think in the early days/weeks we just manage to get through on some kind of autopilot. I’ve heard people say eat a little of something even if you don’t feel like it. A mental health nurse told me that it helps the mind as much as anything else. Seek some help from a sympathies GP if you still feel traumatised, try not to bottle things up. Take good care of yourself and keep posting if it helps. Tina.
I am so very sorry that you have lost your soulmate so suddenly and in such a horrible way. My other half died in very similar circumstances twenty months ago and it takes a long time to come to terms with the trauma as well as cope with your grief and sadness. If you can, try to live in the moment and shut out your images of what actually happened…you will never forget but that moment but you can learn to live with it and supplant it with happier mind pictures. You did absolutely everything that you could have done and you have done nothing wrong. We all sometimes think that our loss is somehow a punishment but death is the natural conclusion to life and one half of a loving relationship will always be left behind.
Try to look after yourself…somehow you will get through this and there are many on this site who will be holding you in their hearts;
Thank you for your kind words. You have helped me knowing that I am not alone in this. I will follow both your advice and thank you again.